6 Oct 15

What Neil Armstrong Could Have Said on the Moon

I can't breathe in this thing!

I can’t breathe in this thing!

As everyone knows when the late Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon for the first time he said “That’s one small step for  man, one giant leap for mankind.”  But did you know that that wasn’t the first phrase Armstrong came up with?

Being a bit of a history buff I was able to compile a list of phrases that came close to being the first things said on the moon. It’s history!

  • That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for my bladder!

Armstrong was quite nervous and thought the moon landing might not succeed.

  • That’s one small step for man, thanks to my rugged yet comfortable boots!

Being a government employee Armstrong wasn’t making a log of money so he sought endorsement deals where he could.

  • That’s one small step for man. And now it’s time to relax with a cool, menthol-flavored cigarette!

Apparently another endorsement deal denied by NASA.

  • Houston we have a problem. Aldrin’s (Buzz Aldrin, his fellow Apollo 11 astronaut) is touching me!

Armstrong thought Aldrin was an asshole and didn’t mind if the world knew.

  • What’s that over there?  It’s moving towards me…….aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!!!!!

Life on the  moon?  A distinct possibility.

  • So, are you into it?

Armstrong was a Navy man and saw the moon as another port and an opportunity to score

  • No really, are you into it?  Why don’t you come into the lunar module and let me show it to you

Like I said, Navy man.

  • How do you feel about anal?

Um, Navy.

  • I like to be spanked

Navy again.

  • Go on, touch it.  Touch it!

You know.  I won’t say it.

  • Did I ever tell you about the time me and Chuck Yeager banged six Japanese girls at once?

Um.

  • Landing on the moon really makes me horny.  Oh god here it comes!

Now that’s just gross.

  • Why don’t we do it in the road? No one will be watching us.  Why don’t we do it in the road?

Armstrong was a Beatles fan.  Or, Navy again.

  • Drums beating, cold English blood runs hot Lady of the house wonderin’ where it’s gonna stop House boy knows that he’s doing alright You shoulda heard him just around midnight Brown sugar how come you taste so good, now? Brown sugar just like a young girl should, now

Armstrong was also a fan of the Rolling Stones.  Or he was really into interracial sex.

  • My parents treat me rough With all their marijuana, they won’t give me a puff They didn’t wanna have me but somehow I was had Leapin’ lizards, that’s why I’m so bad

Armstrong was also a fan of musical theater.

  • And when I get that feeling I want sexual healing Sexual healing, oh baby Makes me feel so fine

Navy.

  • My herpes is in remission

Too much sexual healing apparently.

And so readers, I’m sure we are all glad that Armstrong stuck to his now the now classic phrase when landing on the moon. And to those who feel I have defamed a great American all I can say is touch it. Come on, just touch it.

(140)

1 Comment
Filed in The dark side of popular culture
  Posted by
5 Oct 15

Manhattan Infidel Discusses How to Be a Modern Man

Don't believe the New York Times. Only Manhattan infidel knows how to be a modern man

Don’t believe the New York Times. Only Manhattan infidel knows how to be a modern man

Last week the New York Times (the paper of the Democratic Party record) ran a piece on how to be a modern man.  The piece was widely mocked.  Do not listen to them.  Only Manhattan Infidel knows how to be a modern man. And that is what I am going to share with my readers.

  • When the modern man buys shoes for his spouse he doesn’t have to ask her what her size is

This is true. I don’t have to ask my spouse what her size is.  Mainly because I don’t have a spouse. I spend the time I’m not at work lying on my couch eating potato chips.  If some fall, the cat will eat them. But I suppose for those of you who do have a spouse you could try taping her shoe size to the TV.  That way when you are watching football and she asks to buy new shoes you’ll have the size handy.

  • The modern man never lets others know when his confidence is sunk

There is no need to. When you are staggering home from a bar after closing time and every women in the bar, everyone, even the women with penises, have turned you down it’s pretty self evident that your confidence is sunk.  Not that this has ever happened to Manhattan Infidel.  I’ve never left a bar at closing time. Several hours after closing time, yes.

  • The modern man is considerate.  At the movie theater he won’t munch down a mouthful of popcorn at a quiet time

The modern man in the movie theater keeps his popcorn on his lap, with a hole in the bottom. He will have his woman reach into the bag.  He’s considerate that way.  It’s all about her needs.

