The Grim Reaper today sued legendary Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards for breach of contract following Richards’ repeated refusals to admit that he is in fact dead.

“I’ve had it” said the Reaper.  “I can’t take it any more.  I’ve been chasing him around for 36 years now and he still refuses to admit he’s dead and that I can claim his soul.”

According to the Reaper, Richards died on the morning of December 20, 1973 after an evening of ingesting a potent mix of heroin, horse tranquilizers, quaaludes, cocaine, two quarts of vodka, the pineal gland of a virgin sacrificed just for him, a case of budweiser and a glass of Tang, “back when the astronauts still used it”. Richards did at the time admit that he was dead, telling the Reaper “Looks like you got me, mate” and promised to let the Reaper take him later that evening after Richards took care of some final business.

“Like the softy that I am I said yes” said the Grim Reaper.  “I mean, I love the Stones too.”

Only Richards did not show up later that evening.  “He stood me up.  You ever wonder why I’m the ‘Grim’ Reaper and not just the Reaper?  It’s because of clowns like this.  They make my life difficult.  I couldn’t go back to my boss without a dead person so I had to take Bobby Darin instead.  And it wasn’t even his time.  He wasn’t supposed to die until 2002 when Putin was going to poison him.  Why?  I don’t know and I don’t care.”

Instead the Grim Reaper has been reduced to following around the Stones trying to claim Richards.

“It’s humiliating.  I’m the Reaper, the harbinger of Death.  I used have my dignity.  But I’ve been reduced to waiting backstage with drug dealers, skanky groupies and that idiot Robin Leach who kept telling me  about ‘champagne wishes and caviar dreams.’ “

According to the lawsuit Richards’ refusal to accept death has lead to “loss of income and loss of face” for The Reaper.

“It just sets a bad example.  People see what Keith did and some are now refusing to die.  Do you know how long it took me to finally kill off Lou Albano?”

The Reaper says that he has was close to finally capturing Richards in 1994 when he cornered him in his  hotel room after an appearance on Saturday Night Live.

“He had a syringe in each arm and for some reason there was a duck-billed platypus in his hotel room and he was drinking platypus blood.  I was just about to grab him when Mick Jagger distracted me just long enough for Keith to escape.”

The Reaper’s lawsuit asks for unspecified damages and demands that Richards immediately stop “any and all respiratory activity and to proceed to decompose henceforth.”

Richards vows to fight the lawsuit, telling reporters “The Reaper is mistaken.  I ain’t dead mate.  You don’t do as much heroin and horse tranquilizers as I’ve done without building up an immunity.”

(4027)

Hoping to attract new and younger readers, the American Council of Christian Churches (ACCC) has released their  much anticipated new Bible translation.

“With this translation we wanted to keep the essence intact but emphasize the latent multiculturalism and environmentalism of the Bible” said their President Dr. John McNight (EMC).  “I think this translation will help younger people understand the radical environmental pacifism of Christianity.”

Those reading the Bible will first notice that it is dedicated to Mohammed and has the inscription, “May the religion of peace show us new and better ways of understanding each other.” According to McNight, by dedicating the Bible to Mohammed the ACCC is showing the importance of multiculturalism.  “Let us not feel a sense of triumphalism because we are from the West.”

Reporters were able to read the following excerpts from the Book of Genesis which are representative of the new Bible.

The first chapter contains this passage:  “God blessed them and said to them Be fruitful and increase in number, but not too much because the world’s resources are already at the breaking point from overpopulation and global warming.  Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground.  But do not harm your animal companions.  They have as much rights as you do. ”

From the second chapter of Genesis:  “The man and his significant other were both naked, and they felt no shame because the human body is a beautiful thing.  So they made love to each other.  Verily they did.  Many times.  But mindful of overpopulation and a woman’s right to choose verily did they use contraception.”

The third chapter of Genesis contains this account of the fall:  “Now George W. Bush was more subtle than any beast which the Lord God hath made.  And he said unto the woman,  Yeah, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the Garden?  And George W. Bush said unto the woman,  Ye shall not surely die.  For God knows that in the day that ye eat thereof then your eyes shall be opened and ye shall be as Gods……..and the woman said George W. Bush did deceive me and verily did I eat of the fruit.  And God said unto George W. Bush because thou has done this, thou are cursed; upon thy belly shalt thou go and meat shalt thy eat all the days of thy life.”

And from the sixth chapter:  “And God saith unto Noah make thee an ark of gopher wood and behold sea levels shall rise to destroy all flesh because man was not mindful of his carbon footprint.”

The ACCC has high hopes for this version.  According to President McNight,  “I think I can safely say that it’s going to outsell Harry Potter.”

The translation will cost $49.95 and is available only at Barnes and Noble.

(214)

The United States today filed a restraining order against the Continent of Europe.  Citing an “uncomfortable pattern of behavior ” that breached a natural comfort zone, the U.S. has asked that Europe not contact it anymore and that it stay 3000 miles distance from the Unites States at all times.

