When Jack Frantley, DDS, moved his practice from upstate Millerton, New York to the Klingon Homeworld he figured he had it made.
“Have you ever looked at Klingon teeth? They look worse than the English” said Frantley.
Business in Millerton wasn’t booming. I have lots of competition from other dentists. Then one day I had a Klingon patient. I looked at his teeth and said “If all Klingons have teeth like this then I should move there. I’d be a millionaire in a couple years. So I asked him If he ever went to a dentist on his Homeworld. He told me that they didn’t have dentists. That’s when I made my decision. I was packing up and moving!
Newly arrived on the Klingon Homeworld Brantley set up shop and waited for his customers.
There weren’t any at first. They didn’t know what a dentist was. So when I explained that I take high-powered drills and drill into the pulpy tissue of nerves they began to like me and called me a “Dentist Warrior.” I had to tell them I didn’t do this to inflict pain but to help people avoid pain with their teeth.
Apparently Brantley’s explanation had crossed a cultural taboo with the Klingons.
I’ve dealt with warrior races before. We have a lot of Irish in Millerton you know. But I have never had a warrior race that liked pain so much. When I told them the purpose of dentistry was to avoid pain they started avoiding me. At times I regretted my decision and started to consider moving back to Millerton.
Not wanting to be considered a failure Frantley began visiting Klingon elementary schools to educate young Klingons on how to take care of their teeth.
I figured if I could educate the young ones they would get their parents to care about the condition of their teeth. So I’d visit their classes and say things like “Today is a good day to floss.” Speaking of flossing you don’t want to know what I found between Klingon teeth. I mean gross. But anyway my efforts were beginning to pay off and I started getting customers. I figured things were starting to look up. It was then that the representatives from the Klingon Empire visited me. They were concerned that I was culturally appropriating them. What the hell? If anything they are appropriating me. Every time a Klingon flosses he is appropriating my culture. But I didn’t mind. I just wanted to help.
But after having a senior official threaten him with death he decided to leave.
Proper dental hygiene is important but it’s not worth dying for. So I said to hell with it I’m heading back to Millerton. The Klingons will miss me when I’m gone.
The entire time I was being yelled at I kept looking at the official and saying to myself ‘You like pain? You’re going to know the meaning of pain real soon if you don’t get those cavities looked at.”
Back in Millerton Frantley has devised a fool–proof method of drumming up customers.
“I’m hiring two shapely coed dental assistants with large breasts. My slogan will be “Topless Dentistry. Who knew pain could feel so good.”