Would you like to be our governor?

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the honor of presenting a special message to all Americans from the Virginia General Assembly.

Take it away General Assembly!

Hello to all Americans!

We in the Virginia General Assembly would like to remind everyone what a great state Virginia is. We were one of the original 13 colonies. We used to be a lot bigger but our western counties split off during the Civil War. But the less we say about that the better.

Anyway what were we talking about? Oh yes. Virginia is a historic state. So much has happened here.  Thomas Jefferson. George Washington. James Madison. James Monroe. Just some of our founding fathers that come from our commonwealth. You know who else is from our commowealth?  Bruce Hornsby. Yeah, the guy from The Range. He had a couple of hits in the ’90s. We think he tours with the surviving members of the Grateful Dead now.

It’s a historic state. What? Oh I already mentioned that.

The reason we are addressing our fellow Americans is we in Virginia are in a bit of a bind. We are a little embarrassed to mention it. It’s silly really. But we might as well tell you directly. It’s like ripping a band aid off. Do it fast. 

Here it is:

EVERYONE in our beloved commonwealth has been photographed wearing blackface. EVERYONE. 

And it’s not confined to people. Even our dogs and cats have worn blackface.

I know!  What’s the big deal?  That’s the same thing we said.

But some sticks in the mud in the media have made a big deal out of this. We don’t know why. It’s not like we voted to dismember babies just before their birth.  Actually we did vote on that but it failed. This time.

Which brings us to why we are writing.  

Since EVERYONE in our state has now been disqualified from being governor we are asking those from outside Virginia if they would like to be our governor.

Before you say no hear us out. As governor you get to set your own hours. As governor you get an office. With a bathroom! A bathroom with modern backsplash!  As governor you get a limo at your beck and call for those 2 am Subway sandwich runs.

So think about. Apply to be our governor. All applications shall be taken seriously regardless of race, gender (which is a bourgeois construct) or creed. Everyone is welcome as long as they aren’t Irish.

We just have one condition:  Have you now or in the past worn blackface? Because if you have then unfortunately you won’t be a good fit for this position.

So to recap:  Everyone is welcome to apply and anyone excepting the Irish can be governor.

We even invite television personalities to apply for the job. Having experience in the public eye a television personality would be a perfect fit for the job.

Take for instance Joy Behar. She is a well-known and popular television personality. Perhaps she would like to apply to be our governor?

What’s that?

We have just been informed that Joy Behar has admitted to wearing blackface. Unfortunately Miss Behar has disqualified herself from being governor.

So to recap:  Send us your resume with a brief essay telling us why you would make a great governor. 

Remember anyone except the Irish or those who have worn blackface can become governor of the great Commonwealth of Virginia.

Oh, and we almost forgot. No one from West Virginia. We still haven’t forgiven them for leaving us during the Civil War.

I bet those West Virginian bastards wear blackface all the time!

We look forward to hearing from you.

The General Assembly of the Commonwealth of Virginia.

Thank you Virginia. You know I have never worn blackface. I might apply. I could use a limo for those 2 am sub runs.

(115)

Break it up!

As has become apparent the past few decades the experiment of the United States cannot survive.  We simply have nothing in common any more. The only binding element is our hatred of the other.

Since maps are not sacred, borders can be changed and the avoidance of war should be our highest priority (as it was the priority of our most underappreciated president, James Buchanan, in the months leading up to the Civil War), I now propose this modest plan to split the United States up into political tribes that can live at peace with each other.

The Red States

For all the States in the interior that normally vote Republican nothing shall change.  You shall continue to be known as the United States of America with our Constitution as your operating instrument. The Capitol can be moved to the interior city of your choice.  (As long as it’s not Denver. I hate Denver.)

Breakaway Blue States

Since it is the Blue States who have proven to be uncomfortable living under our present system I propose breaking up these states into several confederacies.

• California

California, long known as our most progressive shithole shall be renamed “Land of Oz.”  They shall rewrite their Constitution using the compassionate socialist principles of Chairman Mao as their guide. Since the internal combustion engine shall be banned, as will lightbulbs and flush toilets I suggest the residents of this new country stock up on toilet paper now. Also, defecating in public will be considered a civic duty. Murder shall be legal. All citizens shall be forced to undergo sex reassignment surgery to any of the scientifically recognized 64 genders.