  • The modern man does not cut the charred or fatty bits off his fillet. Every bit of steak is a privilege

The modern man hasn’t had steak or eaten out in years.  His place is lined with empty pizza boxes.  Because if you’re not eating pizza for dinner and cold pizza for breakfast and lunch then there is something wrong with you. Oh sure, women might look askance at this.  When they do just give their shoe size that you have taped above the TV, fifty dollars and tell them to go shopping.

  • The modern man checks the status of his Irish Spring bar before jumping into the shower

What is this showering crap?  It only takes time away from my Google search for Asian lesbians who like white men. Who blog.  Who do not make much money.  Who live in apartments. Apartments filled with empty pizza boxes.

  • The modern man has never “pinned” a tweet

The modern man follows porn stars on Twitter and sends them pictures of his penis. Because that’s what women want. That and empty pizza boxes.

  • The modern man lies on the side of the bed closer to the door.  That way if an intruder gets in he can fight him off while his wife escapes

The modern man is also a feminist. Screw that shit. Let her take care of the intruder. Besides, he’s probably going to trip over the empty pizza boxes lining the hallway anyway. That’ll wake me up and give me time to call 911 and wait an hour for police to arrive. Because the modern man has faith to place his security in the hands of the state.

  • The modern man does not own a gun. He has no use for one

Well technically I do but the terms of my parole won’t let me buy a gun. Besides, the State will protect me. I bet the local police precinct has lots of empty pizza boxes.

  • The modern man cries.  A lot

Only on Sunday when his football team loses. Also when his Viagra does not take effect quick enough to satisfy the neighbor’s daughter. I mean sure she’s only 16 but she really needs the warm, gentle touch of an older man.

So readers, now you know how to be a modern man. It’s easy. All that is required is bookmarks filled with Asian lesbian sites, pizza boxes and selfies of your private parts. You’ll thank me later.

(190)

1 Comment
Filed in General insanity
  Posted by
2 Oct 15

Star Fleet Finally to Address Its Green Women Problem

To boldly go where no man has gone before. Oh, and stay away from green women

To boldly go where no man has gone before. Oh, and stay away from green women

Star Fleet has decided to become proactive regarding the scandal of green women that threatens its very existence.

“We’ve ignored it for too long” said a Star Fleet executive.

We’ve known about this for awhile but have turned the other way. You know. Men in space. Boys will be boys. Let them have some fun. But we can no longer ignore the fact that our officers’ obsessions with green women is having a serious impact on fleet productivity. I mean either all officers get them some green women or none do.

Beware! VD is not your friend!

Beware! VD is not your friend!

 For some to know that others are travelling the “green highway” while they aren’t is leading to serious morale erosion.

The long-simmering problems reached a crisis point during a recent mission by the Enterprise.

They were supposed to be negotiating a mining treaty with the local inhabitants. Not only did they not do that but its officers all contracted VD. The Enterprise’s Captain, James Kirk, sent selfies of his penis to most of the green women on the planet, which I don’t have to tell you is almost as serious a violation of Star Fleet rules as smoking.

So many picture were sent that Star Fleet had to dedicate a separate server to pictures of Kirk’s penis.

Our resources are limited so we had to reduce the size of Star Fleet employee’s mailboxes just to accommodate the evidence of Kirk’s manhood. I don’t have to tell you our employees were angry. They started hacking into the server and taking images of Kirk’s penis and sending it to executives with the words “have a nice day.”

Kirk wasn’t the only officer on board the Enterprise caught up in the throes of green fever. Its chief medical officer Leonard McCoy was caught on tape having an encounter with one.

Green woman: Why don’t you take off all your clothes and get on all fours.

McCoy: Dammit woman I’m a doctor not a contortionist.

Their logical and unemotional First Officer, Mr. Spock was also involved.

Green woman: Would you like me to take my top off?

Spock: To remove one’s outer layer of clothing and expose one’s skin to the sun is highly illogical.

Green woman: Okay you’re ruining the mood sparky. 

