Wile E. Coyote Sues Acme Corporation

I just want to catch the road runner

I just want to catch the road runner

In what could have far-reaching repercussions for the mail order industry, Wile E. Coyote, resident of the American southwest is suing Acme corporation for “false and misleading advertising” that led to “pain and emotional duress.”

In papers filed with the district court Mr. Coyote claims that Acme products consistently malfunctioned and did not provide the “services promised in their mail order catalog”

As a loyal customer I demand accountability from Acme. Their mail order catalog is my lifeline. It’s how I get the tools I need in my pursuit of the damned Road Runner. Instead of catching him and achieving the peace of mind I crave I have, among other fates, usually ended up burned to a crisp or squashed flat at the bottom of a canyon. On the few occasions when the products do work as advertised there was small print that had disastrous consequences. I once bought earthquake pills from Acme but the fine print said they weren’t effective on road runners. Another time their boulder hydration mechanism ended up crushing me. In short Acme really needs to work on their documentation.

Lawyers for Acme Corporation in turn are counter suing Coyote, claiming that his lawsuit is frivolous and damages their brand name.

We at Acme pride ourselves on providing the best jet-powered roller skates, dehydrated boulders, rocket sleds and earthquake pills in America. Our products have been tested extensively in our laboratories using non-cute animals. The fault for our products not working lies with Mr. Coyote’s noncompliance with the instructions which are provided with the packaging.  Granted the print is tiny but we at Acme are cognizant of our responsibility to the environment and are trying to stop deforestation of our planet. In fact Mr. Coyote should have gotten the directions from our web site and saved paper.  Or does he not care about Mother Earth?

Mr. Coyote’s problems do not end with Acme and its compliance or noncompliance with mail order regulations.  Several animal rights groups have joined Acme’s lawsuit against him.

The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals released a statement calling Mr. Coyote a “cruel barbarian.”

Mr. Coyote hunts for a living. Not for need. He hunts defenseless road runners because he enjoys the thrill of the kill. Surely this blood lust is a thing of the past? This activity must not be tolerated anymore.  Mr. Coyote and his ilk must be shunned from polite society. Shame him on Twitter! Force him into hiding. There is no place for him in our enlightened, tolerant society.

Delta Airlines has announced that it will not allow Wile E. Coyote nor any of his roadrunner kill onto their planes.

Richard H. Anderson, Chief Executive Officer of Delta has asked competing airlines to join with him in the ban of Wile E. Coyote.

Delta is sensitive to the needs of animal lovers.  As such Wile E. Coyote is permanently banned from using Delta. Any animals hunted by Coyote will not be allowed on board. We will not transport his kill.

Undaunted by the mounting opposition, Mr. Coyote vows to continue hunting road runners.

“I love road runners. They are majestic animals.  But by hunting them I keep the population down. This helps them.”

Preliminary hearings for Coyote vs. Acme Corporation have been pushed back a month as Coyote recovers  from injuries sustained from repeated falls off a cliff.

Help me!

Help me!

“Damn Acme and their fine print!’ he said from his hospital bed.

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