• New York

New  York shall secede and be renamed “Abortopolis.”  In the country of Abortopolis all women, ages 12 and up shall be forced to become pregnant so they can experience the joy of aborting their nine-month fetus. Sadly as this will mean a lowering of the population Abortopolis will be forced to import Hispanics and have them abort their children. Since Hispanics are oppressed but not as much as blacks I further propose a so-called “3/5ths” rule. An aborted Hispanic shall count as 3/5ths of an aborted black child. They shall also count as 3/5ths of a vote when electing Abortopolis’ national legislature.

• Oregon and Washington

Oregon and Washington shall be combined into one state and sold to the Republic of Ireland. Since it rains a lot in both states Ireland will welcome their new territory with open umbrellas.

• Texas

I know what you are saying. “Wait what?  Texas is a deep Red State.”  Not anymore. It has too many illegal Hispanic immigrants who vote Democratic and who hate America. Texas will turn blue soon. So I propose annexing the southern portion of Texas closest to the border with Mexico and calling it the country of “Tejano.”  Tejanos will be a majestic, physically superior breed with massively built upper bodies (from generations of swimming across the Rio Grande.) They will also have distended stomachs from swallowing kilos of cocaine during their temp jobs as drug mules.

I believe this plan of mine is the only way to avoid bloodshed. Remember war is never inevitable. The Civil Was wasn’t inevitable and only started when our most overrated President, Abe Lincoln, decided to save the Union by killing as many Americans as he could.

This plan of mine shall become valid when approved by 3/4 of the current United States.

(166)

Right wing extremist and lying bastard!

In a daring and brave pre-dawn raid that once again showed the entire world that the Federal Bureau of Investigation is serious about crime, well-known right wing extremist Porky the Pig was arrested and charged with five counts of lying to the FBI.

“Mr. Pig has been arrested in conjunction with the Special Prosecutor’s investigation into possible Russian collusion” said an FBI spokesman.

Mr. Pig was questioned several times by FBI agents relating to Wikileaks release of documents that could embarrass Madame Clinton during the 2016 campaign. After reviewing the tapes of his interrogation we have found five occasions where Mr. Pig lied to us.

1.  We asked him if the sky was blue. He said yes. In fact it was overcast that day and the sky was not even visible.
2. We asked him if he had been in touch with Donald Trump Jr. He said no. Well, technically we have no evidence he was lying but come on! We’re the FBI. Since when do we need evidence. Everyone knows Trump Jr. is a slime bucket anyway.
3. We asked him if he knew what Mickey Mantle’s batting average was in 1956. He said no. We refer to Mr. Pig’s Facebook post of last week where he writes “Mickey Mantle was the greatest switch hitter ever. He won the triple crown in 1956 with 52 home runs, 130 RBIs and a batting average of .353!”
4. We asked him if he colluded with Russia to deny Hillary Clinton her rightful presidency. Mr. Pig said no. Again, we are the FBI so we have never investigated this further or have any evidence that he colluded. But Mr. Pig is a notorious right-wing extremist. This means he is probably guilty.
5. We asked him what day of the year March 7th 2018 fell on. He said Monday. In fact it was a Wednesday.

Now all this may seem trivial. But we in the FBI pride ourselves on our professionalism when it comes to weeding out crime. The fact that Mr. Pig would lie about small stuff like this means he is lying about bigger matters. And, as is well known, he is a right-wing provocateur. And he smirks. He smirked throughout the entire questioning. If he had been wearing a MAGA hat we would have shot him.

Mr. Pig for his part denies any wrongdoing and questions the need for a pre-dawn raid.

I’m an old pig. I don’t have a passport. I don’t own a gun. Hell I don’t even own any pants. Was it necessary to send 29 agents into my home at 5 in the morning and scaring my dogs? All they had to do was call my lawyer and ask if I could come in for questioning. I would have said yes. The fact that the FBI did this should frighten all Americans who are worried about the dissolution of our freedoms. The agents even insulted me by saying how they would really “love to eat some bacon.” Come on! That’s a hate crime! Well I will fight this and I will win!

Mr. Pig’s arrest is yet another blow to the damaged Trump presidency and its efforts to keep the truth about his collusion with Russia from the American people.

“The arrest of Porky Pig is  groundbreaking and proves the extent of Trump’s duplicity” said CNN”s Chris Cuomo.  “I’d say we are in a constitutional crisis and expect impeachment proceeding to being any day now.”

(207)

In my defense I hate black people

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing the Governor of Virginia Ralph Northam.

MI:  Good afternoon Governor Northam.

RN:  Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel.

MI:  You of course have been much in the news lately. Let’s start with Virginia’s abortion law which was voted down. You were quoted as saying that if an infant survived an abortion attempt it would be kept comfortable while the mother and doctor decided whether to put it to death. Are you in fact endorsing infanticide?

