World’s Ugliest Japanese Man Hits Walk Off Home Run; God to Smite Dave Matthews

A dejected Hideki Matsui contemplates the new Yankee policyIn the bottom of the ninth Hideki Matsui hit a walk off home run giving the Yankees their third straight 2-1 victory.  Moments after that God promised me that he would smite Dave Matthews from the face of the Earth.  But more on that later.

Tonight I went to see the Yankees play the Baltimore “Washington D.C. without the attitude” Orioles.  Temporarily exiled from my usual seat in the bleachers I watched the game from the upper deck, section 414.  Not being in the bleachers I missed the rituals of my tribe. No role call.  No Bald Vinny sitting behind me.  No chanting “box seats suck.” I tell you, I felt more out of place than the Mets would be if they were in first.  Or at the very least found themselves with a winning record.

But I digress.  On to the game.

The Yankees started with Andy “Too many consonants” Pettitte  while the Orioles, in a savvy move, countered with David  Hernadez, just called up from Triple A.  And, as has happened all year, the Yankees were not able to solve the mystery of crappy, unknown pitchers.  Hernandez held the Yankees to three hits and one run over 6 innings.  And those three hits came in the first two innings.

The Orioles got on the board first when Nick Markakis hit a solo home run in the first.  1 – 0 Orioles.   I was concerned that Andy Pettitte, who is 63 years old after all, might not be up to the task.  I went to the mound and told him, “I wouldn’t give up another home run.  It would be a shame if something were to happen to one of the consonants in your last name.” Andy took the hint and did not give up another run, pitching brilliantly over 7 1/3 innings, striking out eight.  Funny, yesterday Joba Chamberlain struck out eight as the Yankees won 2-1.  Tonight, Pettitte struck out eight as the Yankees won 2-1.

The Yankees tied it in the bottom of the second as the newest Yankee, Erick Hinske hit a home run.  1-1 tie score after 2.

The Orioles had their chance but stellar Yankee defense kept them at bay as two consecutive runners were tagged out at home in the eight to keep the score tied.  First Nick Markakis hit a ball to Mark Teixeira who threw to home.   Jose Molina tagged out Cesar Itzuris.  Next batter.  A wild pitch by reliever Phil “We love” Coke and Brian Roberts sprinted from 3rd base but was tagged out by Molina. Rally over.

That brings us to the bottom of the 9th.  With one out and Hideki “The ever moving mole on my face” Matsui at the plate,  your humble blogger for the first time in his life resorted to the rally cap.  Placing the cap backwards on my head I said, “Please God, let the Yankees win.” Matsui proceeded to hit a 2-2 pitch into the wind tunnel in the right field seats.  The Yankees were waiting for him at home plate and gestured to him to throw his helmet up in the air.  Through an interpreter, the normally reserved Matsui said “I was just going to step on home plate but they told me to throw my  helmet up in the air.  Where are my hookers?”

Final score:  Yankees 2 Orioles 1.

Notes on the game:

I ate sushi at the game. That’s right.  Sushi.  What can I say?  I’m soft and decadent, just like the Democratic Party.

Before the game the Yankees announced that the 2010 Notre Dame-Army football game will be played at the Stadium.  Notre Dame coach Charlie Weiss was invited to throw out the first ball.  Unfortunately he ate the ball.  And the umpires.  Then he had a heart attack.

Now for the smiting Dave Matthews thing.  When God answered my prayer and let Matsui hit the walk off  home run He asked me if there was anything else I wanted.  “Tell me now.  I’m in a good mood” God said.  I mentioned how much I hate the music of the Dave Matthews band.  Really.  It’s crap.  God said, “Yeah, I hate it too.  Okay.  I’ll smite him just for you.” 

Don’t let anyone tell you God doesn’t listen to prayers.

Recommended reading material:  A Good Man is Hard to Find and Other Stories by Flannery O’Connor.

Reader mail:

J.D. Salinger writes, “I’ve told you before.  Do not use the ‘I digress’ bit.  I have it copyrighted.”   Like I’m going to listen to an idiot who roots for the Red Sox.

D.B. of Mt. Holly, New Jersey writes, “Stop saying things about me.  I work with accountants, remember.  We just might show up with our multiplication tables and kick your blogging ass.”  Now that hurts D.B.  Especially after all the effort I put into turning your bachelor pad on 15th street into a museum.

Julius Caeser of Rome writes, “Will someone please invent pants.  This toga is very drafty.  Go Yankees.”

John Wilkes Booth of Virginia writes “Abe Lincoln is very tall.  A good target.  Go Yankees.”

A.P of Poughkeepsie, New York writes, “Baseball is not popular in Latvia. For this I must disown my people. Go Yankees.”

L.K of New Jersey writes, “I read yesterday’s post and I am disturbed by your knowledge of the proper way to dispose of a dead body.  I am even more disturbed because I want you to teach me how to do it.”

So my record this year stands at an impressive 7-1.  My next Yankee game is Sunday August 2nd as I travel to Chicago to see the Yankees at U.S. Cellular Field play that other team in Chicago not named the Cubs who don’t play at Wrigley Field, who don’t have name recognition or a country-wide fan base, who will always be second in their market.  You know, just like a Chicago version of the Mets.

Go Yankees!


1 Comment

One Response

  1. Joe P says:

    Why don’t you ask God to put Hinske in right field and save us ALL!!!!

    God would but fears the wrath of the mohawked one, Nick Swisher – The Manhattan Infidel.

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