Would the Yankees start the second half with a sweep of potential wild card rivals the Detroit Tigers? Would Joba “The native american who cannot win at Yankee Stadium” Chamberlain prove his detractors wrong and finally win at home? Would the Manhattan Infidel visit the Beers of the World Court on the main level? These and other questions were all answered at today’s game.
Today was also Old Timer’s day at Yankee Stadium. I got there at 11:30 just as the ceremony commenced. I once again proved my nerd credentials by shouting out the names of the old timers before they were announced. “This Yankee was chosen first in the 1967 draft…..” – Ron Blomberg! “This Yankee pitched 11 seasons for the Yankee and won 20 games three times….” – Mel Stottlemyre. It’s a difficult responsibility being a nerd, but I accept it. Actually the most exciting thing about Old Timer’s Day is the introductions. Who cares about the game they play?
Watching the Old Timers play is a lot like watching ’70s porn. It’s slow moving and very hairy.
So I ignored the Old Timers and visited the Beers of the World Court on the main level. (As a reporter it is my job to investigate. So I investigated…..for a couple pints.)
Then the real game began. Perched on my accustomed seat in the bleachers (Section 203 row 1 seat 11) I watched the Yankees start the Native American who cannot win – Joba Chamberlain. He faced Edwin Jackson who started for Detroit.
It was a pitcher’s duel at first as both teams were scoreless until the top of the fourth when Brandon “Who?” Inge hit a home run for Detroit. 1-0 Detroit after 3 1/2. The boo birds started to come out for Joba, who hasn’t won a game in a month and who at this point had already walked 3 people. However a quick trip by Yankee manager Joe Girardi settled down Chamberlain. All Joe said was “It’s been over a hundred years since we committed a massacre of native Americans. It can happen again. Walk one more man and I give the word!”
Well, this had the desired effect and Joba settled down, striking out 8 over 6 and 2/3 innings while only giving up three hits. The Yankees tied the score in the bottom of the Fourth when one half of the T&R boys, Alex Rodriguez hit a monster shot into the Detroit bullpen. 1-1 after 4.
In the Bottom of the 6th the other half of the T&R boys, Mark “The Teixecutioner” Teixeira hit a home run into the 2nd deck. 2-1 Yankees after 6.
And that was the final score as the Yankee bullpen of Coke, Hughes and Mariano “Greatest closer ever – screw Trevor Hoffman” Rivera shut the Tigers down in the 9th.
Notes on the game:
Finally, the Yankees have seen fit to cut the grass that sits on top of the concrete divider between the bleachers and the idiots in the box seats who pay $95 a ticket. This is good as we finally had a clear unobstructed view. Though I was prepared to bring my gun and safari clothes if they didn’t.
I believe that other team in NYC that plays in Queens has a conspiracy against the Yankees. As you know, that other team plays across the street from LaGuardia Airport. Well, now Yankee Stadium has become a favorite fly over location for jets. Several times noisy jets passed overhead. I distinctly saw that one was piloted by Jose Reyes. (Well, to be fair, the man has nothing else to do right now.)
Recommended reading material: Paddy Wacked: The Untold Story of the Irish American Gangster by T.J. English.
Best heckle of the game: Nothing really stood out so I tried my hand. My heckle of “Rene Descarte had it backwards: It should be ‘I am therefore I think’ ” didn’t appear to fire up the bleachers. In fact, they had the NYPD beat me up.
Reader mail:
M.W. of California writes, “I got rid of the goats in Red Sox hats – quite ruthlessly I may add. But now I have another problem. I am being followed by sea lions in Phillies caps. They block the door to my apartment and bellow at me. I cannot get to work. What to do? Help me Manhattan Infidel.”
What can I say M.W.? LSD is a powerful hallucinogenic. If I may give you some advice I would give it up. You can hurt yourself. Strange things happen on LSD. Why I remember once driving along the New York State Thruway with a head full of acid. I left my body and was outside the car watching myself drive. Now this was very dangerous. I could have hurt…….actually, now that I remember, it was kinda fun! What am I saying, LSD is fantastic. Take all you want.
Jimmy the Hat from beyond time and space writes, “I resent your earlier comment about ’70s porn. I starred in several porn flicks that decade and I was very well groomed. Well, maybe not down there……”
Too much information Jimmy but we appreciate your input.
S.B. of Manhattan but originally from uptight upstate Webster New York writes, “I was having a pint the other day and decided to put Journey on the jukebox. I was poked fun at for putting on ‘old people’s music’. I cried.”
Here’s what you do S.B. – kill him and dump the body in the East River where Ward’s Island and Randall’s Island meet. The tide there is perfect and the body will float out to sea. But first remember to cut the head off and dispose of that separately. Also cut off any tattoos, moles and the penis. Basically anything that might identify the body. And remember to cut the torso open so the lungs deflate and the torso sinks. How do I know this? I read alot.
D.B. of Mt. Holly New Jersey writes, “I also resent your crack about ’70s porn. I did porn in the ’70s and those movies were groundbreaking. I won awards. You may remember my movies – ‘Mr. Six inches’ and “Johnny Premature.’ What? You never heard of my work? Google me .”
T.S. of Astoria, not Long Island City, writes, “I must object to your comment on ’70s porn. I did porn in the 70s. Which is kind of odd since I was 9 when the decade ended. But hey, I’m an artist and have always been ahead of my time. And as far as sea lions in Philly caps – sea lions have always struck me as gentle and intelligent creatures.”
So now with the loss of that team that plays northeast on I-95 the Yankees are just 1 game out of first place in the American League East. Good news for all lovers of truth and justice.
To recap I’m riding a 5-game winning streak and my record at Yankee Stadium this year stands at 6-1. My next game is Monday July 20th against the Baltimore Orioles. Will my winning streak continue? Will Burt be captured by aliens? No, wait, that’s from the ’70s show, “Soap.”
Anyway, tune in and see. Go Yankees!
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