Mr. Peanut is recovering in a hospital and thanks his fans for their support

In a shocking turn of events advertising mascot Mr. Peanut was attacked and violated over the weekend.

Around 10 pm on Saturday night Mr. Peanut, dressed in his trademark top hat, monocle and cane visited a popular gay bar and ordered a few drinks.

Around midnight he was seen talking to a group dressed as bikers. The group left together. What happened next is still in dispute but Mr. Peanut was discovered by a jogger early Sunday morning bound, gagged and suffering from multiple bruises.

“At first I thought someone had dropped some snacks. But as I got closer I realized it was a living peanut” said the jogger.

An ambulance was called and a disoriented Mr. Peanut was taken to a local hospital.

“It appears Mr. Peanut was the victim of his lust” said the detective in charge of the case.

He visited a well-known gay bar in search of boys in leather. He found some boys and invited them back to his place. Once they left together and entered Mr. Peanut’s car a dispute erupted over fees to be paid to Mr. Peanut’s new companions. Mr.Peanut was surprised to find that they wanted money for any sexual acts that might have been performed. When Mr. Peanut refused to pay they overpowered him, drove to a deserted location, stripped him of his monocle, top hat and cane and took his wallet. He was then beaten unconscious.

Planters Peanut Company, the employers of Mr. Peanut have released the following statement:

Planters has had a long association with Mr. Peanut and we are thoughts and prayers are with him in this difficult time.  We wish him a speedy recovery and look forward to working with him in the future. However until all the facts are in we are suspending Mr.Peanut from any further peanut-related duties.

Now out of a job Mr. Peanut is trying to salvage his reputation.  From his hospital bed Mr. Peanut denied the allegations against him.

I had gone out for a few drinks and met some local boys.  I like meeting young boys and helping them if they are financially disadvantaged. All I wanted to do was bring these young victims of poverty back to my place and give them hope. I am not a homosexual. I did not ask them for sexual favors. I have no idea why they turned on me.  Perhaps they are victims of cruel poverty. I feel sorry for these young men. I do not want to press charges. I’d like to see these young men again, perhaps at my place or a hotel, where we can discuss further how to release them from the grips of poverty.

A doctor treating Mr. Peanut says he will remain in the hospital for about a week.

His um, backside, was pretty badly pulverized in the attack. It’s like nothing I’ve ever seen before. I’m going to write a paper on it. But anyway we had to give him anti-inflammatories and its going to take a couple days for the treatments to take effect.

********************************************************************************************

Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news

********************************************************************************************

Planters Peanut Company formally severed relations with Mr. Peanut and announced that they have hired Neil Patrick Harris as their new spokesman.

(115)

Goddamn government interfering with my business! I ought to harpoon a federal official!

Captain Ahab, commander of the Pequod has been ordered by the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service to “cease and desist” from hunting any more white whales.

“We have contacted Captain Ahab” said the Service’s director, Daniel M. Ashe.

And we have let him know that he has a responsibility to be a good steward of the planet’s resources.  Hunting white whales year round does not help the Earth. Whales are our brothers and sisters. They are our equals. Who hasn’t spotted whales from their residence on Martha’s Vineyard and been moved by the beauty of these majestic creatures. Ahab is killing these animals. This is immoral.  And more importantly he never applied for a whale hunting permit. Until we receive his application and the concomitant fee we have ordered him relieved of command and his first mate Starbuck placed in command. We also have requested that he return his artificial leg. A leg, we remind people, made from whalebone. Also illegal.

From the Pequod, Ahab has vowed to resist the Fish and Wildlife Commission.

So they want me to stop hunting white whales?  Maybe they’d be happier if I hunted whales of color? Who the hell are these bureaucrats to tell me what to do? Has any of them ever run a business? I’m a whaler on the front lines. This is how I make a living. This is how I provide for my wife and family.  Whaling is not immoral despite what these namby-pambys in Washington think. I’m a businessman. The whale oil I bring back to New England provides heat and comfort for the region. Okay, so maybe I should only hunt whales during whale hunting season instead of year round. But that’s just a technicality. And yeah perhaps getting a prosthesis made of whalebone was in bad taste but it looks great and really impresses the native women. Besides, I’m in the south Pacific. Since when did that fall under the jurisdiction of the Fish and Wildlife Service. So they can all suck it.

Adding to Ahab’s troubles is a recent run-in with Greenpeace activists who tried to board the Pequod.

“Who are these little shits” said Ahab.

I’m sitting in my quarters having dinner with my officers when we get an alarm that boats are coming up fast. Pirates I thought.  I was all set to go Tom Hanks on their ass when we realized it was Greenpeace. If I turn the fire hoses on these idiots the press will be all over me. So I let them board and unveil their “Stop hunting whales” banner. I was trying to find a way to get rid of them. So I invited them to my quarters for dinner. Being all vegetarians they were morally outraged by the meal, which was heavy in red meat. That’s when they left. Punks.

