Breakfast Cereal Mascots Go on Strike

Sonny is cuckoo for health benefits“2…..4…..6……8…..General Mills is filled with hate!”  chants rag through the air.  Dozens of breakfast cereal mascots braved the rain as they marched with their placards.  This was the 15th day of the strike of mascot local #5 with no end in sight.  Already there has been violence.

“Some management goons came over and poured milk all over me and hit me with a giant spoon” declared an outraged Sonny the Cuckoo bird, erstwhile mascot for Cocoa Puffs.  “How am I supposed to get my pro-union point across when my delicious chocolate flavored puffed grain breakfast cereal is covered in vitamin D-rich milk?”

General Mills, Kellogg’s and Quaker Oats have vowed not to give into the demand of their mascots.  Reportedly, replacement mascots have been hired.  At General Mills’ corporate offices, Jose Canseco was seen reading for the part of Sonny the Cuckoo bird.

“I’m cuckoo for steroids, I’m cuckoo for steroids” he would shout enthusiastically while the director corrected him, “No!  You’re cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!  You’re cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!  That’s it,  get rid of him.  See if Roger Clemens is available.”

At the core of the strike is the issue of health benefits and royalties.  Or more specifically, the lack thereof for mascots.  Tony the Tiger told reporters, “Health benefits – they’re g-r-r-reat!”

Mr. Tiger then made the case as to why he needed health benefits, citing the rich sugar content of Frosted Corn Flakes.

“Do you know what my cholesterol level is?  My arteries are clogged.  My doctor tells me I have a heart condition and need surgery but I cannot afford the time off.”  He then excused himself and rejoined the line of picketers.

Huckleberry Hound, mascot for  Kellogg’s  Frosted Sugar Stars said, “A lot of us mascots are in a bind financially.  We do not get any royalties from our work and many of us have to take second jobs.”

He pointed out a few of the strikers.

“There we have Captain Crunch.  He has a child that’s about to start college so he had to take a job as one of the Village People just to make some extra money.  And over there we have Toucan Sam….”

Toucan Sam acknowledged Huckleberry and said “Follow your nose to some damn royalties!  No justice no peace!  Let’s burn down Kelloggs’ house baby!  Show the man who they’re dealing with!”

Huckleberry pointed out a third mascot.  “That’s Mr. Mini-Wheats, mascot for Mini-Wheats cereal.  One side of him is wheat and the other side sweet, but the sweet side is pretty pissed off right now.  He was all for the strike.”

A joint statement from General Mills and Kelloggs issued today announced no new plans for talks with the striking mascots, declaring “While we have sympathy for our many hard working mascots they have signed contracts and must live up to their obligations.”  The statement also went on to say that until the strike is settled parents should consider giving their children cold pizza for breakfast.

“Pizza has many nutrients for growing boys and girls.  And pizza never asked for no damn royalties.”


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