You can’t fight nature

In a crime that shocked the tight-knit community of children in this town, Woodstock, beloved bird friend of local beagle Snoopy, was brutally murdered and eaten by his best friend.

“I heard chirping. Not normal chirping but a high pitched scream” said Charlie Brown.

I ran out to see what had happened and I found Woodstock in Snoopy’s mouth. Poor Woodstock appeared to be still alive but I knew he wouldn’t be for long if I didn’t stop Snoopy. So I ran over to him and said “Give me! Give me the bird! Spit it out!” But he wouldn’t. I could hear Woodstock’s flesh ripping. Snoopy tore the bird in two and continued eating. Finally when he was done he spit out a bone and walked away. Cool as a cucumber like he had done nothing wrong. All that was left of Woodstock was his beak and part of a toe. I then called the police and reported the crime.

Police arrived shortly thereafter and cordoned off the crime scene. As curious, frightened and shocked neighbors watched police photographed Woodstock’s remaining body parts and placed them in sterile bags. Snoopy was then put in handcuffs and “perp walked” to a waiting police cruiser.

“You can all suck my canine balls. That is if I still had any” said the unrepentant Snoopy.

“I am shocked” said Peppermint Patty.

Those two seemed inseparable. Snoopy didn’t have to worry about food. Charlie Brown kept him well fed. That was the only thing the blockhead could do right. Why a well-adjusted house pet would do this is beyond me. He was well treated!

Charlie Brown’s best friend, Linus, theorized that perhaps Snoopy had converted to Islam.

I converted him to our Great Pumpkin religion awhile back. He went to all our meetings. He seemed happy. He used to say that the Great Pumpkin was “the religion of peace.” But then one day I saw him reading the Koran. He stopped going to the Great Pumpkin services. When I asked him why he said I was “an infidel who would either convert to Islam or feel the wrath of the prophet.”  I left the asshole alone after that.

Local musician Schroeder has announced that he has written a concerto, “Lament on the Death of Woodstock.”

It will be a haunting, yet experimental piece.  It’ll start off with my piano, which will symbolize the harmony of nature, and will end with brass playing discordant notes, which of course symbolizes man’s inhumanity to man. Yes I know Woodstock was a bird but cut me some freaking slack. I’m an artist. I make art from pain.

From his jail cell Snoopy has given few clues as to why he committed his crime, saying only that the “time had come.”

I was tired of the man putting a collar on me. My canine brothers shall rise up. I am not a pet for the man. Humans think they are so superior. Yeah, if you are so great let’s see you reach down and lick their balls. Can’t do it, can you? 

He then threw his cigarette on the jail cell floor.

“Snoopy don’t work on Maggie’s farm no more!”

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