“I mean, c’mon.  Europe’s a nice little continent and all that.  And sure we hung out together for awhile.  But I’ve moved on.  Europe’s just not that important to me anymore.  So be cool”  said the United States.

“Europe is just getting downright creepy.  She knows everything about me.  She knows my 50 State Capitols.  She knows all about my history.  Hell she even knows about local races in states.  She called me up the other day to talk about a mayoral race in Tennessee.  She wanted to lecture me and give me her opinions.  Dude. Get out of my business.”

For her part, Europe alternated between weepy emotion and belligerance when asked about the United States.

“Why doesn’t the United States love me anymore?  Why?  We used to have so much fun together.  We used to do so much together.  World War I, World War II, the Cold War.  Now he won’t even return my calls.  He says he’s ‘busy’ off somewhere in Afghanistan or some other country……you know what….screw the United States.  I don’t need them.  I’m superior to them.  I am Europe hear me roar!”

Europe then burst into tears again.  “Who am I kidding.  I love that big bad boy.”

Relationship experts familiar with the situation say that what has happened between the United States and Europe is not unusual.

“Both parties go into a relationship only thinking of themselves or with short-term goals.  Then the parties grow apart but have a destructive dependency upon each other.  Then words are exchanged and before you know it a trade war starts and someone’s Internet Explorer gets hurt.”

The best thing for both parties, according to psychiatrists is time apart from each other.  “Hopefully this will give both parties perspective and a new start.”

For its part the United States has its eye on the the Moon as a possible new partner.  Europe, when reached for comment said “I don’t need anybody.  I’ll show the United States” before, once again, starting a crying jag.

(316)

Mr Vice President, Mr. Speaker, members of the Senate and of the House of Representatives:

Yesterday, October 9th, 2009 — a date which will live in infamy — the Moon was suddenly and deliberately attacked by the forces of the United States of America.

The Moon was at peace with that nation and indeed tolerated its ‘space junk’ left on our tiny world.

It will be recorded that the distance of the Moon from The United States makes it obvious that the attack was planned many days or even weeks ago.

The attack yesterday on the Moon has caused severe damage to Moon military forces.  I regret to tell you that very many Moon lives have been lost.

The United States has, therefore, undertaken a surprise offensive across the Moon.  The facts of yesterday speak for themselves.  The people of the Moon have already formed their opinions and very well understand the implications to the very life and safety of our world.

As Commander in Chief I have directed that all measures be taken for our defense.  But always will our whole nation remember the character of the onslaught against us.

No matter how long it may take us to overcome this premeditated invasion, the people of the Moon in their righteous might will win through to absolute victory.

I believe that I interpret the will of the Congress and of the people when I assert that we will not only defend ourselves to the uttermost, but will make it certain that this form of treachery shall never again endanger us.

Hostilities exist.  Their is no blinking at the fact that our people, our territory, and our interests are in grave danger.

With confidence in our armed forces, with the unbounding determination of our people, we will gain the inevitable triumph — so help us God.

I ask that the Congress declare that since the unprovoked and dastardly attack by the United States on Friday, October 9th, 2009, a state of war has existed between the Moon and the United States of America.

(276)

A new study released today looking into health care costs among zombies has found that the undead who maintain a strict vegetarian lifestyle have lower cholesterol and a longer afterlife.

“Zombies are second only to Hispanics in terms of minority population in the United States.  With numbers like these the Administration wanted to find out what health care costs were among them” says President Obama’s new Zombie Czar.

“What we found disturbed us.  The majority of zombies live very unhealthy after-lifesyles.  Their diet consists mainly of raw human flesh – red meat.  This lead to an epidemic of obesity among meat-eating zombies and dramatically increased their cholesterol levels.   Zombies also do not get much exercise.   You can imagine what their health care costs are.   When my Assistant Czar for Zombies suggested  after-lifestyle changes at a meeting of zombies he was eaten, which was a shame since I had just approved his vacation.”

In keeping with the Administration’s commitment to lower health care costs  a pilot group of zombies was isolated and encouraged to become vegetarians.

“They were resistant at first but after watching a video from Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher entitled ‘Mr. zombie you too can be a servant to our President by going veggie’ most of the zombies came on board the program.”

After just one month in the pilot program 75% of zombies had lost weight, lowered their cholesterol and reported having more energy for traditional undead zombie activities such as drooling and moaning.  Many also expressed a desire to lower their carbon footprint.

“Naturally we are delighted by this and hope to spread the gospel of vegetarianism for the undead.”

Shortly after reporting his findings however tragedy struck as President Obama’s Czar for Zombies was himself attacked by several non-vegetarian zombies on Pennsylvania Avenue.

“We saw this disheveled mess lying on the street.  At first we thought it was Barney Frank” said a witness.

No word yet on when a replacement Czar will be appointed.

(266)