We were losing ratings and ratings are revenue!

In a controversial move destined to upset purists, the Justice League voted today to adopt several rule changes.

“I’m not sold on these rule changes either” said Justice League CEO Batman who is totally not Bruce Wayne.

But times change. People nowadays don’t have the patience they used to. They don’t want us to wage long battles against evil. The public wants our battles to be action-packed and wrapped up quickly. So they were turning us off. Ratings were down, which affected the price our sponsors were willing to pay. And I don’t have to tell you that ratings equals money equals power. So, painfully, we’ve made these changes.

The most controversial of the rule changes is the adoption of a “DSH” or “Designated Super Hero.”

Just as in baseball some of our Superheros are great at offense but suck at defense. Superman for example. If I ever want someone to aggressively seek out and destroy an enemy it would be Superman, who is totally not Clark Kent, by the way. I also pride myself on my offense. But let’s say Aquaman is called upon to fight evil. Now I love and respect Aquaman and there is no one I’d rather have by my side if we were under siege but when it comes to offense he’s all wet. So the way the DSH would work is he would sit out any situations that call for offense and in his place me, Batman or Wonder Woman, who is a kick ass female and is totally not sleeping with Superman, would take his place. The DSH would allow for more action and a higher body count, which is what the public wants.

There will also be a limit on how long a member of the Justice League can take from the time he first hears of evil to when he actively engages in stopping evil.

We’ve gotten letters saying that we had become too slow moving and that we should speed things up. So let’s say evil is afoot. Under the rule changes we now have exactly one minute to get into costume and begin fighting crime. Now this will be tough on some of our members. They require lots of time getting into costume. I will be affected by this. If I put on my Bat costume to quickly and am not careful my nipples get pinched. Ever try to fight crime with pinched nipples? Not fun. But you do what you have to do to stay in business so I will comply with the new rule. This shouldn’t affect Superman and Wonder Woman who can throw on their outfits pretty quickly, which they usually remove in each other’s presence. Though I must again state that they are not sleeping with each other.

Finally to ensure fairness instant replay will be employed.

Some villains have accused us of attacking them when they aren’t actually engaged in evil. The Justice League’s lawyers have asked us to institute replay for fairness and our legal protection. If there is a question that actual evil is taking place we shall stop and our main office in midtown Manhattan shall look at the tapes and make a simple ruling: Evil afoot or not evil afoot.

“I hope these rule changes will modernize the Justice League and attract younger viewers” said Batman.

“Crap. I have to pee. It’s going to take me an hour to get out of my suit. I really should design a Bat suit with a pee hole.”

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