Porky Pig Arrested in Pre-Dawn Raid!

Right wing extremist and lying bastard!










In a daring and brave pre-dawn raid that once again showed the entire world that the Federal Bureau of Investigation is serious about crime, well-known right wing extremist Porky the Pig was arrested and charged with five counts of lying to the FBI.

“Mr. Pig has been arrested in conjunction with the Special Prosecutor’s investigation into possible Russian collusion” said an FBI spokesman.

Mr. Pig was questioned several times by FBI agents relating to Wikileaks release of documents that could embarrass Madame Clinton during the 2016 campaign. After reviewing the tapes of his interrogation we have found five occasions where Mr. Pig lied to us.

  1.  We asked him if the sky was blue. He said yes. In fact it was overcast that day and the sky was not even visible.
  2. We asked him if he had been in touch with Donald Trump Jr. He said no. Well, technically we have no evidence he was lying but come on! We’re the FBI. Since when do we need evidence. Everyone knows Trump Jr. is a slime bucket anyway.
  3. We asked him if he knew what Mickey Mantle’s batting average was in 1956. He said no. We refer to Mr. Pig’s Facebook post of last week where he writes “Mickey Mantle was the greatest switch hitter ever. He won the triple crown in 1956 with 52 home runs, 130 RBIs and a batting average of .353!”
  4. We asked him if he colluded with Russia to deny Hillary Clinton her rightful presidency. Mr. Pig said no. Again, we are the FBI so we have never investigated this further or have any evidence that he colluded. But Mr. Pig is a notorious right-wing extremist. This means he is probably guilty.
  5. We asked him what day of the year March 7th 2018 fell on. He said Monday. In fact it was a Wednesday.

Now all this may seem trivial. But we in the FBI pride ourselves on our professionalism when it comes to weeding out crime. The fact that Mr. Pig would lie about small stuff like this means he is lying about bigger matters. And, as is well known, he is a right-wing provocateur. And he smirks. He smirked throughout the entire questioning. If he had been wearing a MAGA hat we would have shot him.

Mr. Pig for his part denies any wrongdoing and questions the need for a pre-dawn raid.

I’m an old pig. I don’t have a passport. I don’t own a gun. Hell I don’t even own any pants. Was it necessary to send 29 agents into my home at 5 in the morning and scaring my dogs? All they had to do was call my lawyer and ask if I could come in for questioning. I would have said yes. The fact that the FBI did this should frighten all Americans who are worried about the dissolution of our freedoms. The agents even insulted me by saying how they would really “love to eat some bacon.” Come on! That’s a hate crime! Well I will fight this and I will win!

Mr. Pig’s arrest is yet another blow to the damaged Trump presidency and its efforts to keep the truth about his collusion with Russia from the American people.

“The arrest of Porky Pig is  groundbreaking and proves the extent of Trump’s duplicity” said CNN”s Chris Cuomo.  “I’d say we are in a constitutional crisis and expect impeachment proceeding to being any day now.”



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