With the recent spate of bear attacks against humans, and having come across a bear or two during my hikes, I’d like to share a few tips on what to do and what not to do when encountering a bear.  First, what not to do.

Last year, two female hikers in the Sierra Nevadas were attacked.  In the words of one of the hikers, Olga Jones, “My lifetime companion Jenny and I were hiking when a bear attacked us.  I watched helplessly as a bear tore at my intimate companion. I did not know what to do.”

Rule no. 1:  Bears hate lesbians.  If you are a lesbian, stay away from bear country.

A stand up comedian while hiking came upon a mother bear and her three cubs.  Thinking to save himself with the only skill he had, he produced a portable microphone and proceeded to do his act.  The bears ripped him to pieces.

Rule no. 2:  Bears hate stand up comedians.  If you are a stand up comedian, do not go hiking.  If you are a lesbian stand up comedian, do not go outdoors on any occasion.

An intellectual once was startled by a bear in his back yard.  He attempted to engage the bear in a discussion of Descartes.  The bear ate him.

Rule no. 3:  Bears hate pompous fools.

An Englishman on vacation in the Catskills was surprised by a bear.  He asked the bear, “Hey mate, would you like a pint?”   The bear mounted and sodomized him.

Rule no 4:  Bears are sexually attracted to Englishman.  If you are an Englishman consider faking a Scottish accent.  This will confuse the bear and he will leave you alone.  Or he may ask you if you know Sean Connery.  Either way, it beats having sweaty bear sex.

To sum up:  Lesbians, stand up comedians, pompous fools and the English have absolutely no chance of ever surviving a bear attack.  If you are confronted by a bear or group of bears,  do not pretend to be one of these.  If you are one of these, pretend you are not.

Finally, proven techniques to survive a bear attack.

Bears like to dance.  Consider carrying along a mix tape and sound system.   Pretend you are a DJ. While the bears become dancing fools you can make a quick getaway.  Unless you are an Englishman.  Then you will simply be a sodomized DJ.

Bears are avid golfers.  When hiking carry along a set of golf clubs.  If you encounter a bear, give him the golf clubs and caddy for him.  This always works.  Unless of course, you are an Englishman in which case you will become a sodomized golfer.

Bears like baseball and tend to follow the Philadelphia Phillies.  While hiking always wear a Philly cap and/or Ryan Howard jersey.   This will save your life, unless you are English.

Bears fancy themselves pretty handy with computers.  When encountering a bear it helps to have a laptop on you.   Tell the bear you have a laptop connect card from AT&T but cannot connect wirelessly.  While the bear channels his inner I.T. guru you can make your escape.  Unless you are English, in which case you should probably just stay in your hotel room.

By following these simple rules one increases one’s chances of surviving an encounter with a wild bear.*

*Disclaimer – not guaranteed to work for the English.

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