Hoping to end the problem once and for all, Star Fleet Human Resources sent out a memo to all officers asking them to refrain from green women activity and expanding the Prime Directive.  A portion of the document follows:

As you know Star Fleet prides itself on contact with other species. However that cannot include contact of a sexual nature as it may lead to cultural misunderstandings. Henceforth the Prime Directive shall read “Star Fleet shall not interfere with the natural progression of indigenous cultures. This includes but is not limited to contact with green women.  Any officer who is caught with a green woman will be written up and demerits placed in their personnel file.”

Despite Star Fleet’s hopes of curbing the problem many officers say they will continue to visit green women.

Who can resist?

Who can resist?

“Once you’ve gone green you never go back” said Captain Kirk.

(222)

2 Comments
Filed in The dark side of popular culture
  Posted by
1 Oct 15

Can You Pass Fourth Grade Math?

The isosceles triangle self-identifies as transgender.

The isosceles triangle self-identifies as transgender.

Here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ we do more than expose the news stories the MSM won’t print.  We care about our readers and want them to be better, more informed citizens. Better, more informed citizens who can afford good lawyers when they are discovered in a cheap motel room with a Dominican hooker and five grams of coke.

So with this principle in mind I now present a Math test.  Hopefully this test will enlighten you as much as it did me.

227 + 14 equals

  1. 241
  2. Math was invented by the white man.  As such it is racist
  3. I can’t believe you’d even ask such a question when there is so much suffering in the world
  4. I want to be a woman

A deli is now serving number 339.  Who will be served next?

  1. 340
  2. Who will be served next?  Social justice!
  3. Who cares?  I deserve to be served next!
  4. Waiting in line makes me feel nonempowered and victimized!

A bus has 14 rows with four passenger seats in each row. What is the total number of passenger seats on the bus?

  1. 56.
  2. As long as this bus is heading to a #blacklivesmatter rally who cares?
  3. I will gladly give up my seat to the transgender activist
  4. How many of these so-called seats self-identify as recliners?

Kim is thinking of a number greater than 17.  Her number is an odd number. What could be her number?

  1. 25
  2. Isn’t that just like the white man?  Distracting woman with problems like these so they won’t focus on their oppression
  3. Why is this number odd? That is a moral judgment that shames this test
  4. Does Kim have a penis?  Did she used to have one?  Is she biologically “female”? What is her self-identity?

Chad’s brother is playing with 43 toy blocks. Which value is the same as 43?

  1. Four tens and three ones
  2. I salute Chad’s brother for playing with toy blocks instead of surrendering to a testosterone-fueled rage and playing football
  3. Wouldn’t Chad’s brother rather play with Barbie dolls?
  4. Has Chad started his hormone therapy yet?

Yolanda buys a video game and gets 46 cents in change. How many quarters, dimes, nickels and pennies add up to 46?

  1. This question is irrelevant. Yolanda should be marching in the streets instead of buying video games!
  2. This question is irrelevant. Once Bernie Sanders establishes a socialist workers’ paradise everything will be free!
  3. This question is irrelevant.  Yolanda sneers at your white privilege!
  4. This question is irrelevant.  Yolanda has a penis!

There are nine people fishing in a lake.  Each person caught six fish. What was the total number of fish caught?

  1. Was this a protected wetland?  I hope the EPA arrests them!
  2. Each person caught the same number of fish. Coincidence or the glory of socialism?
  3. Once the class struggle is eliminated fish will coexist peacefully with peoplekind.
  4. How many of the fish self-identified as transgender?

Hannah owns four pair of pants. One of them is gray.  Which percentage of her pants are gray?

  1. First off I salute Hannah for not wearing a dress. That’s what society wants!
  2. What age did Hannah start wearing pants?  Was this before she started to self-identify as a man?
  3. Does Hannah dress as a man when she goes out on dates with women?
  4. Is Hannah pre-op or post-op?

Soccer practice starts at 4:15 and ends at 5:30.  How long is practice?

  1. Europeans love soccer. This means it is a more intelligent sport than football
  2. Europeans love socialism.  This means that the soccer team doesn’t keep score
  3. Unlike America, Europeans love and welcome Muslims.  The soccer team takes time out from practice to face Mecca and kneel on their prayer rugs. Even the non-Muslims
  4. Practice had to end early so the players could take estrogen and put on dresses.

There you have it readers. I hope everyone passed.  Your self-identity depends on it.