RN: Let me just say that my words were taken out of context by religious extremists. 

MI:  How so?

RN:  Well if the religious extremists hadn’t voted the law down in committee and it had passed I would anticipate that most of the abortions done in Virginia would be of black children. Hence not infanticide.

MI:  Um. What?

RN:  I said that since most of the babies being aborted under the new law would be black and since black children are worth less than white children it would not be infanticide. See how my words have been twisted by religious extremists!

MI:  Right. Well let’s move on. Recently you have come under fire for a yearbook photo of you in blackface – 

RN: I was NOT wearing blackface.

MI:  No?

RN:  I was wearing the KKK hood.

MI:  The KKK hood?

RN: Yes. But in my defense I had just come from a Klan meeting. We were discussing what to do with Negroes who insisted on invading traditional white spaces.  

MI:  Traditional white spaces?

RN: Yes. Quite understandable. You know I don’t see what the big deal is. I wish Republicans and religious extremists would stop twisting my words.

MI: You know that old saying about when you’re in a hole stop digging? Well you might want to stop digging.

RN:  I don’t understand. Anyway why is everyone focusing on that one picture? I have plenty of pictures that are non-controversial and show me at my compassionate best. Take a look at this photo for instance. Nothing controversial about it.

[He hands Manhattan Infidel a photo]

MI: That’s a photo of you dumpster diving for aborted baby parts outside an abortion clinic!

RN:  Yes but in my defense they were aborted black baby parts and it was summertime and I needed meat for a barbecue.

MI: I. Um. Are you sure you want to say that?

RN: Why not?  Are you going to twist my words out of context? Are you a religious extremist?

MI: Let me give another chance to dig yourself out of this hole.  Your yearbook lists your nicknames. One of them is “Coonman.” There must be a logical explanation. Perhaps Coonman is a reference to someone named Coon whom you admired?

RN: No. It refers to my penchant for dressing up in blackface. When I’m not in Klan robes you understand.

[Manhattan Infidel puts his head in his hands]

MI: Okay. One last chance. You once refused to shake the hand of an opponent during a televised debate.

RN:  Yes well in my defense – 

MI: He was black?

RN: Yes!  See. That was such a simple explanation. I can’t believe Republicans and religious extremists would twist my words and actions so!

And so ended my interview with Virginia’s progressive Democratic governor.

(118)

One must sing only progressive songs

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel I have decided to relax, kick my feet up and treat my readers to an exciting musical interlude.

But not just any musical interlude.  A progressive musical interlude.

Take it away progressive singers!  (Sung to the tune of “I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair.”}

I’m gonna vacuum that baby right outa my uterus,

I’m gonna vacuum that baby right outa my uterus.

 I’m gonna vacuum that baby right outa my uterus,

And send it to the garbage can.

I’m gonna inject chemicals into my uterus

I’m gonna inject chemicals straight into my uterus

I’m gonna watch that needle move back and forth as the fetal matter tries to live

And send it to the garbage can.

Don’t try to have that baby!

Tear it up, rip it up!

vacuum him out, use forceps

cut it up, limb by limb.

Cancel him and let him go!

Yeah, progressive sister!

I’m gonna vacuum that baby right outa my uterus,

I’m gonna vacuum that baby right outa my uterus,

I’m gonna vacuum that man right outa my uterus,

And send him to the garbage can.

If a man uses his toxic masculinity to impregnate you,

If he votes Republican,

Waste no time, make a change,

Ride that baby right off your body.

it’s your body it’s your choice,

And deposit the fetal parts in the garbage

If he’s a capitalist

Waste no time, weep no more,

abort that baby that’s what choice is for.

Remove him from your uterus,

And throw out the nonviable fetal matter.

Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

I’m gonna vacuum, poison, use forceps to get that baby right outa my body.

I’m gonna vacuum, poison, use forceps to get that baby right outa my body.

Don’t try to have that child.

Tear it up, tear it up!

Wash it out,

rip him out

Push him out, slice him up.

Cancel him and let him go!

Yeah, progressive sister!

I’m gonna vacuum that baby right outa my uterus,

I’m gonna vacuum that baby right outa my uterus,

I’m gonna vacuum that baby right outa my uterus,

And throw it in the garbage

And throw it in the trash

I’m gonna delete him, send that toxic masculinity on his way.

(223)

There are too many children! They cause climate change!

On the 46th anniversary of Roe v Wade, New York’s warm and cuddly governor Andrew “I’m gonna make him an offer he can’t refuse” Cuomo signed into law the Reproductive Health Act. Among other provisions the Reproductive Health Act permits abortions up to the moment of birth. It also allows non-medical personnel to perform abortions.

