It has been announced today that in an attempt to stop the ratings decline of postseason baseball, Ted Williams head will be thrown out as the first pitch to open the series.
“As Commissioner I am well aware of the ratings decline for the World Series” declared Bud Selig. “I think having the body of the greatest hitter in the game, or at least his frozen and severed head, thrown out as the first pitch will attract ratings we haven’t seen in years. We thought of having the parts of other dead baseball greats available to throw out but Babe Ruth’s corpse is still a ‘no-go VD hot zone’ and Barry Bonds…what…..he’s not dead?”
Ted Williams head was recently taken from its storage facility at Alcor and delivered to Major League offices in midtown Manhattan to await its final destination. There was, however, some difficulty in acquiring the artifact.
“We had some difficulty getting the head removed from the tuna can it was frozen to” said an a MLB source who wishes to remain anonymous. “We had to swing a monkey wrench to break it free. Unfortunately the head went flying and then got stuck to the wall. We had to use a cat who lived on the premises to rip it off the wall.”
The head was then shipped to Manhattan. “The head was cracked in several places. We used Super Glue to patch it up. Also, while we have a minifridge on site we just couldn’t get the head cold enough and it started to thaw out. As it was thawing it kept emitting popping, crunching noises. At first we thought it was John Kruk eating another Nestle’s Crunch bar.”
Despite these setbacks Commissioner Selig insists that the head will be ready for the World Series.
“Think about it. His head is the ultimate baseball artifact. I think it can be used to promote this great game in wonderful ways. I plan to have the head available next year for Little League games, corporate events and Bar Mitvahs.”
Selig brushed aside criticism of his decision to use the head.
“My entire term as Commissioner has been about what’s best for baseball. From interleague play to the wild card to having postseason games played at night in 45 degree late Fall weather I only do what’s good for the game.”
Selig also announced that from now on the World Series will be known as “The Thanksgiving Classic.”
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LOL @ tuna can and John Kruk. The Giants are my team (yeah, I know) but Kruk was probably my favorite non-Giant. Ever see where Kruk and Tony Gwynn were interviewed together about facing Randy Johnson in the All-Star game? One of the funniest things I ever saw on TV
Re: Selig. Amen, bro!
I’ve always liked Kruk – the working man’s baseball player. I particularly liked when Chris Farley played him on SNL. Unfortunately the part about the tuna can is true. Say what you like about the Yankees at least our greatest player hasn’t been decapitated, stored upside down and his head cracked and frozen to a tuna can – The Manhattan Infidel
Given that the first pitch will occur at Yankee Stadium, I’d think that Williams’ head would be a bad omen, and as such, the Steinbrenners would have it buried somewhere in the swamp around The Meadowlands.