Study Finds Vegetarian Zombies Have a Healthier, Longer Afterlife

Vegetarian zombies are healthier, live more active deathstylesA new study released today looking into health care costs among zombies has found that the undead who maintain a strict vegetarian lifestyle have lower cholesterol and a longer afterlife.

“Zombies are second only to Hispanics in terms of minority population in the United States.  With numbers like these the Administration wanted to find out what health care costs were among them” says President Obama’s new Zombie Czar.

“What we found disturbed us.  The majority of zombies live very unhealthy after-lifesyles.  Their diet consists mainly of raw human flesh – red meat.  This lead to an epidemic of obesity among meat-eating zombies and dramatically increased their cholesterol levels.   Zombies also do not get much exercise.   You can imagine what their health care costs are.   When my Assistant Czar for Zombies suggested  after-lifestyle changes at a meeting of zombies he was eaten, which was a shame since I had just approved his vacation.”

In keeping with the Administration’s commitment to lower health care costs  a pilot group of zombies was isolated and encouraged to become vegetarians.

“They were resistant at first but after watching a video from Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher entitled ‘Mr. zombie you too can be a servant to our President by going veggie’ most of the zombies came on board the program.”

After just one month in the pilot program 75% of zombies had lost weight, lowered their cholesterol and reported having more energy for traditional undead zombie activities such as drooling and moaning.  Many also expressed a desire to lower their carbon footprint.

“Naturally we are delighted by this and hope to spread the gospel of vegetarianism for the undead.”

Shortly after reporting his findings however tragedy struck as President Obama’s Czar for Zombies was himself attacked by several non-vegetarian zombies on Pennsylvania Avenue.

“We saw this disheveled mess lying on the street.  At first we thought it was Barney Frank” said a witness.

No word yet on when a replacement Czar will be appointed.


One Response

  1. Dr. Dave says:

    The vegetarians, ironically, must be Republicans. We all know that Democratic zombies eat each other’s brains, which is precisely why they come up with so much stupid legislation.

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