“Just touch it” is no longer acceptable

Reeling from the past few weeks of sexual harassment allegations, producers in Hollywood have banded together to attend a weekend-long intensive seminar on how to spot and avoid sexual harassment in the workplace.

“This is something we have to take seriously” said one producer who attended.

Like everyone else I never thought twice about trapping an actress in my hotel room and having her watch me take a shower before forcing myself upon her. But now everyone is so sensitive. Oh well. I don’t agree with the new climate but we have to adapt to survive. Sexual harassment shall have no place in the new Hollywood, like Christians and conservatives. And post-op transgenders. Now pre-ops can still come to my hotel room and watch me take a shower before I force myself on them. What? Oh, right. Sexual harassment. Old habits die hard I guess.

The seminar began Saturday morning when all producers in attendance had to fill out a questionnaire.

“We had questions on possible scenarios a producer would encounter” said a counselor at the workshop.

For instance the first question was “A 20 year-old would-be actress from the Midwest arrives at your office for an audition. What is the proper course of action for you to take?” Ninety six percent of the producers answered that question with “Bend her over a table and f*ck her in the ass.” I was shocked by this. Frankly I only expected around 65 percent to answer that way. I knew then we had our work cut out for us.

Another exercise involved putting producers together with actresses hired specifically for the seminar to see what the producers did.

Amazingly every producer who was attending took out his penis and masturbated in front of the actress. We weren’t prepared for such a large volume of bodily fluids. We had to move the workshop to another place while the original location was fumigated by a hazmat team.

Saturday night ended with the producers retiring to their rooms.

We told them bring only a toothbrush, toothpaste and a change of clothes. Lights out were at 10 pm. Around 2 am we were awakened by police who said they had gotten reports of noise violations on the producers’ floor. We went up and they had somehow hired strippers. We asked the cops to have the strippers leave. After the strippers left the producers asked the cops to strip for them. I backed away at this point. I didn’t want to know.

On Sunday the producers were asked to write a short essay on why sexual harassment is wrong.

The essays we got were unsatisfactory. Some wrote that sexual harassment doesn’t exist. Others said that sexual harassment is only sexual harassment if you get caught. A few wrote that it’s only sexual harassment if she sees your face when you are bending her over a table and f*cking her in the ass. I had one producer who didn’t write anything. He just pleasured himself and handed in his paper with his biologicals all over it. We flunked them all. 

The workshop ended when the producers left to attend the “world’s largest circle jerk” at Kevin Spacey’s house.

“And I thought football players were bad” said the workshop organizer.

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