The 30th anniversary of President Jimmy Carter’s famous “Malaise” speech was greeted with feelings of unease, discomfort,  and indifference.

Many Americans who were alive then and watched the speech on TV when asked about the anniversary responded with “I dunno.  I don’t care“, “I would celebrate but my antidepressants sap my energy” and “I’m scared to leave my house” though one old man in Poughkeepsie, New York responded with “Get off my lawn you young whippersnappers before I call the police.”

The National Center for Ambiguous Feelings of Moral or Mental Depression, founded shortly after Carter’s speech, reported a 45% increase in calls to the facility.  A quick survey of the calls found that 51% wanted to know if their “vague feelings of unease” qualified as full-blown malaise.  25% of the callers were too depressed to leave a message.  10% wanted to know when CBS was going to bring back the Gomer Pyle show.  13% called to say “Put Joba back in the bullpen” while 1% called and said “I warned ya young fella.  Get of my lawn!”  A further 6% called to lament their lack of proficiency in math.

“We were expecting an increase of calls” said the Director of the Institute for Ambiguous Feelings of Mental or Moral Depression, “So we had our ambiguous feelings counselors man the phones.”

Those who got up the courage to leave their homes and come to the clinic were given rooms where they could watch TV or arrange a private session with a feelings counselor.

“Interestingly enough, we found most people just wanted to use the bathroom.  We do have nice bathrooms here.”

Of those who did wish to talk to a feelings counselor at the National Center for Feelings of Moral or Mental Depression, 78% curled up in a fetal position and sobbed, 10% stared at the wall and chewed their fingernails, 11% wanted to know why “Joba was not in the freaking bullpen”, while 1% showed up with shovels “to beat those whippersnappers who won’t stay off my lawn.”   Three percent complained about math.

So great was the increase that the Director was forced to admit it was over his depth.

“I don’t know what to do.  I don’t have the confidence I used to feel.  Something is wrong and I can’t put my finger on it. All the staff is depressed.  Did you like the Gomer Pyle show?  I loved that show”  he said before being brought into a room for a session with an ambiguous feelings counselor.

The Center at last report had  temporarily closed.  Callers to the center were greeted with a message that said, “Welcome to the National Center for Ambiguous Feelings of  Mental or Moral Depression…or is it the National Center for Ambiguous Feelings of Moral or Mental Depression.  I don’t care anymore.  I just don’t care anymore.  And get off my lawn!”

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