Grim Reaper Sues Keith Richards

Keith Richards continues to deny he is deadThe Grim Reaper today sued legendary Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards for breach of contract following Richards’ repeated refusals to admit that he is in fact dead.

“I’ve had it” said the Reaper.  “I can’t take it any more.  I’ve been chasing him around for 36 years now and he still refuses to admit he’s dead and that I can claim his soul.”

According to the Reaper, Richards died on the morning of December 20, 1973 after an evening of ingesting a potent mix of heroin, horse tranquilizers, quaaludes, cocaine, two quarts of vodka, the pineal gland of a virgin sacrificed just for him, a case of budweiser and a glass of Tang, “back when the astronauts still used it”. Richards did at the time admit that he was dead, telling the Reaper “Looks like you got me, mate” and promised to let the Reaper take him later that evening after Richards took care of some final business.

“Like the softy that I am I said yes” said the Grim Reaper.  “I mean, I love the Stones too.”

Only Richards did not show up later that evening.  “He stood me up.  You ever wonder why I’m the ‘Grim’ Reaper and not just the Reaper?  It’s because of clowns like this.  They make my life difficult.  I couldn’t go back to my boss without a dead person so I had to take Bobby Darin instead.  And it wasn’t even his time.  He wasn’t supposed to die until 2002 when Putin was going to poison him.  Why?  I don’t know and I don’t care.”

Instead the Grim Reaper has been reduced to following around the Stones trying to claim Richards.

“It’s humiliating.  I’m the Reaper, the harbinger of Death.  I used have my dignity.  But I’ve been reduced to waiting backstage with drug dealers, skanky groupies and that idiot Robin Leach who kept telling me  about ‘champagne wishes and caviar dreams.’ “

According to the lawsuit Richards’ refusal to accept death has lead to “loss of income and loss of face” for The Reaper.

“It just sets a bad example.  People see what Keith did and some are now refusing to die.  Do you know how long it took me to finally kill off Lou Albano?”

The Reaper says that he has was close to finally capturing Richards in 1994 when he cornered him in his  hotel room after an appearance on Saturday Night Live.

“He had a syringe in each arm and for some reason there was a duck-billed platypus in his hotel room and he was drinking platypus blood.  I was just about to grab him when Mick Jagger distracted me just long enough for Keith to escape.

The Reaper’s lawsuit asks for unspecified damages and demands that Richards immediately stop “any and all respiratory activity and to proceed to decompose henceforth.”

Richards vows to fight the lawsuit, telling reporters “The Reaper is mistaken.  I ain’t dead mate.  You don’t do as much heroin and horse tranquilizers as I’ve done without building up an immunity.”


One Response

  1. innominatus says:

    Keith’s body is totally pickled like a frog in formaldehyde. Once the Reaper wins his case, there can be a public viewing of the corpse. No need for embalming, though – Keith did that himself decades ago.

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