If I go easy on you am I still invited to the governor’s ball?

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have the honor of hosting the Archbishop of New York, his Eminence Timothy Cardinal Dolan. I’ll will be asking him a series of hypothetical questions on what constitutes an offense that will get a Catholic excommunicated.

MI:  Good afternoon your Eminence.

TCD: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel. Isn’t it a lovely day in God’s creation?

MI:  I’ll let you know when and if I can move my bowels. Anyway on to excommunication.

TCD: Yes. As you know excommunication is perhaps the strongest weapon the Church has to instill order and discipline. We take excommunicating someone very seriously and we only do it after thoughtful prayer and reflection. There must be serious sin and scandal involved.

MI:  Indeed. Let’s get started. Say there is a pack of chocolate donuts on the kitchen counter. Let’s say I eat them all before anyone else has a chance to eat one. Is this an excommunicable offense?

TCD: That is sinful. But it doesn’t rise to the level of an excommunicable offense.

MI:  Good. I’m asking for a friend.

TCD: Then tell your friend he will suffer the flames and torments of purgatory as he repents of his sin.

MI: Oh. How do I, I mean my friend, get out of purgatory?

TCD: Have your family, I mean your friend’s family, pray for the repose of his soul.

MI:  Crap. I’m, I mean he’s doomed. Next question:  I have cheated on my taxes and not reported income. Excommunicable?

TCD:  Cheating on one’s taxes is a very serious offense. As you know by reporting our income to the state it is redistributed to those of God’s children who are less well off than you. The redistribution of wealth is a core Catholic belief. Socialism is compassionate. Just like Jesus.

MI:  Okay we’ll have to disagree on that. Taxation is theft. Next question. I use 100 watt light bulbs and high flush toilets. Is this excommunicable?

TCD: As you know climate change is a sin caused by mankind. Using those devices as you do leads to climate change. I wouldn’t excommunicate you but I would hear your confess and ask you to repent.

MI: Yeah good luck with that.  Next question.  The governor of New York,  Andrew Cuomo, a purported Catholic, has just signed a bill into law allowing abortion up to the moment of birth. Also if a baby survives an abortion attempt no efforts shall be made to keep the baby alive. Is this excommunicable?

TCD: That’s a difficult question. As you know abortion seriously grieves God. Not as much as climate change but enough. I know many would like me to excommunicate the Governor but that would be a mistake. We need to dialogue with those opposed to Church teaching.

MI:  I see. Next question. Let’s say a fifteen year old boy wears a MAGA hat. Is this an excommunicable – 

TCD:  F*cking crucify the son of a bitch!  I’ll crucify him and then excommunicate him!

MI: For a hat?

TCD:  Whomever besmirches himself by wearing a MAGA hat deserves eternal condemnation!  There is no hope for people like this. They are outside the body of Christ forever!

MI:  Wow. Whatever happened to dialogue?

TCD: You cannot dialogue with racists! They must be shunned forever. Let them feel the weeping and gnashing of teeth.

MI: It’s just a damn hat!

TCD: Are you defending wearing a MAGA hat?  That does it. You are formally excommunicated! And I’m taking your donuts too! Begone Satan. Begone!

[Cardinal Dolan sprinkles holy water on Manhattan Infidel and runs away]

MI:  What the hell man?

Go ahead take my donuts. The jokes on the Cardinal. I didn’t tell him about my other ten boxes of chocolate donuts. I wonder if that is an excommunicable offense?

(120)