Blogging means I’m on the internet so that makes me important

Blogging.  Is there a more rewarding occupation for a man who has never known the touch of a woman?

But why write? It’s simple really.  It’s a chance to communicate with other people.  And sometimes my medication doesn’t show up on time.

But since my medication has arrived I think I’ll take this opportunity to explore how Manhattan Infidel ranks in the blogosphere.

According to the information I have found Manhattan Infidel rank as a very respectable 45,337,225 most popular blog in the world.

Being a charitable man I’d like to share the five blogs who rank just above me. Hopefully they will return the favor once I give them all that traffic.

No. 45,337,224: Picture of my Feces

I found this blog to pretty self-explanatory and a bit dry (well the photos that didn’t involve diarrhea anyway.)  While the content on the blog is limited my readers may enjoy comparing their feces to the authors.  My favorite post was the Thanksgiving one. I never realized so much corn can still be visible in feces.  Anyway. Check it out.

No. 45,337,223:  Jared Fogle for President 2016

The author of this blog writes “Our country is fractured and needs a hero. Jared Fogle is that man.” There have been no recent updates to this blog.

No. 45,337,222:  Jews for Hitler!

The goal of this blog is to “set the story straight about one of history’s most misunderstood people. More misunderstood than even David Hasselhoff’s rock and roll career.” The blog seems to consist of photoshopped pictured of Hitler wearing a yarmulke. There is even a category called “What would Hitler do with Israel” where the author proves that Hitler would in fact be friendlier to the Jewish state than President Obama.

No. 45,337,221:  Let me Touch your Teenage Daughter

I found this to be an entertaining blog.  The author, a “middle aged loner with no friends” makes a valid point in his entries that he is harmless and not a danger to society.  He simply wants to touch your teenage daughters. While pleasuring himself. And filming it. You see. Nothing untoward.  I recommend this blog.  God bless this blogger and the important part he is playing in the movement to allow middle aged men to touch teenage girls.

No. 45,337,220:  Here’s My Penis!

What distinguishes this blog from the millions of other blogs of men showing off their penis? For one it’s done by the same man who runs the Let me Touch your Teenage Daughter blog. It’s kind of a companion blog. Once cannot be viewed without looking at the other.

So readers I want you to visit these entertaining blogs. And tell them that Manhattan Infidel sent you.

What was the 45,337,226th most popular blog?  CNN.

But I wouldn’t recommend that blog.

It has no pictures of feces or penises.  It’s disgusting!

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The new Olivia Wilde!

As all my regular readers know, I had a long and passionate imaginary relationship with Olivia Wilde (pictured below.)

This imaginary relationship just could not continue forever

Oh Olivia.  I will always remember our imaginary nights together.  The imaginary walks along the beach.  The imaginary dinners.  The imaginary gifts.  The imaginary passionate sex.  Yes, it’s your turn to spank me.  I’ve been a bad boy. But alas, I guess I just imagined we loved each other too much.  She left me for Jason Sudekis (pictured here)

Every woman’s crazy about a sharp dressed man

and it is time for me to move on.

And so, Claire Danes, you are my new imaginary girlfriend. Oh sure, I could get a real girlfriend. But remember, I am a blogger.  And getting a real girlfriend would entail actually putting on pants, leaving my apartment and meeting people. And when has a blogger ever done that?

I remember it like it was yesterday. I walked right up to Claire and I said, “Hello Claire.  My name is Manhattan Infidel. I have a blog and I have chosen you as my new imaginary girlfriend.”

Her face lit up.

Oh my god this can’t be happening!

Recognizing that look of joy I then invited her back to my place. She seemed open to the idea.

Should I kill him now?

Wanting the mood to be just right I then asked her if she wouldn’t mind doing that thing I liked. Her eyes lit up.  No doubt because she had always wanted a man to ask her to do that thing.

I”m going to be sick!

Because I didn’t want to seem to be coming on too strong I told her she could leave in the morning.

I feel dirty!

She liked that idea and thanked me for my kindness and for thinking about her needs.

