With the recent spate of bear attacks against humans, and having come across a bear or two during my hikes, I’d like to share a few tips on what to do and what not to do when encountering a bear.  First, what not to do.

Last year, two female hikers in the Sierra Nevadas were attacked.  In the words of one of the hikers, Olga Jones, “My lifetime companion Jenny and I were hiking when a bear attacked us.  I watched helplessly as a bear tore at my intimate companion. I did not know what to do.”

Rule no. 1:  Bears hate lesbians.  If you are a lesbian, stay away from bear country.

A stand up comedian while hiking came upon a mother bear and her three cubs.  Thinking to save himself with the only skill he had, he produced a portable microphone and proceeded to do his act.  The bears ripped him to pieces.

Rule no. 2:  Bears hate stand up comedians.  If you are a stand up comedian, do not go hiking.  If you are a lesbian stand up comedian, do not go outdoors on any occasion.

An intellectual once was startled by a bear in his back yard.  He attempted to engage the bear in a discussion of Descartes.  The bear ate him.

Rule no. 3:  Bears hate pompous fools.

An Englishman on vacation in the Catskills was surprised by a bear.  He asked the bear, “Hey mate, would you like a pint?”   The bear mounted and sodomized him.

Rule no 4:  Bears are sexually attracted to Englishman.  If you are an Englishman consider faking a Scottish accent.  This will confuse the bear and he will leave you alone.  Or he may ask you if you know Sean Connery.  Either way, it beats having sweaty bear sex.

To sum up:  Lesbians, stand up comedians, pompous fools and the English have absolutely no chance of ever surviving a bear attack.  If you are confronted by a bear or group of bears,  do not pretend to be one of these.  If you are one of these, pretend you are not.

Finally, proven techniques to survive a bear attack.

Bears like to dance.  Consider carrying along a mix tape and sound system.   Pretend you are a DJ. While the bears become dancing fools you can make a quick getaway.  Unless you are an Englishman.  Then you will simply be a sodomized DJ.

Bears are avid golfers.  When hiking carry along a set of golf clubs.  If you encounter a bear, give him the golf clubs and caddy for him.  This always works.  Unless of course, you are an Englishman in which case you will become a sodomized golfer.

Bears like baseball and tend to follow the Philadelphia Phillies.  While hiking always wear a Philly cap and/or Ryan Howard jersey.   This will save your life, unless you are English.

Bears fancy themselves pretty handy with computers.  When encountering a bear it helps to have a laptop on you.   Tell the bear you have a laptop connect card from AT&T but cannot connect wirelessly.  While the bear channels his inner I.T. guru you can make your escape.  Unless you are English, in which case you should probably just stay in your hotel room.

By following these simple rules one increases one’s chances of surviving an encounter with a wild bear.*

*Disclaimer – not guaranteed to work for the English.

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The social networking and blogging system Twitter has become a worldwide phenomenon.  What many do not know is that is it not a new one.  Indeed, archeologists are discovering evidence of “tweets” throughout time.  Many historical figures have Twittered, giving scholars valuable insight heretofore unknown.  This tweet from 20,000 B.C.E  from “Grog0266” is the earliest recorded one:

“Gorgak think he big.  Invent wheel.  Me sleep with gorgak’s wife.”

In 480 B.C.E. King Leonidas twittered, “What’s up dudes?  I’m slaughtering Persians and looking bitchin’ doing it.”

From 44 B.C.E Julius Caesar’s tweet reads, “Ides of March here. Still alive.  Hey, there’s Brutus.  Safe around good friends.”

However it was Jesus who first took Twittering to a new level, letting his close group of followers into the minutia of his life.  Some of his existing tweets include, “Met a demon called ‘Legion.’  What a swine”, “Water into wine.  Rinse and repeat”, “Meet me on the Mount.  Will give speech” and “Having supper.  Has anyone seen Judas?”

In 375 C.E. Augustine of Hippo twittered, “Going to Carthage.  The women there are wild!”

After the fall of the Roman Empire, Twittering remained dormant until the time of the American Revolution.  From Philadelphia in 1776 John Adams tweeted, “Hot as Hell. Jefferson too busy getting slave nookie to write damn Declaration.”

George Washington let his friends know that he was “Crossing the Delaware.  Very cold and my teeth hurt. But at least I’m not in Philadelphia anymore.”

In 1814 James Madison twittered, “The British are burning Washington D.C.  to the ground.  Other than that I still hate them.”

Twittering was very popular during the American Civil War.  In May 1864 Ulysses S. Grant’s tweet read, “What happened during the battle yesterday?  I was sooooo wasted.”

At Little Big Horn in 1876, Custer had time to tweet, “Having a slight battle here but expect to get out of it alright. Ouch, arrow through the groin.  Damn that stings.”

In August 1921 Eamon De Valera twittered to his good friend Michael Collins, “Great news.  The British want a cease fire.  I think all our problems are over!”

In 1942 FDR told his friends, “Saw Churchill naked.  I haven’t been so upset since I lost the use of my legs.”

