Lindsay Lohan Sworn in as President

This woman will blow Putin into submission!

This woman will blow Putin into submission!

On the heels of Kanye West’s announcement that he will run for President in 2020 came the news that another Hollywood superstar, Lindsay Lohan, has tossed her hat into the ring.

And so I now present the latest in my award-winning would you like to touch it series, 2017 Inaugural addresses.

I now take you to MSNBC’s live coverage of the historic inauguration of our first female President.

Chris Matthews: I am excited to be here.  I never thought I’d see the day when racist, homophobic, sexist America would elect a female president.

Chris Hayes: Indeed.  Our country, divided by right wing teabaggers, has elected a female President!

Chris Matthews: Didn’t I just say that?

Chris Hayes: I was just seconding your point.

Chris Matthews: You bore me. Begone!

[Chris Hayes leaves and is replaced by Al Sharpton]

Cbris Matthews: Here comes the limo now and our first glimpse of President-elect Lohan. She appears to be having some difficulty getting out of the car. What is that I’m seeing?

Al Sharpton: Looks like a white girl’s vagina.

Chris Matthews: Indeed. She must have forgotten to wear panties and the entire grandstand can see her hoo-ha.

Al Sharpton: Resist we vagina much!

Chris Matthews: Speak for yourself pizza boy.  I think it’s a brilliant display of bi-partisanship to show her hoo-ha to Republicans and Democrats.  Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.  But that’s what Democrats do. Reach out across the aisle. Where’s my pizza?

Al Sharpton: Umm.

Chris Matthews: Leave.  And don’t come back until you have my pizza!

[Al Sharpton leaves]

Chris Matthews: The President-elect is about to take the oath. But she has fallen. Yes, President-elect Lohan has fallen down.

Bipartisanship falling

Bipartisanship falling

With me to discuss this is my co-MNSBC on-air personality Ed Schultz.  Do you have any comment on the President-elect’s falling down?

Ed Schultz: Actually I don’t work for MSNBC anymore. My show was cancelled.

Chris Matthews: Then why am I speaking to you?  Goodbye.

[Ed Schultz leaves]

Chris Matthews: I am impressed. The way President-elect Lohan fell down. And she’s letting Republicans and Democrats help her back up.  This is the spirit of America at work! Joining me to talk about this historic event is another MSNBC on-air personality.  Ronan Farrow. Good day to you Ronan.

Ronan Farrow: Thank you Chris.  It’s great to be here. And I must say I’m as impressed by President-elect Lohan as you are.

Chris Matthews: What’s she doing now?

Ronan Farrow: It looks like she’s vomiting.

Chris Matthews: On Republicans and Democrats?

Ronan Farrow: I can’t see from here but it wouldn’t surprise me. She is the President-elect that will heal our fractured nation.

Chris Matthews: That’s my line monkey boy.

Ronan Farrow: But –

Chris Matthews: I don’t care if you are Frank Sinatra’s illegitimate son.  Get out here!

[Ronan Farrow leaves]

Chris Matthews: I’m Chris Matthews concluding our historic coverage of the inauguration of Lindsay Lohan.  Where the hell is my pizza?

[Al Sharpton arrives with pizza]

Chris Matthews: It’s about time.  Where the hell is the pineapple? I told you I wanted pineapple on my pizza!

Al Sharpton: Resist we pineapple much.

Chris Matthews: Get out of here. And don’t come back until you have my pineapple topping!  I’m Chris Matthews saying goodbye from Washington D.C. Pineapple! You better come back with pineapple or it’s your ass!

You know sometimes I fear that the Republic is dying. But then I remind myself that it’s already dead.


5 Responses

  1. innominatus says:

    WAAYYYY off topic, but thought you might like this:

    The OSU Beavers are honoring their 2005 Baseball team into their hall of fame. I just finished the order for the awards. One of them will be going to Jacoby Ellsbury. So something *I* made is going to end up in a Yankee’s house!

    • Manhattan Infidel says:

      Jacoby “useless after June” Ellsbury?

      And we all have to root for Kansas City to defeat the ‘effing Mets.

  2. LSP says:

    Look, sometimes LiLo gets messy. But she’s the President, don’t be such a hater.

  3. Bob Agard says:

    Thank you for this very uplifting and inspiring report. There is hope for our future!

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