(196)

4 Comments
Filed in General insanity
  Posted by
30 Sep 15

Casper the Friendly Ghost Enters Rehab

I like to get high!

I like to get high!

Casper the Friendly Ghost announced today that he is entering rehab for “substance abuse and assorted emotional issues.”

“I have let down my friends, both living and dead” said Casper.

While the public knows Casper as a a personable ghost who loved children and tried be friends with all, sources report that behind the scenes Casper was a deeply unhappy ghost.

“Casper was frustrated at his ectoplasmic situation” said a friend who wishes to remain anonymous.

Everyone thinks being a ghost is so much fun.  You get to go move between walls and float around. Cheap parlor tricks really.  You can get the same effect by doing acid. Caspar was bored.  He wanted more. He wanted to connect with people.  He was Casper the Friendly Ghost not Casper the Aloof Ghost after all.

But no matter how friendly Casper got, he always got into trouble with humans.

The alive are very prejudiced against the dead. They fear us and don’t want us living around them. They want to segregate us into cemeteries. Casper wasn’t having any of that shit. He’d walk right into the places the living hung out at and demanded to be treated as an equal.  That’s when the living starting calling him an uppity ghost.

Deeply hurt by his rejection by the living community, Casper turned to alcohol to ease the pain.

“Yeah he was a regular in my bar” said a local tavern owner.

He’d come in and sit by the jukebox and put some songs on. He would always play “Don’t worry Kyoko Mummy’s Only Looking for her Hand in the Snow.”  He loved that tune. Look I don’t care what type of music a ghost likes. I don’t even mind his kind in my bar as long as they know their place and are respectful of the living. But Yoko? The other customers would leave and go across the street to the Red Sox bar. I got a business to run!

Lonely and in the throes of his addictions Casper sought out physical companionship anywhere he could find it only to be rejected for his lack of genitalia.

“I know he was self-conscious about that” said one of his few living friends.

One time late at night he appeared hovering at the edge of my bed. I could tell he’d been drinking. He kept pointing to his midsection and saying “I got nuttin’!’ Nuttin’ down there!  I can’t even rub up against anything. I’m neutered!” And that’s when he vomited all over my bed.  Let me tell you if you thought living vomit was disgusting try cleaning up dead vomit. I had to throw those sheets out and fumigate the room.

It wasn’t until Casper hit rock bottom and was arrested for trying to hump a lamp post that he realized how low he had sunk and decided to enter rehab.

“I have let down my family.  I have let down the children who look up to me. I ask for privacy in this difficult time as I deal with my addiction”  he said in a statement on his Facebook page.

Casper is expected to be in rehab 30 to 60 days.

(332)

2 Comments
Filed in The dark side of popular culture
  Posted by
29 Sep 15

John Boehner to Star in The Crying Game, Part II

I cry!

I cry!

Newly-resigned speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) has been chosen to play the lead in a sequel to the Crying Game.

“Hollywood is sequel happy right now” said a producer involved with the project.

So when we green-lighted this project the most important part for everyone was getting the casting right. We first thought of Caitlyn Jenner obviously. She’s a very hot prospect in Hollywood right now. I haven’t seen this town so excited about a transsexual since Jan Michael Vincent. But as I said, Caitlyn is very hot.  Too hot for our budget. 

After a long and exhaustive search for a lead it was decided that Boehner would be perfect for the part.

Has anyone in the public eye cried more than him?  I mean anyone who isn’t on the Maury Povitch show and just found out that he isn’t the father? And Boehner now has time on his hands.  So we contacted him. His price was within our budget so we signed him up immediately.

The one problem?  Boehner has no balls.

Obviously that will raise productions costs a little.  CGI technology isn’t cheap. But we are sticking with Boehner. Even green screening in his balls is still cheaper than paying Caitlyn.  Besides no one believes Caitlyn is a woman.  Her voice is too manly. Boehner doesn’t have that problem.

After signing a contract Boehner was brought in for a screen test.

The first thing we asked him to do was lower his pants. And he started crying.

He's a natural!

He’s a natural!

Right there in the screen test.  This guy is a natural! He was blobbering and crying. I mean we couldn’t get him to stop.  So obviously we’ll have plenty of footage to use. No problem there.  We then asked him if he’s have any objections to kissing a man on screen.  He didn’t even break a sweat. He just kept crying

Kiss me Harry!

