Manhattan Infidel™ Examines “Fly Me to the Moon”

Fly me to the moon  punk or I'll break your legs

Fly me to the moon punk or I’ll break your legs

With the centenary of Frank Sinatra’s birth fast approaching we here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ (still proudly serving gluten) have thought it best to examine one of Mr. Sinatra’s most famous songs:  “Fly Me to the Moon.”

To wit:  Are the events described in this song scientifically feasible?

The song begins with this wish:

Fly me to the moon
Let me play among the stars

Flying to the moon is expensive and would take three days at least.  And unfortunately the United States no longer has the ability to put people into space as NASA’s mission has changed to improving the self-esteem of Muslims.

As for playing among the stars this is not to be desired.  If a human were to come into contact with celestial star he would die instantly.

So to flying to the moon?  Expensive.

Playing among the stars?  Not to be desired.  Unless Sinatra meant playing among the stars in Hollywood, which is possible but almost as dangerous.

Let me see what spring is like
On a-Jupiter and Mars

Again not desirable.  Springtime temperatures on Mars will reach only 20 degrees Fahrenheit and at night plummet to minus 150 degree Fahrenheit.  In other words Mars is cold and inhospitable.  It would be like spending a winter in Scandinavia but without the annoying Scandinavians.  Also let’s not forget the hostile presence of Marvin the Martian and his Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator.

Oh this makes me angry.  Very angry indeed!

Oh this makes me angry. Very angry indeed!

It could cause a big kaboom. An Earth-shattering kaboom. Trust me. You don’t want to make Marvin the Martian angry.

Jupiter has no solid surface. Spending a spring on Jupiter would result in your immediate death. Much like spending a spring in Chicago or Detroit. Only you’d be killed by atmospheric forces and not Democrats with guns.

In other words, hold my hand
In other words, baby, kiss me

Your imminent death would probably preoccupy your thoughts and you would not be feeling very romantic. And with the cold temperatures on Mars if you did attempt to kiss your lips would stick together and then shatter.

Fill my heart with song

The heart is responsible for circulating blood throughout the body.  If it were filled with song it would circulate songs throughout the body. Again. Immediate death.

And let me sing for ever more

Eventually you’d have to stop and take care of functions the body needs to live:  Eating, sleeping, defecating.  Now while it would technically be possible to sing for ever more while eating and defecating I don’t think this would be possible while sleeping.

You are all I long for
All I worship and adore

An admirable sentiment and perhaps she might believe you.  But is she all you long for? What about food?  Shelter? Water? A 401K? Economic security? Access to high-speed internet? Porn? Because the internet without porn is just a library without a hot librarian.

In other words, please be true

Human nature is fallen and subject to original sin.  To be true is highly unlikely. More to the point get a pre-nup. Or a gun. Or both. Place the gun on top of the pre-nup as a gentle reminder that you are not to be f*cked with.

Mr Sinatra then closes the song by repeating some of the salient lyrics.

Fill my heart with song
Let me sing for ever more
You are all I long for
All I worship and adore
In other words, please be true
In other words, in other words
I love [3 piano notes] you

Having examined impartially the lyrics of Fly Me to the Moon we must conclude that Mr. Sinatra was ignorant of his subject matter and we must call him to account for spreading fallacies.

And don’t try no funny business Sinatra.  I ain’t no bandleader.

(98)

3 Responses

  1. LSP says:

    I enjoyed the firearms part of the narrative, especially. But what happened to Katy Perry? Isn’t she a star?!? And Hillary. She’s one too.

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