New Liberal Bible Translation Released

The Good Book is now green and multiculturalHoping to attract new and younger readers, the American Council of Christian Churches (ACCC) has released their  much anticipated new Bible translation.

“With this translation we wanted to keep the essence intact but emphasize the latent multiculturalism and environmentalism of the Bible” said their President Dr. John McNight (EMC).  “I think this translation will help younger people understand the radical environmental pacifism of Christianity.”

Those reading the Bible will first notice that it is dedicated to Mohammed and has the inscription, “May the religion of peace show us new and better ways of understanding each other.” According to McNight, by dedicating the Bible to Mohammed the ACCC is showing the importance of multiculturalism.  “Let us not feel a sense of triumphalism because we are from the West.”

Reporters were able to read the following excerpts from the Book of Genesis which are representative of the new Bible.

The first chapter contains this passage:  “God blessed them and said to them Be fruitful and increase in number, but not too much because the world’s resources are already at the breaking point from overpopulation and global warming.  Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground.  But do not harm your animal companions.  They have as much rights as you do. ”

From the second chapter of Genesis:  “The man and his significant other were both naked, and they felt no shame because the human body is a beautiful thing.  So they made love to each other.  Verily they did.  Many times.  But mindful of overpopulation and a woman’s right to choose verily did they use contraception.”

The third chapter of Genesis contains this account of the fall:  “Now George W. Bush was more subtle than any beast which the Lord God hath made.  And he said unto the woman,  Yeah, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the Garden?  And George W. Bush said unto the woman,  Ye shall not surely die.  For God knows that in the day that ye eat thereof then your eyes shall be opened and ye shall be as Gods……..and the woman said George W. Bush did deceive me and verily did I eat of the fruit.  And God said unto George W. Bush because thou has done this, thou are cursed; upon thy belly shalt thou go and meat shalt thy eat all the days of thy life.”

And from the sixth chapter:  “And God saith unto Noah make thee an ark of gopher wood and behold sea levels shall rise to destroy all flesh because man was not mindful of his carbon footprint.”

The ACCC has high hopes for this version.  According to President McNight,  “I think I can safely say that it’s going to outsell Harry Potter.”

The translation will cost $49.95 and is available only at Barnes and Noble.


Leave a Reply

Using Gravatars in the comments - get your own and be recognized!

XHTML: These are some of the tags you can use: <a href=""> <b> <blockquote> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>