As our nation celebrates President’s Day, the day we honor such greats as John Tyler, Franklin Pierce, James Garfield, William Howard Taft and Lyndon Johnson, perhaps no President is as neglected as William Henry Harrison.

Harrison, our ninth President (March 4th, 1841-April 4th, 1841) and our first to die in office is our most neglected President, ranking lower in recognition surveys than the 1980-81 cast of Saturday Night Live.

At the William Henry Harrison Library in Ohio the Library is open but there are no visitors.

“It’s true” said the Director of the Library.  “No one ever comes in.  We had some kids come in last year but that was because they thought Harrison was the Harrison from the Beatles.  They asked me about the guitar solo on ‘While my Guitar Gently Weeps.’  I had to chase them out.  Besides, Eric Clapton played lead guitar on that song.”

Because of its lack of visitors, the William Henry Harrison Presidential Library is in danger of losing its funding.

“We don’t have many exhibits.  He only had one presidential paper – his inaugural address – and that is so long and boring no one bothers to read it.  We even tried lunchtime concerts to draw in crowds but everyone kept asking to hear ‘My Sweet Lord.’  Again, I had to keep telling them ‘Wrong Harrison!’ “

To avoid shutting its doors, the Library started a series of controversial publicity gimmicks.  First up – strippers.

“People today expect their elected leaders to have sex scandals so why not have strippers at the Library?  But that didn’t work out like we planned because people kept asking me if we were reenacting that scene from Magical Mystery Tour with the strippers.  How many times do I have to say ‘Wrong Harrison?’ ”

Accepting the inevitable, the William Henry Harrison Presidential Library closed for a month for renovations.  It reopened its doors as the George Harrison Library.  Hopes were high as the line to get in went around the block.

“Unfortunately the first guy to enter asked me if this library was dedicated to County Mayo-born IRA gunrunner George Harrison, who was indicted by the U.S. Government  in 1981 as part of ‘Operation Bushmill.’  It was then that to close the library again and reopen it as a Starbucks.”

The new Starbucks Presidential Library’s hours at 7 AM to 9 PM Monday through Saturday.  First-time customers get a free George Harrison CD.

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The controversy that erupted over Sarah Palin writing notes on her hand while addressing a tea party convention obscures the fact that so-called “hand notes” have a long history in American politics.

While today the smart, professorial politician prefers to use teleprompters, “in itself a sign of vastly superior intelligence”, according to Politico.com reporter Mike Allen, before the invention of the teleprompter politicians had two choices:  memorize their speech in its entirety or use crib notes.

A screen shot of JFK at his inauguration shows that he had writing of his hand.  Researchers have blown up that photo to reveal what it was:

1. Ask not what your country can do for you.
2. Must get Angie Dickinson out of Lincoln Bedroom before Jackie finds out.

Worried that he would forget his speech and concerned about his declining physical condition, FDR at his fourth inaugural wrote the following notes on his hand:

1. Keep speech brief…..passing through period of supreme test for our country
2. Just and honorable peace….strive for perfection
3. Stalin’s mustache is making me question my sexuality.  If only someone would invent disco.

During his campaign for the 1858 senatorial nomination in Illinois, future President Abraham Lincoln was known to write notes on both his hands.  Researchers at the Lincoln Library have provided palm prints of the notes he wrote during his debates:

1.  A house divided against itself cannot stand.
2. Either the opponents of slavery will arrest the further spread of it….or its advocates will push it forward.
3. Stephen A. Douglas is a short, fat doofus.  I can’t believe my wife used to like him.

Thomas Jefferson was a notorious hand note writer.  During his first inaugural address the following was written on his hand:

1. Declare a sincere consciousness that the task is above my talents, and that I approach it with those anxious and awful presentiments which the greatness of the charge and the weakness of my powers so justly inspire.
2. To you, then, gentlemen,  who are charged with the sovereign functions of legislation……..I look with encouragement for that guidance and support
3. Writing notes on my hand with a quill pen is very painful and bloody.  Reminder:  When I get back to Monticello invent ball point pen and sleep with more slaves.

So it seems, partisan controversy aside, that the hand note is a part of American politics. Even our current, professorial President has been known to use the hand note.  As he wrote on his hand during his inauguration:

1. Hope and change.  Hope and change.  Keep repeating.  Hope and change.
2. Keep smiling.  People won’t notice speech sucks
3. Remember: My  name is Barack not Barry.

