Kars For Kids to Break Up!

The band has grown stale. Time to break it up







Kars For Kids, perhaps one of the most influential bands ever, have announced that they will be taking a hiatus from further creative activity together.

“As we have entered our teens we have grown apart” said their guitarist, often referred to as the “face of the band.”

Life is one constant spiritual journey. When the band formed we were all preteens and had many things in common, like waiting for our testicles to descend and our pubes to grow. We just clicked. There was a bond between us. Inseparable you might say. And as a band we were all jamming on the same wavelength. It was righteous. But now we are teenagers. In middle school. We’ve grown up and grown apart. It is time to grow emotionally, artistically and physically. I wish the other band members well and wish them nothing but success.

Others in the band  however feel that the guitarist’s decision to break up the band had darker motives.

“He was a control freak” said the band’s keyboardist.

He had to control everything. And what he couldn’t control he tried to destroy. He started to tell me how to play my keyboards. I have my own style man and my style was not his style. So he starts scheduling recording sessions without me and hiring session musicians to play keyboards like he wanted. So yeah, you could say me and the bastard clashed. He tried to fire me but I have a buyout in my contract that would have been too expensive. That and our manager threatened to spank him and send him to bed without dinner.

Another point of contention was the guitarist’s burgeoning relationship with the band’s violin player.

“He developed pubes before the rest of us” said the bassist, aka “The Black Kid.”

He was so proud of getting pubes. He would rub it in our faces. Literally! The dude is sick. Anyway he sent a selfie of his pubes to the violin player and she became smitten.  After that they were inseparable. Always holding hands in the lunch room. He even told me about a dry humping session, whatever that is. I just wish I would get pubes. Why does the white kid get pubes before me?  It’s racism that’s what it is!  From now on I’m taking a knee during the National Anthem!  I had better see some pubes soon or I’m joining Antifa!

With Kars for Kids no more the voice of the youth of America the kids of the nation look to another band to lead their generation.

“I’m touring with NSYNC.  Now that’s a band with a future” said their drummer.


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The former guitarist and violinist for Kars For Kids have been suspended from their middle school after being discovered dry humping underneath the football bleachers.

“I knew this would happen once he got pubes” said the principal.


2 Responses

  1. LSP says:

    I don’t know why, but this reminded me of last night’s white pant suit reaction to SOTU.

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