Because of Ahab’s intransigence a bill has been introduced onto the House floor calling for a permanent ban on whale hunting by all U.S. citizens.

“Screw it” said Ahab. “If that passes I’ll just start hunting congressman.”

The Fish and Wildlife Commission has given Ahab two weeks to return his whalebone leg.

(960)

You’re going to die. Horribly.

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have the honor of interviewing Hollywood actor Tim Daly.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Daly.

TD: Please, call me Tim.

MI: Alright Tim.  Let’s start by talking about your career. You’ve had a very successful career the past 30 years.

TD: That’s not what I want to talk about.

MI: Okay.  What would you – 

TD: 50 is not the new 30.  

MI: I never said it was.

TD: Did you know our immune system weakens as we age increasing our risk of diseases like pneumococcal pneumonia?

MI: Um. But I’m healthy.  Let’s talk about Wings, your show from the 1990s

TD: You’re not healthy. You’re getting older remember?

MI: Yeah thanks for reminding me.

TD:  A quarter of a million Americans over the age of 50, like you, are hospitalized every year with pneumococcal pneumonia.  Sometimes they die from it.

MI: Okay.  Let’s talk about the your current show, Madame Secretary.

TD: We are all getting older.

MI: Yeah I think we covered that.

TD: We are all going to die.  Why do you linger here when there is no hope?

MI: You’re starting to get on my nerves.

TD:You will still have to taste the bitterness of mortality.

MI: I think we’re done here.

TD: Whether by the sword or the slow decay of time you will die. Probably from pneumococcal pneumonia. Or some other horrible disease. And there will be no comfort for you. No comfort to ease the pain of your imminent death. You will come to death. And before you die you will linger on in darkness and doubt where the world will change and your long years are utterly spent. There is nothing for you here. Only death. 

MI: What the f*ck are you talking about?  I just want to talk about your career.

TD: Your body is decaying as we speak.  Are your testicles tight?

MI:  That’s a personal question!

TD:  They might be tight now.  But as you grow older they will drop. Probably a side effect of pneumococcal pneumonia.  Look for yourself.

[Tim Daly drops his pants]

TD: See.  They hang around my knees.  And so will yours one day.  Death stalks us everywhere.

MI: This interview is over.  I’m out of here.

TD:  Have yourself tested for pneumococcal pneumonia before you die!

[Terry Bradshaw enters]

If you thought pneumococcal pneumonia was bad try having the shingles virus

TB:  Mind if I talk to you about the shingles virus?

MI:  In fact I do. Shut up and get the hell out of here.

TB:  The shingles virus lives inside you. It’s painful and debilitating.

MI:  What the hell is wrong with you Hollywood types?

TB:  You’ll thank me for reminding you that you are going to die.

MI: No I won’t.  Good bye.

[Sarah McLachlan enters]

I think my dog has shingles. Or pneumococcal pneumonia.

SM:  This dog that was horribly abused will be put down unless you send money now!

MI: F*ck off!  All of you.

Tim Daly. Terry Bradshaw. Sarah McLachlan. Quite the Debby Downers.

Tim Daly really wants to talk to you about pneumococcal pneumonia. If you don’t believe me, click the link and watch the “Tim on Risk” video before he drops by and talks to you about death. Now if you excuse me I have to go get myself tested for shingles.  F*cking Hollywood.

https://www.whopneu.com/

(231)

I just want to catch the road runner

In what could have far-reaching repercussions for the mail order industry, Wile E. Coyote, resident of the American southwest is suing Acme corporation for “false and misleading advertising” that led to “pain and emotional duress.”

In papers filed with the district court Mr. Coyote claims that Acme products consistently malfunctioned and did not provide the “services promised in their mail order catalog”

As a loyal customer I demand accountability from Acme. Their mail order catalog is my lifeline. It’s how I get the tools I need in my pursuit of the damned Road Runner. Instead of catching him and achieving the peace of mind I crave I have, among other fates, usually ended up burned to a crisp or squashed flat at the bottom of a canyon. On the few occasions when the products do work as advertised there was small print that had disastrous consequences. I once bought earthquake pills from Acme but the fine print said they weren’t effective on road runners. Another time their boulder hydration mechanism ended up crushing me. In short Acme really needs to work on their documentation.

Lawyers for Acme Corporation in turn are counter suing Coyote, claiming that his lawsuit is frivolous and damages their brand name.

We at Acme pride ourselves on providing the best jet-powered roller skates, dehydrated boulders, rocket sleds and earthquake pills in America. Our products have been tested extensively in our laboratories using non-cute animals. The fault for our products not working lies with Mr. Coyote’s noncompliance with the instructions which are provided with the packaging.  Granted the print is tiny but we at Acme are cognizant of our responsibility to the environment and are trying to stop deforestation of our planet. In fact Mr. Coyote should have gotten the directions from our web site and saved paper.  Or does he not care about Mother Earth?

