What Neil Armstrong Could Have Said on the Moon

I can't breathe in this thing!

I can’t breathe in this thing!

As everyone knows when the late Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon for the first time he said “That’s one small step for  man, one giant leap for mankind.”  But did you know that that wasn’t the first phrase Armstrong came up with?

Being a bit of a history buff I was able to compile a list of phrases that came close to being the first things said on the moon. It’s history!

  • That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for my bladder!

Armstrong was quite nervous and thought the moon landing might not succeed.

  • That’s one small step for man, thanks to my rugged yet comfortable boots!

Being a government employee Armstrong wasn’t making a log of money so he sought endorsement deals where he could.

  • That’s one small step for man. And now it’s time to relax with a cool, menthol-flavored cigarette!

Apparently another endorsement deal denied by NASA.

  • Houston we have a problem. Aldrin’s (Buzz Aldrin, his fellow Apollo 11 astronaut) is touching me!

Armstrong thought Aldrin was an asshole and didn’t mind if the world knew.

  • What’s that over there?  It’s moving towards me…….aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!!!!!

Life on the  moon?  A distinct possibility.

  • So, are you into it?

Armstrong was a Navy man and saw the moon as another port and an opportunity to score

  • No really, are you into it?  Why don’t you come into the lunar module and let me show it to you

Like I said, Navy man.

  • How do you feel about anal?

Um, Navy.

  • I like to be spanked

Navy again.

  • Go on, touch it.  Touch it!

You know.  I won’t say it.

  • Did I ever tell you about the time me and Chuck Yeager banged six Japanese girls at once?


  • Landing on the moon really makes me horny.  Oh god here it comes!

Now that’s just gross.

  • Why don’t we do it in the road? No one will be watching us.  Why don’t we do it in the road?

Armstrong was a Beatles fan.  Or, Navy again.

  • Drums beating, cold English blood runs hot Lady of the house wonderin’ where it’s gonna stop House boy knows that he’s doing alright You shoulda heard him just around midnight Brown sugar how come you taste so good, now? Brown sugar just like a young girl should, now

Armstrong was also a fan of the Rolling Stones.  Or he was really into interracial sex.

  • My parents treat me rough With all their marijuana, they won’t give me a puff They didn’t wanna have me but somehow I was had Leapin’ lizards, that’s why I’m so bad

Armstrong was also a fan of musical theater.

  • And when I get that feeling I want sexual healing Sexual healing, oh baby Makes me feel so fine


  • My herpes is in remission

Too much sexual healing apparently.

And so readers, I’m sure we are all glad that Armstrong stuck to his now the now classic phrase when landing on the moon. And to those who feel I have defamed a great American all I can say is touch it. Come on, just touch it.


One Response

  1. petermc3 says:

    Moon pie anyone?

Leave a Reply

Using Gravatars in the comments - get your own and be recognized!

XHTML: These are some of the tags you can use: <a href=""> <b> <blockquote> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>