I need to take a very long shower

Don’t worry I told her. You’ll enjoy your stay at Casa Manhattan Infidel. Just don’t step on any cat vomit or fur balls. And there will be no walk of shame for you.  I’ll pay for a taxi.

I have let down my friends, my family, everyone.

You see, as a blogger I am quite the imaginary ladies man. They love me.  They love my imaginary caresses

What the hell just touched me?

The whispering

I wish I were deaf

The climax of our passion.

I’m joining a convent!

Yes, imaginary relationships take lots of effort. But when you’ve had as much experience as I have it comes easy.

Just a word of warning to my readers: Don’t touch Claire Danes. She is all mine.

Claire as I imagine her

And a word of warning to Claire: Break my heart and I will dump you and take up with Kirsten Dunst.

My back up imaginary girlfriend

I am Manhattan Infidel. Imaginary ladies man.

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You can go your own way, as Fleetwood Mac once said

Pope Francis made another heroic move to modernize the Catholic church by announcing the streamlining of the annulment process.

“Many Catholics still see marriage as a sacred institution” said the Vatican Secretary of State Cardinal Pietro Parolin.

We have a word for Catholics such as this: backward and out of touch.  Fortunately Pope Francis is not such a man. He believes, as all modern society does, that marriage can and should be ended when couples have great difficulty. Or when they become bored with each other. Or find a young trophy wife.

As part of the “Driving the Church into the Ground” initiative the compassionate Pope has released the following guidelines that will enable Catholics suffering from marriage to get an annulment:

For men:

• If your wife has ever changed the channel on you while you were watching a hockey game
• Does your wife nag you when you are trying to watch football on the weekend?
• Is your wife five pounds overweight?
• Is your wife getting a little old?
• Would you rather have sex with one of the hot young girls in the office?
• Is it Tuesday?
• Is it Friday?
• Is your wife Irish?
• Don’t you want to do what the Protestants can do?  I mean look how well it worked for them.  Church attendance is overflowing.

For Women:

• Is your spouse a man?

“These new rules are compassionate” explained Parolin.

Pope Francis is the Pope of compassion and it’s time to rethink the theology of marriage.  Why do people need a piece of paper anyway? By opening up the annulment process people will be able to get married again and still receive communion. As Jesus said, “”Lord, how often shall I get married and still receive communion? Up to seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.”  I think he said that.  It’s been a long time since I read the bible.

Parolin promises that this is just the beginning of Church reform.

The Church has been around for 2000 years. This is a much different world than first century Palestine and we should adjust our values accordingly. Science, psychology and humanism have made great strides and we must adapt or risk losing even more members. We will be opening up the doors to communion.  Since science has proven that transubstantiation cannot be true and that communion is only a symbol everyone can receive it.  Non Catholics. Non Christians. Non Humans. Cats are God’s creatures. Once a cat reaches the age of reason they should be allowed to receive communion.

This cat has reached the age of reason and should be allowed to receive communion

And yes, the new annulment rules apply to cats as well.

Also changed will be the doctrine of Purgatory.

Being the Pope of compassion Francis does not believe it is right that Catholics should have to purge so-called sins of the flesh. Henceforth the only sin that will land a Catholic in Purgatory will be a sin against the environment like driving an SUV or using a high flush toilet. You know tradition has it that Judas used a high flush toilet.

Parolin ended the press conference by announcing that from now on the Church will be officially called “The Democratic Socialist Roman Church.”

“Catholic was just too, well  non-inclusive” said Parolin.  “Trust me. These changes will make the Church stronger than ever.”

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We don’t want aliens to think we’re stupid or backward

NASA announced today that any further messages sent into deep space in hopes of contacting alien life will be updated.

“The old messages were disturbingly old fashioned” said NASA’s administrator, Charles Bolden.

The earlier messages showed a lot of white men and an attitude of white privilege. Women were meek, submissive, oppressed by patriarchy and heterosexuality. Peoples of color were not featured in the message at all. This has to change if we want aliens to contact us. I mean if you were an alien life form who would you rather initiate first contact with? Scary war-like white folk or peaceful peoples of color?

