But I’m killing all the enemies of the Queen!

James Bond, Commander in the Royal Navy currently working for MI6 has received a negative performance evaluation from MI6’s Human Resources division, threatening to end his once promising career.

“No one was more surprised than I was” said Bond after the evaluation.

This came out of nowhere.  Though in retrospect I should have suspected something when  M brought me into his office for my evaluation and an HR representative was there. He handed me a sheet and said “You have to sign this. There have been complaints.”

In keeping with the government’s new “gentler” tone, all MI6 agents have been advised to continue to kill the Queen’s enemies whenever possible, but to do it in a way that will not offend anyone’s feelings.

“I told Mr. Bond that while no one was questioning his patriotism or his devotion to duty that times had changed and he risked angering our enemies” said the HR representative who attended the meeting.

I then handed him a list of incidents that have happened in the past year that we believe reflect poorly on MI6.  Specifically on one occasion he threw an enemy agent off a roof after the agent had confessed. Mr. Bond was informed that such actions reveal deep-seated anger and that the Russians and Chinese have mentioned him and told us that they found his actions personally hurtful. I told him that the Russians and the Chinese were fellow professionals and that we didn’t want to offend them if at all possible.

It was at this point that Bond called the HR rep a “piece of shit.”

It’s bad enough I’m only making a civil servant’s salary while putting my life on the line for the queen but then to have some pencil pusher talk to me about my tone? Well tone this! It’s a dangerous world out there. People want to harm our country. They are called enemies. That’s right.  Enemies! And to pretend otherwise is ridiculous.

After Bond’s outburst HR again reminded him that his tone needed to be worked on.  Bond was then asked what he had done in the past year project-wise around the office.

Every agent is asked to do something whether it’s be in charge of loaner MI6 laptops or organize inventory. Bond apparently did nothing.  The records show that he was out in the field for 321 days the past calendar year.   I informed Bond that he has to take his responsibilities seriously.  We in HR depend on performance evaluations and projects around the office when determining whether to grant raises.

Bond became further agitated when the subject of his potential raise was brought up.

Do you know how many of the Queen’s enemies I have killed this year?  For god’s sake what more do I have to do to get a positive evaluation?

Bond was then informed that Great Britain depends on the United Nations to keep them safe and that MI6’s role will be transitioning into climate change prevention.

“I asked Bond if he had any objections to going to China and speaking out against the use of coal” said the HR representative.

He just started laughing. I mean really laughing. Then he threw up his hand and said “I f*cking give up.  I give up!”  I then asked him if he had any projects in mind. He said no so I gave him one. Bond is now in charge of signing in and out the loaner field laptops. It’ll be good for him and teach him responsibility.

As the meeting ended an apologetic M told Bond that he too was under HR’s microscope and that they had to watch what they said and hope for a change in management.

Bond then sat at Moneypenny’s former desk (Moneypenny being promoted to Senior Administrative Assistant and given her own office) and got to work writing down serial numbers of laptops.

“I can’t get fired. I have to pay my rent. This f*cking sucks! Oh I’m sorry.  Was my tone not friendly enough?”

Bond has been given three months to improve his tone or face possible termination.

(50)

Fire bad!

After repeated complaints about his job performance, Frankenstein was dismissed today from his job with the fire department.

“We really had no choice” said the Department’s head of human resources.

His job performance was not satisfactory. He had an attitude problem and his coworkers found it difficult to work with him. Look we gave him every chance. The fire department is committed to diversity in its hiring practices and being made from spare parts and reanimated in a laboratory does make him a minority.  Not Hispanic or Latino, granted, but a minority nevertheless.

Frankenstein first came under HR’s radar when fellow firemen complained that he was not doing his job.

“On our first call together we let him drive the fire truck” said one.

It’s something we let all the newbies do.  It’s a right of passage. How was I to know he didn’t have a license? He drove through some red lights and hit a school bus filled with children. He didn’t even stop.  “School bus bad!  Children bad!” he said. Luckily we were able to confiscate security footage and pay off some families or we all would have been in some deep shit.

One fire lieutenant complained of Frankenstein’s cowardice.

Being a fireman isn’t easy.  It requires a certain amount of bravery. You either have it or you don’t.  Frankie didn’t. We get to this fire and I tell him to grab some gear and run into the burning building.  Instead he screams “Fire bad!’ and throws down his equipment and runs back to the truck. We lost two men that day. 

Feelings against Frankenstein in the department were pretty high after that incident but under orders from management the firehouse decided to take Frankenstein under their wings.