Kiss me Harry!

while uttering the words “Harry Reid” over and over. I tell you, if this guy doesn’t win an Oscar that’s an injustice!

Executives who have seen Boehner’s screen test say that they haven’t seen such unaffected and natural crying since Tammy Faye Baker.

In fact if Tammy weren’t dead she’d have probably gotten the role. We thought about bringing her back from the dead but that would cost more than Caitlyn.

When informed that he had gotten the role, an emotional Boehner cried.

“You like me. You really like me!”

Production on the Crying Game, Part II is set to begin in January with a release date of Spring 2017.

(301)

2 Comments
Filed in Politics
  Posted by
28 Sep 15

Captain Picard Experiences Issues Accessing Star Fleet WiFi!

Accept certificate? What the f*ck does that mean?

Accept certificate? What the f*ck does that mean?

Captain Jean Luc Picard of the Star Ship Enterprise, pride of Star fleet, is experiencing issues connecting to the WiFi in his ready room.

The problems for Picard began when Star Fleet upgraded the WiFi on all their Starships.  What follows is the transcript of the phone call, captured via Star Fleet’s new Cisco Finesse software program.

SFHD: Star Fleet Help Desk, James speaking. How may I help you?

CJLP: Yeah this is Captain Jean Luc Picard of the Enterprise.  

SFHD: Good afternoon Jean Luc what seems to be your issue?

CJLP: Well for starters you can call me Captain Picard. What’s your rank?

SFHD: Actually I’m a civilian contractor.

CJLP: [Under his breath] Figures.  F*cking civilians.

SFHD: I’m sorry I didn’t catch that.

CJLP: Nothing.  Listen I can’t seem to access the WiFi in my ready room.

SFHD: I apologize sir. Let’s see if we can fix this. When was the last time you were able to access the WiFi?

CJLP:  Last week before Star Fleet upgraded the wireless.

SFHD: What is the error message you are getting?

CJLP:  I’m not getting an error message it just times out and doesn’t connect.

SFHD: Okay you might be trying to connect to the old wireless network.  That has been discontinued. What sort of device do you have?

CJLP: It’s my laptop.

SFHD: Star fleet issued or personal?

CJLP: What f*king difference does that make?

SFHD: Sir Star Fleet issued devices and personal devices connect to different WiFi networks.

CJLP: That makes no sense.

SFHD: It’s for security reasons.  Now is this your own device?

CJLP: No it’s Star Fleet issued.

SFHD: Then you need to connect to StarFleet_Corp.

CJLP: Okay now it’s asking for me to accept a certificate.  Accept a certificate? What the f*ck does that mean? 

SFHD: You have to download a certificate onto your laptop to connect.

CJLP: Goddamn it. Why can’t I just connect? It was so much simpler before you guys upgraded the system.

SFHD: Sir if you accept the certificate you’ll be able to connect.

CJLP: Okay I’ve downloaded the certificate and I’ve connected.  But I can’t access the internet!

SFHD: All sites or just one in particular.

CJLP: One in particular.

SFHD: Which one?

CJLP:  [Sheepishly] Green Women who Love Star Fleet Officers. 

This web site has been blocked by Star Fleet

This web site has been blocked by Star Fleet

SFHD: Yes that site has been blocked for security reasons.

CJLP:  I want access to that site!  Make it so!

SFHD:  But I can’t sir.

CJLP: Why not?  Listen monkey boy. I’m Jean Luc F*cking Picard, Captain of this ship.  I don’t have time for your Help Desk bullshit.  Just get me access.

SFHD: Sir I’m sorry but as I said that site has been blocked by Star Fleet security. 

CJLP: Oh  f*ck it.  I’m going down to medical and getting a hand job from Dr. Crusher. F*cking Star Fleet and their f*cking security. Goodbye 

SFHD: Before you go sir may I get your official Star Fleet ID?  I have to log this call.

CLJP: F*ck off. [Hangs up]

SFHD: Thank you for calling the Help Desk.

As you can see, even in the future Help Desk Technicians will be a necessity.