Accordingly the new message drawn up by NASA, “after consultation with our diversity engineers” will show aliens that Americans take the ideal of inclusiveness seriously.

In the five -minute video a collection of diverse peoples of color (pictured here)

We all have penises. Except the men who are post op.

welcome aliens and promise peace and love from planet Earth.

If you look closely at the video we have a transsexual, gay woman of color, a post op, gay female to male man of color, a gay Asian pre-op transsexual, a gay male of color who wants to be a woman, another post op male to female gay person of color, a black but probably gay man (I mean just look at the sweater he’s wearing), a white woman who hates penis in vagina sex and is not dogmatic in her whiteness and a gay Asian dude who no doubt wishes to become a woman.  If this doesn’t represent the diversity of America then I guess I don’t understand the meaning of the word diversity.

Hoping to attract a diverse set of young people, NASA sent out the following questionnaire to over  100,000 college students:

• Do you vote Democrat?

Yes

No

•  Do you believe that penis in vagina sex is what nature intended?

Yes

No

This question insults my progressiveness

• Do you believe gender is a fluid, bourgeois construct?

Yes.   It’s what all intelligent people believe

Yes. We must overcome the fascism of biology

Yes. Yes and yes again!

• Are you a heterosexual white male of  northern European origin?

Yes. I mean no.  Was that the wrong answer?

Yes.  But I feel conflicted and ashamed of my race’s history of hatred and noninclusiveness

No muthafucka!

• If selected to represent the diversity of America in the message to space will you help NASA administrator Charles Bolden redesign his home?

Oh yes I’d love to.  I go antiquing every weekend!

I’m good at Feng shui and love designing

I was once bullied by a football player and since then have devoted my life to social justice and interior design

“As you can see” said Holden “Our questionnaire was designed to weed out unwelcome nondiverse elements.”

*************************************************************************************************************************

Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news 

*************************************************************************************************************************

Non-gender fluid aliens from Alpha Centauri have announced that they will be bypassing Earth during their latest explorations of space.

“Earth has lots of beaches and we like beaches” said a high-ranking Alpha Centauran.  “But this gender fluidity crap is starting to scare a lot of us off.”

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Eat fresh! But without children!

With sales plummeting in lieu of the Jared Fogle scandal and in an attempt to revitalize their brand, the Subway restaurant chain announced today that its new spokesman will be veteran actor and comedian Bill Cosby.

“We had to hire someone” said Subway CEO Fred DeLuca.

I mean seriously. We had to hire someone.  Our brand is pretty toxic right now and no one wanted to be the face of our product. We put feelers out to everyone in Hollywood.  Mel Gibson said no. Ariana Grande said she would take the job if she could lick our subs.  We even tried to hire Roman Polanski. He’s very respected in Hollywood. But then someone told us he likes pre-teen girls. And well, after Jared we didn’t think that would be a good idea.

With that DeLuca’s voiced trailed off in silence as he drank from a bottle of whiskey.

I don’t have to tell you that the past few months have been tough for those of us associated with Subway. I mean who knew a fat guy who likes footlongs  would be a pedophile.  I never saw that one coming.

DeLuca, who admits to rarely sleeping anymore, wiped away the sweat from his brow, the heavy bags under his eyes accentuated by the TV lights.

I was worried that we might not be able to find anyone. But then Bill Cosby approached us and asked if he could be the spokesman. The more I thought about it the more it made sense. He has a wonderful record as a celebrity spokesman.

When asked by a reporter if the recent scandals surrounding Cosby made him the right choice, DeLuca seemed stunned.

Scandal? Scandal? What scandal?  Please. Don’t say that. I’ve just started eating again. There’s a scandal involving Cosby?  Please say it has nothing to do with sex.

DeLuca was then informed of the myriad of rape allegations against Cosby.

“Do any of them involve minors?” he asked.

When told that none of them, so far, did, DeLuca broke down in tears.

