United States Files Restraining Order Against Europe

Europe turns stalkerThe United States today filed a restraining order against the Continent of Europe.  Citing an “uncomfortable pattern of behavior ” that breached a natural comfort zone, the U.S. has asked that Europe not contact it anymore and that it stay 3000 miles distance from the Unites States at all times.

“I mean, c’mon.  Europe’s a nice little continent and all that.  And sure we hung out together for awhile.  But I’ve moved on.  Europe’s just not that important to me anymore.  So be cool”  said the United States.

“Europe is just getting downright creepy.  She knows everything about me.  She knows my 50 State Capitols.  She knows all about my history.  Hell she even knows about local races in states.  She called me up the other day to talk about a mayoral race in Tennessee.  She wanted to lecture me and give me her opinions.  Dude. Get out of my business.”

For her part, Europe alternated between weepy emotion and belligerance when asked about the United States.

“Why doesn’t the United States love me anymore?  Why?  We used to have so much fun together.  We used to do so much together.  World War I, World War II, the Cold War.  Now he won’t even return my calls.  He says he’s ‘busy’ off somewhere in Afghanistan or some other country……you know what….screw the United States.  I don’t need them.  I’m superior to them.  I am Europe hear me roar!”

Europe then burst into tears again.  “Who am I kidding.  I love that big bad boy.”

Relationship experts familiar with the situation say that what has happened between the United States and Europe is not unusual.

“Both parties go into a relationship only thinking of themselves or with short-term goals.  Then the parties grow apart but have a destructive dependency upon each other.  Then words are exchanged and before you know it a trade war starts and someone’s Internet Explorer gets hurt.”

The best thing for both parties, according to psychiatrists is time apart from each other.  “Hopefully this will give both parties perspective and a new start.”

For its part the United States has its eye on the the Moon as a possible new partner.  Europe, when reached for comment said “I don’t need anybody.  I’ll show the United States” before, once again, starting a crying jag.


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