Break it up!

As has become apparent the past few decades the experiment of the United States cannot survive.  We simply have nothing in common any more. The only binding element is our hatred of the other.

Since maps are not sacred, borders can be changed and the avoidance of war should be our highest priority (as it was the priority of our most underappreciated president, James Buchanan, in the months leading up to the Civil War), I now propose this modest plan to split the United States up into political tribes that can live at peace with each other.

The Red States

For all the States in the interior that normally vote Republican nothing shall change.  You shall continue to be known as the United States of America with our Constitution as your operating instrument. The Capitol can be moved to the interior city of your choice.  (As long as it’s not Denver. I hate Denver.)

Breakaway Blue States

Since it is the Blue States who have proven to be uncomfortable living under our present system I propose breaking up these states into several confederacies.

• California

California, long known as our most progressive shithole shall be renamed “Land of Oz.”  They shall rewrite their Constitution using the compassionate socialist principles of Chairman Mao as their guide. Since the internal combustion engine shall be banned, as will lightbulbs and flush toilets I suggest the residents of this new country stock up on toilet paper now. Also, defecating in public will be considered a civic duty. Murder shall be legal. All citizens shall be forced to undergo sex reassignment surgery to any of the scientifically recognized 64 genders.

• New York

New  York shall secede and be renamed “Abortopolis.”  In the country of Abortopolis all women, ages 12 and up shall be forced to become pregnant so they can experience the joy of aborting their nine-month fetus. Sadly as this will mean a lowering of the population Abortopolis will be forced to import Hispanics and have them abort their children. Since Hispanics are oppressed but not as much as blacks I further propose a so-called “3/5ths” rule. An aborted Hispanic shall count as 3/5ths of an aborted black child. They shall also count as 3/5ths of a vote when electing Abortopolis’ national legislature.

• Oregon and Washington

Oregon and Washington shall be combined into one state and sold to the Republic of Ireland. Since it rains a lot in both states Ireland will welcome their new territory with open umbrellas.

• Texas

I know what you are saying. “Wait what?  Texas is a deep Red State.”  Not anymore. It has too many illegal Hispanic immigrants who vote Democratic and who hate America. Texas will turn blue soon. So I propose annexing the southern portion of Texas closest to the border with Mexico and calling it the country of “Tejano.”  Tejanos will be a majestic, physically superior breed with massively built upper bodies (from generations of swimming across the Rio Grande.) They will also have distended stomachs from swallowing kilos of cocaine during their temp jobs as drug mules.

I believe this plan of mine is the only way to avoid bloodshed. Remember war is never inevitable. The Civil Was wasn’t inevitable and only started when our most overrated President, Abe Lincoln, decided to save the Union by killing as many Americans as he could.

This plan of mine shall become valid when approved by 3/4 of the current United States.

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