My Exclusive Interview with Ralph “Coonman” Northam, Governor of the Commonwealth of Virginia

In my defense I hate black people











Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing the Governor of Virginia Ralph Northam.

MI:  Good afternoon Governor Northam.

RN:  Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel.

MI:  You of course have been much in the news lately. Let’s start with Virginia’s abortion law which was voted down. You were quoted as saying that if an infant survived an abortion attempt it would be kept comfortable while the mother and doctor decided whether to put it to death. Are you in fact endorsing infanticide?

RN: Let me just say that my words were taken out of context by religious extremists. 

MI:  How so?

RN:  Well if the religious extremists hadn’t voted the law down in committee and it had passed I would anticipate that most of the abortions done in Virginia would be of black children. Hence not infanticide.

MI:  Um. What?

RN:  I said that since most of the babies being aborted under the new law would be black and since black children are worth less than white children it would not be infanticide. See how my words have been twisted by religious extremists!

MI:  Right. Well let’s move on. Recently you have come under fire for a yearbook photo of you in blackface – 

RN: I was NOT wearing blackface.

MI:  No?

RN:  I was wearing the KKK hood.

MI:  The KKK hood?

RN: Yes. But in my defense I had just come from a Klan meeting. We were discussing what to do with Negroes who insisted on invading traditional white spaces.  

MI:  Traditional white spaces?

RN: Yes. Quite understandable. You know I don’t see what the big deal is. I wish Republicans and religious extremists would stop twisting my words.

MI: You know that old saying about when you’re in a hole stop digging? Well you might want to stop digging.

RN:  I don’t understand. Anyway why is everyone focusing on that one picture? I have plenty of pictures that are non-controversial and show me at my compassionate best. Take a look at this photo for instance. Nothing controversial about it.

[He hands Manhattan Infidel a photo]

MI: That’s a photo of you dumpster diving for aborted baby parts outside an abortion clinic!

RN:  Yes but in my defense they were aborted black baby parts and it was summertime and I needed meat for a barbecue.

MI: I. Um. Are you sure you want to say that?

RN: Why not?  Are you going to twist my words out of context? Are you a religious extremist?

MI: Let me give another chance to dig yourself out of this hole.  Your yearbook lists your nicknames. One of them is “Coonman.” There must be a logical explanation. Perhaps Coonman is a reference to someone named Coon whom you admired?

RN: No. It refers to my penchant for dressing up in blackface. When I’m not in Klan robes you understand.

[Manhattan Infidel puts his head in his hands]

MI: Okay. One last chance. You once refused to shake the hand of an opponent during a televised debate.

RN:  Yes well in my defense – 

MI: He was black?

RN: Yes!  See. That was such a simple explanation. I can’t believe Republicans and religious extremists would twist my words and actions so!

And so ended my interview with Virginia’s progressive Democratic governor.



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