“Everybody deserves a second chance” said a fireman from his hook and ladder company.

So we took him to a bar. We figured all he needed was to get laid and there were always plenty of women at this place. It was notorious for firemen groupies. I noticed he had his eye on one girl. Not my type but to each his own. 

She hate me!

 So I introduced them. Well he must have come on too strong.  I don’t know. Perhaps he showed her a dick photo on his phone. She starts screaming. He gets up and says “She hate me. Like others”  Then he ordered everyone out of the bar except for her and he sets the joint on fire. I’ve heard of taking rejection hard but come on!

Faced with a string of embarrassing incidents the Department was left with no choice but to let Frankenstein go.

“I called him into my office” said the HR administrator.

And I basically told him that while we appreciate his being a trailblazer, being the first of his kind to be a fireman, that it just wasn’t working out. I told him he’d be getting four weeks severance and I shook his hand and wished him well. Keep it short when giving bad news.  That’s my philosophy. I blame myself for hiring him. He was a help desk technician before he joined the Department so he was used to being yelled at and blamed for shit that’s not his fault.  That explains the chip on his shoulder.

As for Frankenstein he is not worried.

Let me see your ID!

“I’ve already been hired to do private security at corporate events and stuff like that. It’s an easy gig.  All I do is ask for IDs and steal some of the food.”

(41)

Lubricate me! More lube!

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing a long-time resident of the forest of Oz, the Tin Man himself.

MI: Good day to you Mr. Tin Man.

TM: Yeah, whatever.

MI: Okay, you seem just a little bitter.

TM: You think? You f*cking think? What gave that away asshole.

MI: Wow. Okay.  So tell me, what’s your story?  Why the tin suit?

TM: I was originally human.  Human limbs, human heart, human penis –

MI: So you had full reproductive abilities?

TM: Don’t interrupt me blogger boy.

MI: Sorry.  So what happened?

TM: One day I was out chopping down trees because that’s what I do.  My name is Nick Chopper and I cut down trees for a living.  Anyway I was minding my own business when a bunch of environmental freaks attacked me and cut off all my limbs. I still remember them laughing and saying “You’ll never harm another tree again you capitalist tool!”

MI: That’s brutal. How did you survive?

TM: Well thanks to Obamacare I have excellent insurance.

MI: Really?

TM: Okay so I lied.  Anyway when I didn’t come back from lunch my boss came looking for me.  He found me barely alive, just a bloody stump. He took me to the doctors employed by the lumber company and they said they had the technology to rebuild me and make me better. So I’m thinking six million dollar man.  Instead I wake up like this.  A rusted tin man.

MI: Wow. Tough break.

TM: You know what hurts the worst? A while back some girl named Dorothy  came around. And she was smoking hot.

The Tin Man could have had this!

She could have been the best piece of ass I ever had. And I’ve had them all over Oz.  But I couldn’t do anything.  Oh she was interested.  She asked me if my penis was made of tin and and hard too. I had to tell her I didn’t have a penis. They ran out of money before they could attach one. So she taunted me by having sex with a lion and a straw man in front of me.

MI: That had to suck.

TM: It is what it is.  You adapt.  There are other ways of achieving sexual satisfaction.

MI: Such as?

TM: Do you see that can of oil by my feet?  

MI: Yes.

TM:  Can you pick it up and lubricate me?

MI: Um okay. Where do you want – 

TM: Insert the can into my backside and pump me full of lube.

MI: Yeah I’m, I’m not really comfortable doing this.

TM: Shut up and lubricate me!  LUBE ME!

MI: I think I’m just going to go now.

TM: Wait, come back. You haven’t finished lubing me.

MI: Bye.

TM: Well alright if you must go you must go.  But if you see Dorothy tell her she missed out on some hot Tin action!

Well that was strange.  I  never knew the forests of Oz could be so dangerous.

(123)

We at the NFL are serious about misconduct. No, really.

With the release of pictures of the physical bruising to Greg Hardy’s ex-girlfriend, an embarrassed NFL has decided to institute, effective immediately, a strict personal conduct policy.

“While the majority, okay, a sizable minority, okay, a minuscule minority of our players are law abiding we can no longer stand by and pretend that a few, okay, a lot, okay, most NFL players don’t commit heinous crimes” said Commissioner Roger Goodell.