Oh thank god.  This is the first good news I’ve gotten in months. So no sex with minors? Yes!  Finally!  I knew I’d find the one person in Hollywood who enjoys sex with adults.

After regaining his composure, DeLuca thanked Cosby for agreeing to be Subway’s spokesman and talked about how he came to hire him.

He asked me to come to his house and we sat down over dinner and drinks.  “Mr. Cosby” I said to him, “Subway is hurting and needs your help. Will you be our spokesman?” I don’t remember what happened after that but I woke up the next morning in his bed. I guess I must have gotten ill.  It was nice of him to take care of me. And that act of kindness is why Bill Cosby will be our next celebrity salesman!

When reporters told DeLuca that he was probably drugged and raped by Cosby he took another drink from the ever present bottle of whiskey in his hand before shouting “Ah, fuck it.” and smashing the bottle on the podium.

He then threw a chair out the window and jumped out. Unfortunately DeLuca’s suicide attempt was thwarted by the fact that the press conference was on the ground floor and he only succeeded in tripping over a rose bush and breaking an ankle.

“Fuck it. Fuck it.  I can’t even kill myself!” reporters heard him screaming as the ambulance arrived.

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F*ck you!

Do you know what I love most about living in America?  Hookers.  Nothing says “I live in a free society” quite like paying a woman for sex. While on a meth binge.  After murdering someone. What? You mean people can read this?

Anyway on to part ten (that’s X in Latin) of my series “2017 Inaugural addresses.”  Today it is John Kasich’s turn. And John has a lot to say to America.

My fellow Americans.  At least the ones who voted for me. You know who you are. The one’s who voted for Jeb Bush in the primaries.  F*ck all of you.  I’m sick of people disparaging my record.  You don’t know what you are talking about. Do you know what God wants?  I do. He wants me to expand medicaid.  I’m a compassionate conservative dammit. And f*ck all of you for disagreeing with me.

People say I am nasty and have a hot temper. Well you’d have a hot temper too if the ungrateful Republicans didn’t realize all you have done for the party.  And stop talking about my wanting to increase medicaid.  It’s for the poor.  Hey you!  Yeah you lady.  You in the front row.  I don’t know about you, lady, but when I get to the pearly gates, I’m going to have an answer for what I’ve done for the poor.  You hear that.  Government spending helps the poor. All true mainstream Republicans know this.

Look I don’t care what you yokels think. God talks to me. He does. And he told me to this.  Expanding medicaid was the only morally right thing to do.

So all you naysayers can shut the f*ck up.  I’m John f*cking Kasich and I know what’s best.  I’m President dammit!

You don’t want to mess with me.  You don’t want to mess with the Kasich, baby! Don’t mess with the Kasich!

Yeah, I’m talking to you, American yokels.  Do you know what I do when I’m not governor of Ohio?  I’m a Mexican wrestler.  My name is Comando Feo! And anyone who disagrees with me I’m going to Mexican wrestle them into a headlock and rip their f*cking head off!  Don’t believe me?  Take a look at this picture of me.

Governor Kasich in costume

Yea, that’s me you yokel American motherf*ckers!

I answer to God, not to Americans so lay off the criticism of me.

No I’m not thin-skinned.

Anyone who says I’m thin-skinned and unfit for the office of President I’ll fight right now.  I don’t care.  I’ll motherf*cking fight you right here.

You don’t believe me?  Alright wait until I put my mask on.  

[Puts mask on]

Now I’m taking you on.  

You.  Yeah, you old lady.  You look like you think I’m hot headed.  Well let’s see what you think about me now.  I’m Kasich baby! Kasich!

[President Kasich jumps into the stunned inaugural crowd and grabs an 80-year old woman and puts her in a headlock]

I’m ripping your motherf*cking head off.  I’m Kasich and I can do it!

It was at this point that the networks stopped covering the inauguration and switched back to regular programming.

“Look if I wanted to see a maniac kill an old lady I’d watch Dexter” said a network executive.

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