The Eastern European visitor to our land, Count Dracula, has been accused of sexual misconduct by several local women.
“He took inappropriate liberties with me” said Lucy Westenra.
He came to my house every night, sometimes dressed as a wolf, and bit me on my neck. Then he started to drain all the blood from me. I mean I’m a modern, sophisticated, liberated woman but if you’re going to do that you had better marry me. Or give me a role in your next movie. Or we could skip the marriage and just give me a role in your movie. Or we could skip the movie role and you could just give me money. But the point is if you are going to bite me on the neck and suck out all my blood you had better respect me!
The lawyer hired by Miss Westenra is asking for 50 million in emotional damages.
“My client was raped. Maybe not physically but emotionally” he said.
Since the sexual predator Count Dracula bit my client on the neck and drained all the blood from her body she is terrified to go out during daylight. She spends most of her time now prowling the Earth during night stealing children from their homes and dragging them to a nearby cemetery. For what I don’t know but it can’t be good. Eastern Europeans! We should place a travel ban on them or something. Except the Muslims. They are peaceful.
Mina Murray has accused the Count of repeatedly stalking her until she submitted to his advances.
“I thought he was weird” said Murray.
Weird but interesting. He had an exotic Eastern European charm to him. At first I thought he was a Muslim but when I asked him he frowned and said he carries the memories of the abandoned battlefields of his homeland and that he was known as Vlad the Impaler because he liked to impale Muslims on spikes. I didn’t want to judge him. We all have hobbies. I crochet myself. But then he started violating my personal space and saying things like “Mina, to walk with me you must die to your breathing life and be reborn to mine” and “I give you life eternal. Everlasting love. The power of the storm. And the beasts of the earth. Walk with me to be my loving wife, forever.” Forever? Hello that’s coming on a bit too strong. He also tried to get into my pants by saying “I have crossed oceans of time to find you.” That line may work on other women but not me!
As for the Eastern European visitor to our shores, Count Dracula
(pictured above in an undated file photo) maintains his innocence.
“I have no memory of these events” he said through his lawyer.
And I am horrified by these allegations. However they have given me courage to address certain aspects of my eternal life. I now choose to live as a gay undead creature of the night.
“I mean seriously” the statement concluded. “People should have figured this out before. Hello? Long hair curled into ringlets and dabbed with scented oils. The top hat and dandy suit. Colored glasses. I look fabulous!”