And finally in 1972 Richard Nixon twittered to G. Gordon Liddy, “Burglary of Watergate Hotel is on.  P.S.  Make sure to add Joe Namath to my enemies list.”

The 2nd volume of historical tweets, covering the years from 1972 to the present is expected to be released in the Fall but already there is much buzz over one leaked twitter from 1991 from Dan Quayle to President Bush, “What the hell do you mean there is no ‘e’ in Potatoe!’

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Tucked in the hills near Zurich, Switzerland,  a local suicide clinic has bet all on an ambitious marketing plan.

“Come for the suicide; stay for the cryogenic freezing.  When you’re ready we unfreeze you and let you commit suicide again.  Two suicides for the price of one!”

The controversial slogan first began appearing on billboards around Zurich and soon spread to all of Europe.

“We were doing good business.  But we were getting stiff competition from other suicide clinics around town.  They had marketing departments and were light years ahead of us in terms of advertising.  Once clinic even hired Bruce Springsteen to come and sing the entire ‘Nebraska’ album for their clients.  And if listening to that doesn’t make you want to kill yourself…I don’t know what will” declared the head of the Official Zurich Suicide Clinic, the oldest in the country.

“So I got to thinking.  What can we do that they don’t?  Then it hit me.  Repeat business! We had a cryogenics lab installed and started our marketing campaign.  So far it’s been a big hit.  People get sentimental about their suicide.  It brings back good memories and they want to commit suicide again at the same place.”

A quick tour of their cryogenics lab reveals 50 frozen bodies, “happy suicides”, waiting to be thawed out so they can commit suicide again.  Many of the frozen are married couples.

“There’s something about marriage that prompts a man’s thoughts to killing himself.  And they want the wife along too.  Why just last week I thawed out a couple that committed suicide, well, it was a murder/suicide actually.  The husband told me the happiest moment of his life was shooting his wife in the head just before he shot himself.  He asked me if this time he could just shoot his wife and be gone…..but I told him a contract’s a contract.  He was disappointed at first until I pointed out that at least he would get to shoot his wife again.  That brought a smile to his face.”

But it’s not just married couples.  The suicide clinic has been doing great business with all types since the cryogenics lab was installed.

“We get lots of single people too.  One single man came here to commit suicide because he was unable to find his one true love.  Ironically while he was here preparing to die he fell in love with one of the nurses.  Six months later when we thawed him out for his repeat suicide she had married another man.  This upset him so much he, and this was quite ungrateful on his part, left the clinic and killed himself by jumping in the river and drowning.  We could have done that for him!”

A majority of the clinic’s business comes from England.

“Well, their English.  What have they to live for?  The weather is so drab and there is nothing on TV but those damn soccer matches.”

Another interesting fact about the clinic:  No Americans.

“What can I say about the Americans.  Stupid bourgeois cowboys.  They insist on living and breeding.”

As I left the clinic the Director handed me their new pamphlet detailing their “Holiday Special.”  Clients for a reasonable extra cost get to kill themselves on Christmas and get thawed out every holiday to do it again.

“What says the holidays better than shooting yourself in the head on Christmas?

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The popular black and white cookie seen in delis everywhere admitted that there are problems in its relationship.

From his home in the Village, the white portion of the cookie said, “We don’t talk to each other that much.  What would we talk about?  We have nothing in common.  Whenever I do try to talk to him he starts blaming me for everything.  He calls it his ‘black cookie rage.’ ”

Wearing gray slacks, loafers, white dress shirt and a sweater vest, the white portion of the cookie sipped from his capachino and continued:  “I’m a good person  I’ve been to Harvard for God’s sake.  I’m educated and I vote Democratic.  I’ve tried being nice.  I’ve agreed to work with him in the cookie.  Sure we live in different neighborhoods but that’s just the way it is.”

From his office in Harlem, community organizer Al Sharpton held a press conference.  With the black portion of the cookie by his side, Sharpton declared that the time was ripe for civil disobedience.

“Who likes eating vanilla?  Nobody!  Who likes chocolate?  The entire world that’s who.  Even white people like eating chocolate.  Then why is there a vanilla/lemon base to the cookie?  The white man is trying to hold onto his cookie power that’s why!”

Sharpton then gave his list of demands.

“There must be a chocolate base to this cookie.  The cookie must be integrated.  The black portion of the cookie must be guaranteed access to areas of the cookie he doesn’t have now.  It is time to smash the cookie ceiling for chocolate.”

From Washington D.C., President Obama told reporters that it was “a disgrace” that the black and white cookie remains firmly in the hands of the white majority and announced an executive order to desegregate the cookie.

The white portion of the cookie responded, “He can do what he wants.  Me?  I’m moving to a gated community.”

A protest march has been set for next week where thousands will march down Broadway to the Village, enter delis and eat only the black portion of the cookie. The white portion of the cookie will remain uneaten, to become stale and thrown in trash bins.

“Let’s see how long ‘the man’ likes that!”

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