With Thanksgiving upon us Macys has announced that this year’s famous parade will feature several new floats dubbed “A Salute to Hollywood Legends.”
“While the parade is still popular we wanted to make it more relevant to the younger demographic” said a Macys spokesman.
So we’ll be getting rid of a few floats like the Betty Boop one. I mean she hasn’t been relevant in decades. We want to make the parade “wack.” I think that’s a phrase the young folk use. We thought of making the new floats have a “Legends of the NFL” theme but do you know how difficult it is to design a float that kneels during the national anthem? Turns out it’s a lot more difficult than we envisioned. We next tried a “Legends of Hip Hop” theme but again we had engineering hurdles we could not overcome trying to get the tattoos and bullet wounds to look authentic. It was then that we hit upon the Legends of Hollywood theme.
Working round-the-clock with the best engineers that agreed to work as subcontractors 20 floats were designed and made test runs for lucky Macys’ employees.
The first float we rolled out was a tribute to legendary Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein. We selected the youngest and most attractive of our employees to handle the float. We also told them that if they wanted to keep their jobs they had to sleep with the float. Most seemed willing but we a few malcontents who claimed that the float was guilty of sexual misconduct. By the way we fired the women who slept with the float anyway.
The next float tried out was a Kevin Spacey float.
He’s a popular actor, right? Won a few trophy’s he did. So we rolled him out with a companion underage boy float. That didn’t sit well with some of our more cisgender and binary employees. They said it would send the “wrong message.” Our legal department agreed so we shelved it.
It was when the Louis C.K. float was rolled out that Macys’ management knew they had a winner.
He’s a very talented comedian and who doesn’t like to laugh? We even designed a moving arm that would mimic self-gratification. We were very happy with the test results. Again some of our conservative, Christian employees objected but you know how those people are. They disgust me.
Even some of the liberal employees objected. One claims she was “traumatized.”
I haven’t been this horrified since the time I stumbled upon Teddy Kennedy f*cking a coat check girl in a DC restaurant. I tell you the vision of his fat, milky-white ass thrusting back and forth has prevented me from raising a family all these years. I’m still in therapy.
Despite the objections Macys intends to feature the Louis C.K. float this year.
“Look all I can say to people who may attend is bring along a plastic tarp. You don’t want to be hit by spray” said the spokesman.