Mr. Coyote’s problems do not end with Acme and its compliance or noncompliance with mail order regulations.  Several animal rights groups have joined Acme’s lawsuit against him.

The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals released a statement calling Mr. Coyote a “cruel barbarian.”

Mr. Coyote hunts for a living. Not for need. He hunts defenseless road runners because he enjoys the thrill of the kill. Surely this blood lust is a thing of the past? This activity must not be tolerated anymore.  Mr. Coyote and his ilk must be shunned from polite society. Shame him on Twitter! Force him into hiding. There is no place for him in our enlightened, tolerant society.

Delta Airlines has announced that it will not allow Wile E. Coyote nor any of his roadrunner kill onto their planes.

Richard H. Anderson, Chief Executive Officer of Delta has asked competing airlines to join with him in the ban of Wile E. Coyote.

Delta is sensitive to the needs of animal lovers.  As such Wile E. Coyote is permanently banned from using Delta. Any animals hunted by Coyote will not be allowed on board. We will not transport his kill.

Undaunted by the mounting opposition, Mr. Coyote vows to continue hunting road runners.

“I love road runners. They are majestic animals.  But by hunting them I keep the population down. This helps them.”

Preliminary hearings for Coyote vs. Acme Corporation have been pushed back a month as Coyote recovers  from injuries sustained from repeated falls off a cliff.

Help me!

“Damn Acme and their fine print!’ he said from his hospital bed.

(1677)

Fly me to the moon punk or I’ll break your legs

With the centenary of Frank Sinatra’s birth fast approaching we here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ (still proudly serving gluten) have thought it best to examine one of Mr. Sinatra’s most famous songs:  “Fly Me to the Moon.”

To wit:  Are the events described in this song scientifically feasible?

The song begins with this wish:

Fly me to the moon
Let me play among the stars

Flying to the moon is expensive and would take three days at least.  And unfortunately the United States no longer has the ability to put people into space as NASA’s mission has changed to improving the self-esteem of Muslims.

As for playing among the stars this is not to be desired.  If a human were to come into contact with celestial star he would die instantly.

So to flying to the moon?  Expensive.

Playing among the stars?  Not to be desired.  Unless Sinatra meant playing among the stars in Hollywood, which is possible but almost as dangerous.

Let me see what spring is like
On a-Jupiter and Mars

Again not desirable.  Springtime temperatures on Mars will reach only 20 degrees Fahrenheit and at night plummet to minus 150 degree Fahrenheit.  In other words Mars is cold and inhospitable.  It would be like spending a winter in Scandinavia but without the annoying Scandinavians.  Also let’s not forget the hostile presence of Marvin the Martian and his Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator.

Oh this makes me angry. Very angry indeed!

It could cause a big kaboom. An Earth-shattering kaboom. Trust me. You don’t want to make Marvin the Martian angry.

Jupiter has no solid surface. Spending a spring on Jupiter would result in your immediate death. Much like spending a spring in Chicago or Detroit. Only you’d be killed by atmospheric forces and not Democrats with guns.

In other words, hold my hand
In other words, baby, kiss me

Your imminent death would probably preoccupy your thoughts and you would not be feeling very romantic. And with the cold temperatures on Mars if you did attempt to kiss your lips would stick together and then shatter.

Fill my heart with song

The heart is responsible for circulating blood throughout the body.  If it were filled with song it would circulate songs throughout the body. Again. Immediate death.

And let me sing for ever more

Eventually you’d have to stop and take care of functions the body needs to live:  Eating, sleeping, defecating.  Now while it would technically be possible to sing for ever more while eating and defecating I don’t think this would be possible while sleeping.

You are all I long for
All I worship and adore

An admirable sentiment and perhaps she might believe you.  But is she all you long for? What about food?  Shelter? Water? A 401K? Economic security? Access to high-speed internet? Porn? Because the internet without porn is just a library without a hot librarian.

In other words, please be true

Human nature is fallen and subject to original sin.  To be true is highly unlikely. More to the point get a pre-nup. Or a gun. Or both. Place the gun on top of the pre-nup as a gentle reminder that you are not to be f*cked with.

Mr Sinatra then closes the song by repeating some of the salient lyrics.

Fill my heart with song
Let me sing for ever more
You are all I long for
All I worship and adore
In other words, please be true
In other words, in other words
I love [3 piano notes] you

Having examined impartially the lyrics of Fly Me to the Moon we must conclude that Mr. Sinatra was ignorant of his subject matter and we must call him to account for spreading fallacies.

And don’t try no funny business Sinatra.  I ain’t no bandleader.

(123)