Since there are many questions about this law the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ have decided to answer all of your questions.

• What does this new law do?

The new law allows a health care practitioner to perform an abortion after the set 24-week cutoff established in state law if the practitioner determines the baby will not be able to live a viable life or determines an abortion is necessary to protect the mother’s life.

• I see. So abortions are now legal in New York after 24 weeks of pregnancy?

Yes. Abortions can be performed anytime, anywhere, any place because in, New York State, we care.

• What is a viable life?

Going to college, getting a liberal arts degree, getting a six figure job and voting Democrat.

• Well that makes sense. I certainly wouldn’t want children who would grow up to be deplorables. That’s not a viable life. So anyone can perform an abortion now?

Yes. Abortion is one of the safest medical procedures in the United States. There is almost a 98 percent success rate. When a woman decides to empower herself by having an abortion she can be assured that the fetal tissue shall become non-viable.

• What happens to the two percent of fetal tissue that accidentally survives an abortion?

Ah yes. The stubborn two percent who insist on being born alive. It used to be that they were entitled to doctors and medical procedures to ensure survival. This law changes that. We have progressively modified the New York’s definition of murder. It used to include abortion after 24 weeks as murder. But now all mention of abortion has been struck from New York state homicide law. So if stubborn fetal tissue survives it may be disposed of without fear of arrest.

• Wow. That is progressive!  I am so proud to live in such a progressive state.

Orange man bad!

• I have a ten year old nephew who likes to play with vacuum cleaners. Under the new law can he perform abortions?

If your nephew feels that the mother’s life is in danger or the fetal tissue is non-viable he can perform an abortion up to the moment of birth.

• Excellent!  I like to see him put his hobbies to practical use!

That’s right. Just tell him to grab the vacuum cleaner and shove that nozzle up the mother’s vagina. Teach him the importance of progressive values.

• Orange man bad!

Orange man bad!

• One last question. I’ve noticed commentary from non-progressives, what we call deplorables, lamenting this new law and calling it an abomination. What can be done to silence those who aren’t as progressive as Governor Cuomo?

Our progressive governor is working on a final solution as we speak. Soon all deplorables shall be sent by rail cars to work camps to be weaned off their non-progressive ideology. Work shall set you free!

• Thank you for answering all of my questions.

To paraphrase the progressive negro Louis Armstrong, what a wonderful progressive state we live in.

(213)

If I go easy on you am I still invited to the governor’s ball?

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have the honor of hosting the Archbishop of New York, his Eminence Timothy Cardinal Dolan. I’ll will be asking him a series of hypothetical questions on what constitutes an offense that will get a Catholic excommunicated.

MI:  Good afternoon your Eminence.

TCD: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel. Isn’t it a lovely day in God’s creation?

MI:  I’ll let you know when and if I can move my bowels. Anyway on to excommunication.

TCD: Yes. As you know excommunication is perhaps the strongest weapon the Church has to instill order and discipline. We take excommunicating someone very seriously and we only do it after thoughtful prayer and reflection. There must be serious sin and scandal involved.

MI:  Indeed. Let’s get started. Say there is a pack of chocolate donuts on the kitchen counter. Let’s say I eat them all before anyone else has a chance to eat one. Is this an excommunicable offense?

TCD: That is sinful. But it doesn’t rise to the level of an excommunicable offense.

MI:  Good. I’m asking for a friend.

TCD: Then tell your friend he will suffer the flames and torments of purgatory as he repents of his sin.

MI: Oh. How do I, I mean my friend, get out of purgatory?

TCD: Have your family, I mean your friend’s family, pray for the repose of his soul.

MI:  Crap. I’m, I mean he’s doomed. Next question:  I have cheated on my taxes and not reported income. Excommunicable?

TCD:  Cheating on one’s taxes is a very serious offense. As you know by reporting our income to the state it is redistributed to those of God’s children who are less well off than you. The redistribution of wealth is a core Catholic belief. Socialism is compassionate. Just like Jesus.

MI:  Okay we’ll have to disagree on that. Taxation is theft. Next question. I use 100 watt light bulbs and high flush toilets. Is this excommunicable?

TCD: As you know climate change is a sin caused by mankind. Using those devices as you do leads to climate change. I wouldn’t excommunicate you but I would hear your confess and ask you to repent.

MI: Yeah good luck with that.  Next question.  The governor of New York,  Andrew Cuomo, a purported Catholic, has just signed a bill into law allowing abortion up to the moment of birth. Also if a baby survives an abortion attempt no efforts shall be made to keep the baby alive. Is this excommunicable?

