Beer Summit Ends in Chaos

Dedicated civil servant James CrowleyThe eyes of a restless nation turned to the “Beer Summit” hoping that at long last racial healing would come to America.  Instead, mortified they watched as Sgt. James Crowley of the Cambridge Police Department arrested a drunk and disorderly Henry Louis Gates as President Obama looked on.

Things appeared to get off to a cool start as President Obama formally introduced Crowley to Gates.

“It’s nice to be here Mr. President” said Sgt. Crowley.

Gates refused to take Crowley’s proffered hand, saying “He’s wearing his gun.  You know white people cling to those things.”

President Obama gently admonished Professor Gates as the three sat down for their beers.  As the press snapped photos, Crowley sipped his Guinness and Obama his Budweiser.  Professor Gates ordered a Corona and as it was brought to him mentioned that there was no lime.

“This is just like America.  I bet if I had been white I’d have a lime in my beer!

President Obama then told reporters, “I’m just sitting here having a beer with my good friend and respected scholar Henry Louis Gates and Sgt. James Crowley, a dedicated  public servant.”

The trio sipped their beers in  silence.  A silence as frosty as the rich delicious head on the beers they were enjoying.  A second round was brought.

“Still no damn lime in my beer” Gates fumed.

It was at this point that the evening went downhill.  Professor Gates brushed back his chair, stood up and held his Corona over his head asking reporters “What kind of country is this that denies a black man his lime?”

President Obama tried to calm his friend down saying that it was probably just an oversight.  Gates threw his beer bottle against the wall, smashing the bottle and spraying the room with Corona.

“They rape our women.  They herd us into ghettos.  They deny us our lime!”

Sgt. Crowley then told Gates that he would have to calm down and asked to speak to him outside.

“Why?  Because I’m a black man in America?  Do you know who I am?  I know the President” he said as he gestured to President Obama, who was busy texting on his Blackberry and appeared not to notice that the summit was in danger of degenerating into an incident.

Sgt. Crowley asked Gates a second time if he would like to step outside to discuss this.

“I’ll speak to your mama outside” he said.  “You haven’t heard the last of this.”

Sgt. Crowley then placed Gates under arrest.   As Gates was being handcuffed he complained that he was disabled and would fall without his cane.  Sgt. Crowley then handcuffed Gates with his arms in front of him and proceeded to give him his cane.  As Crowley lead Gates to a waiting patrol car Gates could be heard yelling “White motherf——“.

After the arrest President Obama stopped texting and placed his Blackberry back into his clip.

“Needless to say I regret deeply what just happened.  Obviously Sgt. Crowley acted stupidly.  Perhaps the lack of affordable government-run health care was weighing on his mind.”

President Obama then announced that he would meet with both of them again next week and ordered 30 boxes of limes for the White House kitchen.



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