The Mattel toy company announced a new line of Barbie Dolls which it hopes will revitalize the line and take it well into the 21st Century.

Robert A. Eckert,  Chairman of the Board and Chief Executive Officer of Mattel Inc., announced the new line today during a press conference.

“We value the important contribution Barbie has made over the past 50 years.  We are always trying to make Barbie an enjoyable part of the lives of young girls, as well as educational.  It is because of this and with great pride we announce the following new line of Barbie Dolls.”

As cameras flashed the new Barbies were rolled out to great applause.

“We want to make Barbie relevant to girls of color.  Witness Puerto Rican Barbie.” 

As a 10-year old girl pulled a string on her back, Barbie exclaimed, “You come near me papi chulo and I cut you!” Barbie then reached into her pocket and drew out a knife.  The girl was then given the Barbie and, with a slightly confused look on her face, hustled off stage.

“Thank you Puerto Rican Barbie.  Next up is Feminist Career Woman Barbie.  If you notice Feminist Career Woman Barbie comes with a pants suit and  shoulder pads.  Pull her string and watch her assert her independence.”

He did just this and Feminist Career Woman Barbie said “My vagina symbolizes my self-actualization.”

Eckert continued, “Now we have Young Starlet Barbie.   The Young Starlet Barbie includes her own car and a small dog.”

He  placed Young Starlet Barbie in her car.  Barbie then drove a few feet, crashed into a lamp post, got out of her car, shaved off her hair and muttered “I’m so wasted I don’t know where I am.  Did I just make a sex tape?” before falling asleep.

“I’m particularly proud of Young Starlet Barbie and believe she will be our best seller” Eckert said.

“And finally we have Rocker Barbie.  As you can see Rocker Barbie comes with her own electric guitar.  And if you look closely you’ll notice the ‘Death to the Man’ tatoo on her left shoulder.  Also, with a 2-year warranty available at a reasonable cost Rocker Barbie is guaranteed to withstand 4 overdoses.”

And with that the preview of the new Barbie Dolls came to an end.  All will be available to the public after the labor day weekend, “Just in time for the new school year” according to Eckert.

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