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Congressman John Murtha (D-PA) has accepted a bribe from Satan and agreed to die.

The congressman had been under investigation for ethical lapses and channeling millions of taxpayer money to the John Murtha Airport, among others.  The FBI, in collaboration with Satan (“Deliciously ironic, don’t you think” said Satan), had been conducting an undercover investigation where Satan, posing as a government contractor (“Again, I can’t make this stuff up” said Satan), went to Murtha’s offices in D.C., and promised him millions of dollars earmarked for his district if he would vote in favor of a new tax law involving contractors.

In the videotape of the sting, Murtha is seen telling Satan that he is “not interested in doing business……at this point. [If] we do business for awhile maybe I’ll be interested, maybe I won’t.  But if you want to do business with me it certainly won’t hurt to channel money to my airport.” 

It was then that officers swooped into Murtha’s office and placed him under arrest.  An enraged Murtha spat at the Devil and shouted, “You lied to me!  You’re no government contractor.  You’re Satan!  Well, what do you know.  Deliciously ironic isn’t it?”

As Murtha, handcuffed to a water cooler in his office seethed, FBI agents went through his personal effects while Satan discussed future work with the government.

“I think my talents would be best put to use in the Department of the Interior” said Satan. “I’m all about eminent domain.”

The conversation soon turned to Murtha’s  punishment.  Since it was agreed by all sides that indicting a Democrat “would not be fair”, it was decided to let Murtha work out his punishment with Satan.

Murtha was given two choices:  Banishment to the eight circle of Hell where he would be forced to eat pork for eternity while being repeatedly being shot to pieces by Marines; or, sharing an office with Nancy Pelosi.  Murtha chose Hell.

“Anything is better than sharing an office with that bitch.”

Continuing his discussion about future plans Satan told reporters, “I’m not going into politics.  I have standards.  But a career as a mid-level civil servant would be just perfect.”

In a related note, the new John Murtha International Airport has opened in Hell.

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After much legal wrangling, the John Edwards sex tape will be available for the first time in high definition.  Those who have seen the remastered sex tape say the difference between the original tape and the new high definition print are amazing.

“I tell you,  while I enjoyed the sex tape” says a person who has seen both versions, “now that I’ve seen it in high definition I’m noticing things I didn’t originally, like that tattoo on his left butt cheek that says ‘John Kerry is a doofus who looks like Herman Munster.’ “

The tape has become an overnight sensation.   Experts worry however over the possible dangers from watching it.

“Americans are not prepared for the full magnitude of what they are experiencing” said Dr. Phil.  “It can lead to psychological shock.”

One man who has rented the DVD tells of his experience.

“Me and the Mrs. wanted something hip to watch for our anniversary.  I figured why not a sex tape.  All the kids are doing it.   So I rented it.  Talk about two Americas…..it looks like Edwards has about eight or nine!  I wish I hadn’t rented it.  Now my wife thinks I’m inadequate.”

As  a reporter I always have may readers best interest at heart.  With this in mind your humble and intrepid correspondent rented the tape himself to watch and share my views of it with  my readers.  Unfortunately after viewing the tape I had a nervous breakdown and banished any memory of it from my mind.  So I will have to rely upon my notes.

1:26 PM:  Went to video store to rent John Edwards sex tape.  Not wanting the girl behind the counter to think I was a diry old man I also rented  Chocolat with Johnny Depp.  Great. Now she thinks I’m a gay dirty old man.

2:44 PM:  Back at apartment.  Spent a half hour trying to locate remote.  Found remote underneath cat who was underneath an empty pizza box.

2:47 PM:  Started watching tape.  Nice tattoo on butt cheek.  John Kerry is a doofus. 

2:50 PM:  Edward is turning around to face camera.  My God what the Hell is that thing?  It looks like a snake!  My eyes!  They’re burning.  Can’t take anymore.  My mind is going.  I can feel it.  My instructors taught me to sing a song.  Would you like to hear it?  Daisy daisy I’m half crazy.

3:oo PM:  Have removed all my clothing, painted my face and set fire to apartment to appease the God of Hellfire.

9:oo PM:  Woke up in hospital chained to bed.  Police are watching me.  Did I murder another prostitute?

The Edwards sex tape will be available on Netflix starting next week.

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