(436)

0 Comments
Filed in The dark side of popular culture
  Posted by
25 Sep 15

Brian Williams Makes Triumphant Return to Television!

Not the most trusted name in news

Not the most trusted name in news

Disgraced  former nightly news anchor Brian Williams, pictured here,

Brian Williams returns to the MSNBC studios

Brian Williams returns to the MSNBC studios

made a triumphant return to television, anchoring the afternoon breaking news on NBC’s sister network, MSNBC.

As his helicopter took flak from FOX news snipers located on building roofs along Sixth avenue, a ladder was lowered, and Williams, his bulging, glistening biceps exposed because of his shirtlessness, emerged onto the street.

“My mission is to go into FOX studios and release our prisoners” he said.

Williams then entered FOX news headquarters and began his stealth mission.

In constant contact with his superiors who had ordered the mission Williams asked for orders.

“Now if there’s any of our men in MSNBC studios you confirm their presence by taking photographs” Said MSNBC president Phil Griffin.

Shocked because he thought he was going to rescue hostages, Williams asked for clarification.

“Photographs?  I’m supposed to leave them here?”

“Under no circumstances are you to engage the enemy!” said Griffin. “Brian I want you to try and forget the war. Remember the mission. The old MSNBC’s dead.”

“Sir” replied Williams. “I’m alive, it’s still alive. Do we get to win this time?”

Incredulous, but still a loyal soldier, Williams entered Fox headquarters to photograph MSNBC prisoners.

It was then that Williams was captured by Fox security guards and brought to a cell in the basement where he was tied up and tortured.

The evil Fox guard sneered at the brave Williams.

“You may scream. There is no shame” he said while laughing at his prisoner.

I see you are no stranger to pain. Perhaps you have been among my Fox comrades before? What you must understand is that we have to interrogate you. To me, you are a comrade, similar to myself, just opposed by an act of fate. I know you are trying to facilitate the release of MSNBC war criminals held by Fox. I can appreciate this. But this incident, your capture is… embarrassing. We must have an explanation. First of all, I wish you to radio your headquarters and say that you have been captured and condemned for espionage activities, and that no such criminal aggression should be attempted in the future or they will meet with the same fate as yours.

“Fuck you” replied Williams.

It was then that Williams overpowered his guard, grabbed his automatic weapon and freed the MSNBC prisoners, taking them across Sixth avenue to MSNBC studios.

Expecting a hero’s welcome he was dismayed by his superior’s reaction.

“What are you doing? Do you know what the hell you’ve done?” screamed Griffin.

Why didn’t you follow orders?  If you had gone in and done what the hell you was supposed to do, we’d be out of this clean and simple. You was just supposed to take pictures! Now the entire world knows the Fox still has prisoners.  The war is over Williams!  The war is over!

Throwing his cigarette on the floor, Williams contemptuously sneered at Griffin.

“To survive a war, you gotta become war.”

Fox News denies having any hostages and says the raid was a hoax.

(202)

5 Comments
Filed in The dark side of popular culture
  Posted by
24 Sep 15

Popemobile Ticketed by NYPD!

All I have are Euros I hope the NYPD takes those

All I have are Euros I hope the NYPD takes those

In the latest embarrassment for the financially strapped Vatican, the Popemobile was ticketed by the NYPD during Pope Francis’ visit to New York City.

As part of his visit the Pope was scheduled to give a mass at St. Patrick’s Cathedral on Fifth Avenue.  The Popemobile was parked at the corner of 50th and Fifth and was ticketed by NYPD officers during the mass.

“You know the Pope’s in town” said the officer responsible for ticketing the Popemobile.

There’s extra security. No one is allowed around St. Patrick’s without a special pass. The streets are shut down. We have helicopters flying overhead. I mean I don’t care. It’s overtime for me.  Capish? But I’m walking my beat and I see this car.  I dunno I thought it was a Prius. My lieutenant said “That’s the Pope’s car!”  Look it doesn’t matter to me what a man drives you understand as long as he obeys the rules. But it’s a crappy car.  So I gave him two tickets.  One for parking in a no parking zone and the other for having the wheels of his Popemobile more the 12 inches from the curb.  I got to make my quota you know. 

