Warren Wilhelm Jr. (Stage Name Bill de Blasio) Sworn in as President

Socialism today  Socialism tomorrow! Socialism forever!

Socialism today Socialism tomorrow! Socialism forever!

Living in a Democracy Republic anything is possible when the public goes to the ballot box. So it should come as no surprise when New York City mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. (stage name Bill de Blasio) was overwhelmingly elected as our nation’s president, beating out Hillary Clinton (who switched parties and ran as a Republican when she lost the Democratic nomination.)

Wilhelm Jr. becomes the first New York City politician to win higher elective office since Teddy “Does my mustache make me look gay” Roosevelt.

I take you to the live coverage of this historic occasion.

Chris Matthews: I tell you, my faith in the American people has been restored. When de Blasio stood on the steps of that school and refused to let the children of capitalists enter it sent a shiver down my leg.

Chris Hayes: Socialism is a compassionate system and it allows us to make economic progress.

Chris Matthews: That’s my line. Watch your ass.

Chris Hayes: Sorry sir.

Chris Matthews: I can still hear his campaign slogan ringing in my ears: “Socialism today!  Socialism tomorrow!  Socialism forever!” Oh god there goes my leg again. It’s tingling. It’s tingling!

Chris Hayes: Has President-elect de Blasio shown up yet?

Chris Matthews: No. He’s late. And what of it? One day son you’ll realize that time is a tool of the capitalists. Speaking of time it’s time I had some pizza. Where’s Sharpton?

[Sharpton enters carrying pizza]

Al Sharpton: I have your pizza Mr. Matthews.  Aren’t you pleased with me for bringing it?  I had to resist we much the crowd to get it to you.

Chris Matthews: What the hell? I told you I wanted pineapple on my pizza! Where’s the pineapple?

Al Sharpton:I’m sorry Mr. Matthews.  Please don’t beat me!

Chris Matthews: You’re demoted. You’re now a field reporter not a house reporter. Get out of here!

[Sharpton leaves]

Chris Hayes: I believe that’s de Blasio’s limo now. He’s driving pretty fast.

Chris Matthews: That symbolizes the speed that he will fundamentally transform America.

Chris Hayes: But he’s driving really fast.  I mean dangerously fast.

Chris Matthews: Any sacrifice is necessary to bring about the socialist worker’s paradise.

Chris Hayes: Oh my god he just ran over Bernie Sanders!  Bernie’s internal organs are splattered all over the place.

Chris  Matthews: Isn’t that a perfect metaphor for socialism? Bernie Sanders has graciously agreed to redistribute his internal organs for the greater good.

Chris Hayes: You do know you’re insane?

Chris Matthews: Yes, but compassionate. Well that’s about all of our coverage. We now return you to MSNBC’s regularly scheduled program:  “Breaking News with Brian Williams.”  Take it away Brian.

Brian Williams: I’m Brian Williams and this just  in.  There is no breaking news. I’m blind stinking drunk and I’ve just sent a selfie of my penis to everyone on my contact list.  Suck it NBC!

We’re in good hands America.


2 Responses

  1. petermc3 says:

    My leg is tingling knowing the first lady is a pygmy. School lunch should really get interesting now.

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