I was horrified by the pictures of Hardy’s ex-girlfriend just as I was horrified by the photos of the chick who got clocked in the elevator last year.  Because of my horrification, yeah that’s a word, look it up bitches, because of my horrification at events like this by the power invested in me as NFL commissioner I am instituting a strict new personal conduct policy.  This policy is the toughest in professional sports, even tougher than Curling. This new policy is strict, yet compassionate.  Strict in that players that violate it risk a lifetime ban. Compassionate in that the policy will only take effect after three felonies. You see I’m also a realist. The majority of our players are African Americans and being weak and helpless victims of the white man they carry around lots of rage.  As such they will have two changes to reform. But after your third felony you’re out. No negotiations. Lifetime ban and by lifetime ban I mean you could get a job on one of the NFL pregame shows but you won’t be able to play anymore.

Reaction to the draconian, but compassionate, policy was swift.

Gloria Steinem praised the new policy while regretting that it doesn’t go far enough.

“Football is three hours of rape every Sunday” she said.

While I applaud Goodell’s trying to do something about the rape and murder epidemic in the NFL I fear this is only a half measure. What would make me happy is to see not only the NFL but all competitive sports banned. Or at the very least have them wear pink when they play as a reminder that breast cancer was invented by men.

Many NFL players have come out against the new policy which they feel will dampen their effectiveness on the gridiron.

“Football is a violent sport” said a five-year veteran who wishes to remain anonymous.

I use that violence in my favor. Sometimes its hard to turn it off, like the time I raped and murdered the Chinese boy who delivered my takeout. Or the time I raped and murdered the pizza delivery boy. Or the time I raped and murdered, well, I don’t know who it was but I raped and murdered them. Look all I’m saying is cut us some slack.  We’re like people who’ve been in war. Being shot at behind enemy lines and being faced with a 3rd and 25 and and all out blitz is the same thing. That’s all I’m saying. Now no more questions or I’ll rape and murder you bitch.

From his prison cell, former NFL superstar OJ Simpson criticized the new rules.

“Man there would be no way I’d be able to play in the NFL today.  These rules are too strict.”

(10)

All I wanted was a brain! I didn’t realize it was sexist!

When the Scarecrow received his new brain he envisioned a whole new life with many opportunities.   What he didn’t expect was to become a focal point of protests from local feminists.

Soon after he received his brain from the Wizard the Scarecrow started taking classes at his local community college.

“I had taken a few shop courses before I had a brain” said the Scarecrow.

I had lots of female friends. They didn’t seem to mind me. They thought my not having a brain was cute. I guess they considered me nonthreatening and asexual. Don’t know why.  I’ve always been a beast in the sack. It’s my straw penis. Women like how it tickles them. Anyway as I was saying before I had a brain no one minded my presence. Now that I have a brain everyone avoids me.  They call me “sexist’ and “rapist.”  No one talks to me anymore.

A representative for the campus feminist group “Womyn Opposed to Male Maleness” states that the Scarecrow’s new brain makes him a threat.

Before when he didn’t have a brain we tolerated his testosterone. It was annoying. But unfocused.  All his did was dance around singing “I could while away the hours/Conferrin’ with the flowers/Consultin’ with the rain/And my head, I’d be scratchin’/While my thoughts were busy hatchin’/If I only had a brain”.  It was a cute song.  Not hip hop but it had a beat. That’s all he did.  Sing that and tickle us with his straw penis. But now that he has a brain he’s a member of the rape patriarchy. We feel threatened by his manhood and his ableism.

The group has asked campus administrators to ban the Scarecrow from campus.

We won’t rest until this potential rapist is banned from campus. It’s either ban him or set up safe spaces for womyn on campus where we can flee when provoked by his rape thought.

Campus administrators have set up a meeting with the Scarecrow later in the week where he will have to answer these allegations against him. The Scarecrow for his part adamantly protests his innocence.

I am not a rapist. I don’t even know what being ableist means. But whatever it is I’m not it. I’m the same Scarecrow I was before I got this brain. Only now I’m majoring in math. Perhaps that’s why they feel threatened. Math is hard for girls. They should stick to Home Ed and blow jobs. What? Oh come on. Grow a pair!

If found guilty of patriarchy and ableism by campus administration the Scarecrow will be expelled from the University and barred from every taking classes with them again.

“College is all about openness to new ideas” said the school President.  “Unless those ideas are different. Then they become ableist.”

The Scarecrow’s friend, the Tin Man (pictured here)

Look at my midsection! Nothing! Nothing!

is one of his few defenders.

He’s a great guy who happens to have a penis, even if it is straw. Why can’t I have a penis? I got nothing down there. I’m totally emasculated. There’s nothing left for me to do but join a boy band.

The Scarecrow’s disciplinary hearing will be open to the public.

(185)