Me Big Chief Lies Like a Motherfucker

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing a personage much in the news lately:  Tribal elder Nathan Phillips, who beat a drum in the face of teenagers at the right to life rally in Washington D.C.

MI:  Good afternoon Mr. Phillips.

NP:  Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel, representative of the white man’s press.

MI:  So I’m reading here and it says you are the keeper of the sacred pipe. Forgive me my ignorance of native American customs but what exactly is the sacred pipe?

NP:  It is a pipe that is sacred to my people. I keep it.

MI: Okay. But why is it sacred?

NP:  The pipe has been handed down since the beginning of time in my tribe. We smoke it during important events such as treaty signings.  It’s a great honor to keep it.

MI:  Do you have it on you?

NP: Yes. 

MI:  May I see it?

[Tribal Elder Phillips hands Manhattan Infidel the sacred pipe]

MI:  Um. This is a bong. A bong in the shape of a penis. 

The sacred pipe

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

NP:  It is sacred to my tribe since its beginning.

MI: The beginning? When did your tribe form?

NP:  Woodstock. I remember lots of mud and someone warning us not to take the bad acid. So I bought this sacred pipe of peace and smoked it instead.

MI: I see. You also describe yourself as a Vietnam Veteran.  Where did you serve and what did you do?

NP:  I served all over Vietnam but mainly in the part of Vietnam known as South Dakota.  I was a recon ranger.

MI: What exactly is a recon ranger.

NP:  Laymen know them as refrigerator technicians. But in the military we are known as recon rangers. That’s what we are known in the service. I wouldn’t expect a civilian like you to know this.

MI:  Refrigerator repairmen are known as recon rangers in the Marines?

NP:  Like I said I wouldn’t expect a civilian like yourself to know this term.

MI: You also call yourself the “water protector” at Standing Rock. What does a water protector do exactly?

NP: I sell bottled water. Bottled water is sacred to my people. The selling of bottled water is a sacred ritual.

MI:  Right.  Now let’s get to what I wanted to talk about. You confronted the teenager from Covington at the rally in DC and drummed right in his face. Why did you do that? 

Bullshit

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

NP: I didn’t confront him. I was attempting to defuse a tense situation.

MI: Many believe otherwise and think you were intentionally trying to be confrontational.

NP: White man speak with forked tongue.

MI:  White man speak with video evidence.

NP: I will not sell white man the sacred bottled water.

MI: I’m utterly shattered by that. Anyway one last question before I go. Your name, Nathan Phillips, sounds western. Do you have a native American name?

NP:  Yes. Among my tribe I am known as Chief Nocka wantu mocka fanga mooka wang chung tonight.

MI:  What does that mean?

NP: Chief Lying Sack of Shit Who Bamboozles Gullible White Folk.

MI:  I see. Well that’s about all the time we have.

NP:  Wait. Don’t you want your d*ck sucked?  I’ll suck it for 20 dollars. In my tribe I am also known as Chief Cum Dumpster.

MI: No thanks I’ll pass.

And so ended my interview with Vietnam veteran, tribal elder, keeper of the sacred pipe and water protector Nathan Phillips. This is just a hunch but I think he might have been running some sort of scam.

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