As Pope Francis emerged onto Fifth Avenue after the mass and approached the Popemobile he noticed the tickets on his windshield. As he examined the tickets the Pope was heard to exclaim, “Hijo de puta!” which roughly translates as “Gosh darn!”

The Pope then walked to the 17th Precinct on 51st street in an attempt to pay the fine. When told how much the fines cost the embarrassed Pope

I knew I should have visited the currency exchange at the airport!

I knew I should have visited the currency exchange at the airport!

emptied his pockets.

“You know I kind of felt sorry for him” said the precinct’s sergeant.

All he had in his pockets were some Euros, a St. Christopher medallion, an Argentinian passport and a coupon for half off on any order over ten dollars at Papa John’s.  He seemed genuinely contrite.  “I didn’t know I couldn’t park there” he kept saying. I told him that this is New York. Capish?  If the sign says don’t park then don’t park.  Shame if something were to happen to the Popemobile and it ended up in the East River.

Without money to pay the fines the Pope then started calling acquaintances in the City. He was finally able to reach the Argentinian ambassador and waited in the lobby

I had better get a f*cking receipt!

I had better get a f*cking receipt!

for him to arrive with the money.

Once the ambassador arrived the Pope paid his fine and blessed the officers before leaving.

Within minutes Pope Francis was back at the Popemobile, which was now covered in graffiti and had a parking boot on it.

“¿Qué carajo?” he muttered, which roughly translates as “Whoops.”

(367)

3 Comments
Filed in General insanity
  Posted by
23 Sep 15

Sermon on the Mount Shut Down for Want of Permits

So much environmental destruction in one photo!

So much environmental destruction in one photo!

A flash mob started by controversial itinerant Puerto Rican preacher Jesus (pronounced Hey-Zeus) was shut down by government authorities today when it was discovered that he had failed to apply for the proper permits.

Sources report that Jesus had just finished saying “Blessed are the poor in spirit for they shall inherit the Earth” when SWAT teams from the Roman Department of Homeland Security, swords drawn, swooped in and arrested him.

“While the Roman government appreciates Jesus’ message of social justice and redistribution of wealth we cannot tolerate flash mobs such as this” said Homeland Security Secretary Jehius Johnsonius.

Our department is charged with the security of the Roman Empire. I don’t have to tell you that we live in dangerous times. Those who don’t share our values are threatening our borders every day. These hostile tribes thrive on the confusion and low morale caused by street preachers such as Jesus.

Jesus was then transported by a Roman legion to headquarters at the port city of Caesarea under heavy guard to await trial. He has been charged with 25 count of unlawful gathering without a permit under Department of Homeland Security statutes passed by the Roman senate after the last German uprising.

We take the security of Roman citizens very seriously. We must be proactive to remove all threats. I have read a scroll of Jesus’ speech and there are several sections that can only be described as a threat to the state. All that stuff about entering at the narrow gate, is Jesus giving our enemies instructions on how to enter our empire? Jesus will remain in prison along with his followers where he will no longer be a threat.

Homeland security was also forced to act after one of the loaves distributed by Jesus was eaten into the shape of a sword.

We have a strict zero tolerance policy towards incidents such as these. Do you know the panic one loaf of bread in that shape can cause?  And it sets a bad example. Other people might decide to eat their loaves into the shape of swords. Like I said, the government finds some of Jesus’ message agreeable.  Social justice, redistribution of wealth, tolerance for gays but if his followers are going to be so violent as to eat bread into shapes of swords then he must be silenced!

The Roman Department of Homeland Security is not the only government agency Jesus has run afoul of.  The Roman Department of Environmental Protection has also charged Jesus with destruction of wetlands.

“This sermon was in a protected wetland area” said EPA administrator Ginanius McCarthius.

As such this are falls under our jurisdiction. Our environment is our most sacred resource and this Jesus fellow destroyed this wetland. He let his followers trample on the grass! The grass that is here today and gone tomorrow! This cannot be tolerated.

The Roman Environmental Protection Agency has announced that Jesus will be fined 10,000 denarius a day until he restores the wetland to its previous condition.

As for Jesus he vows to fight on.

“You know who’s not blessed?  The government, that’s who!’

(283)

3 Comments
Filed in Politics
  Posted by

« Older Posts

Newer Posts »

Manhattan Infidel is powered by WordPress using theme Tribune