You’re going to die. Horribly.
Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have the honor of interviewing Hollywood actor Tim Daly.
MI: Good afternoon Mr. Daly.
TD: Please, call me Tim.
MI: Alright Tim. Let’s start by talking about your career. You’ve had a very successful career the past 30 years.
TD: That’s not what I want to talk about.
MI: Okay. What would you –
TD: 50 is not the new 30.
MI: I never said it was.
TD: Did you know our immune system weakens as we age increasing our risk of diseases like pneumococcal pneumonia?
MI: Um. But I’m healthy. Let’s talk about Wings, your show from the 1990s
TD: You’re not healthy. You’re getting older remember?
MI: Yeah thanks for reminding me.
TD: A quarter of a million Americans over the age of 50, like you, are hospitalized every year with pneumococcal pneumonia. Sometimes they die from it.
MI: Okay. Let’s talk about the your current show, Madame Secretary.
TD: We are all getting older.
MI: Yeah I think we covered that.
TD: We are all going to die. Why do you linger here when there is no hope?
MI: You’re starting to get on my nerves.
TD:You will still have to taste the bitterness of mortality.
MI: I think we’re done here.
TD: Whether by the sword or the slow decay of time you will die. Probably from pneumococcal pneumonia. Or some other horrible disease. And there will be no comfort for you. No comfort to ease the pain of your imminent death. You will come to death. And before you die you will linger on in darkness and doubt where the world will change and your long years are utterly spent. There is nothing for you here. Only death.
MI: What the f*ck are you talking about? I just want to talk about your career.
TD: Your body is decaying as we speak. Are your testicles tight?
MI: That’s a personal question!
TD: They might be tight now. But as you grow older they will drop. Probably a side effect of pneumococcal pneumonia. Look for yourself.
[Tim Daly drops his pants]
TD: See. They hang around my knees. And so will yours one day. Death stalks us everywhere.
MI: This interview is over. I’m out of here.
TD: Have yourself tested for pneumococcal pneumonia before you die!
[Terry Bradshaw enters]
If you thought pneumococcal pneumonia was bad try having the shingles virus
TB: Mind if I talk to you about the shingles virus?
MI: In fact I do. Shut up and get the hell out of here.
TB: The shingles virus lives inside you. It’s painful and debilitating.
MI: What the hell is wrong with you Hollywood types?
TB: You’ll thank me for reminding you that you are going to die.
MI: No I won’t. Good bye.
[Sarah McLachlan enters]
I think my dog has shingles. Or pneumococcal pneumonia.
SM: This dog that was horribly abused will be put down unless you send money now!
MI: F*ck off! All of you.
Tim Daly. Terry Bradshaw. Sarah McLachlan. Quite the Debby Downers.
Tim Daly really wants to talk to you about pneumococcal pneumonia. If you don’t believe me, click the link and watch the “Tim on Risk” video before he drops by and talks to you about death. Now if you excuse me I have to go get myself tested for shingles. F*cking Hollywood.
(227)
Nothing quite like a good Tim Daly interview to wreck the day.
Hollywood types. They are different than you and I.