TCD: That’s a difficult question. As you know abortion seriously grieves God. Not as much as climate change but enough. I know many would like me to excommunicate the Governor but that would be a mistake. We need to dialogue with those opposed to Church teaching.

MI:  I see. Next question. Let’s say a fifteen year old boy wears a MAGA hat. Is this an excommunicable – 

TCD:  F*cking crucify the son of a bitch!  I’ll crucify him and then excommunicate him!

MI: For a hat?

TCD:  Whomever besmirches himself by wearing a MAGA hat deserves eternal condemnation!  There is no hope for people like this. They are outside the body of Christ forever!

MI:  Wow. Whatever happened to dialogue?

TCD: You cannot dialogue with racists! They must be shunned forever. Let them feel the weeping and gnashing of teeth.

MI: It’s just a damn hat!

TCD: Are you defending wearing a MAGA hat?  That does it. You are formally excommunicated! And I’m taking your donuts too! Begone Satan. Begone!

[Cardinal Dolan sprinkles holy water on Manhattan Infidel and runs away]

MI:  What the hell man?

Go ahead take my donuts. The jokes on the Cardinal. I didn’t tell him about my other ten boxes of chocolate donuts. I wonder if that is an excommunicable offense?

(129)

Me Big Chief Lies Like a Motherfucker

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing a personage much in the news lately:  Tribal elder Nathan Phillips, who beat a drum in the face of teenagers at the right to life rally in Washington D.C.

MI:  Good afternoon Mr. Phillips.

NP:  Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel, representative of the white man’s press.

MI:  So I’m reading here and it says you are the keeper of the sacred pipe. Forgive me my ignorance of native American customs but what exactly is the sacred pipe?

NP:  It is a pipe that is sacred to my people. I keep it.

MI: Okay. But why is it sacred?

NP:  The pipe has been handed down since the beginning of time in my tribe. We smoke it during important events such as treaty signings.  It’s a great honor to keep it.

MI:  Do you have it on you?

NP: Yes. 

MI:  May I see it?

[Tribal Elder Phillips hands Manhattan Infidel the sacred pipe]

MI:  Um. This is a bong. A bong in the shape of a penis. 

The sacred pipe

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

NP:  It is sacred to my tribe since its beginning.

MI: The beginning? When did your tribe form?

NP:  Woodstock. I remember lots of mud and someone warning us not to take the bad acid. So I bought this sacred pipe of peace and smoked it instead.

MI: I see. You also describe yourself as a Vietnam Veteran.  Where did you serve and what did you do?

NP:  I served all over Vietnam but mainly in the part of Vietnam known as South Dakota.  I was a recon ranger.

MI: What exactly is a recon ranger.

NP:  Laymen know them as refrigerator technicians. But in the military we are known as recon rangers. That’s what we are known in the service. I wouldn’t expect a civilian like you to know this.

MI:  Refrigerator repairmen are known as recon rangers in the Marines?

NP:  Like I said I wouldn’t expect a civilian like yourself to know this term.

MI: You also call yourself the “water protector” at Standing Rock. What does a water protector do exactly?

NP: I sell bottled water. Bottled water is sacred to my people. The selling of bottled water is a sacred ritual.

MI:  Right.  Now let’s get to what I wanted to talk about. You confronted the teenager from Covington at the rally in DC and drummed right in his face. Why did you do that? 

Bullshit

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

NP: I didn’t confront him. I was attempting to defuse a tense situation.

MI: Many believe otherwise and think you were intentionally trying to be confrontational.

NP: White man speak with forked tongue.

MI:  White man speak with video evidence.

NP: I will not sell white man the sacred bottled water.

MI: I’m utterly shattered by that. Anyway one last question before I go. Your name, Nathan Phillips, sounds western. Do you have a native American name?

NP:  Yes. Among my tribe I am known as Chief Nocka wantu mocka fanga mooka wang chung tonight.

MI:  What does that mean?

NP: Chief Lying Sack of Shit Who Bamboozles Gullible White Folk.

MI:  I see. Well that’s about all the time we have.

NP:  Wait. Don’t you want your d*ck sucked?  I’ll suck it for 20 dollars. In my tribe I am also known as Chief Cum Dumpster.

MI: No thanks I’ll pass.

And so ended my interview with Vietnam veteran, tribal elder, keeper of the sacred pipe and water protector Nathan Phillips. This is just a hunch but I think he might have been running some sort of scam.

(73)