Mayor Bloomberg Gives Keys to the City to Manhattan Infidel

Mayor Bloomberg before he passed outIn a bizarre ceremony today at City Hall, a visibly intoxicated Mayor Bloomberg gave the keys to the city to the blogger Manhattan Infidel, who then tried to use the keys to the City to lock out the Irish.

The ceremony started at 11:00 A.M. when, much to the annoyance of those working in downtown Manhattan, streets were closed off (“for the crowd” said Bloomberg) and the NYPD randomly shot those walking on Broadway (“for security and it was fun” said Bloomberg.)

Mayor Bloomberg then walked to the podium in front of City Hall and proceeded to read from a prepared statement.

“Today is a great day, perhaps the greatest day in the history of New York City” said the Mayor as he pulled a flask from his suit jacket and drank from it.  He then ripped up his prepared statement and sat down, telling those around him that he had no idea what was going on, that God was dead and that he just wanted to go back to his office, throw up and cry until he passed out.

The blogger who calls himself Manhattan Infidel (though the police know him as “suspect no. 3” in the lineup) then spoke.

“I am humbled and honored by this award.   And in the spirit of humility the first thing I intend to do with this key is lock out the Irish.”

As Mayor Bloomberg shouted in the background that he had soiled himself, Police Commissioner Ray Kelly informed Manhattan Infidel that the keys to the city were symbolic and that he couldn’t lock out the Irish.

This seemed to disturb Manhattan Infidel, who then asked if he could at least lock out the Mexicans.  He was informed that this would also not be possible.  At this point, Mayor Bloomberg started to remove his clothing while singing a medley of his favorite Ringo Starr songs.

With the morning in danger of getting out of hand and needing the podium for the 12:00 “Salute to Zoroastrianism and Cheese Puffs” ceremony it was agreed that Manhattan Infidel could use the keys to the city for any purpose other than locking out the Irish or the Mexicans.

Manhattan Infidel then pumped his fist into the air and shouted “I’m locking out the English”  before running up Broadway.

“Don’t worry” said Commissioner Kelly.  “We’ll taser him when he gets to Chambers Street.”

Mayor Bloomberg was last seen curled into a fetal position in City Hall Park.


2 Responses

  1. Matt says:

    I’m only about 1/4 Irish, can I still get in?

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    I believe the coast is clear.

Leave a Reply

Using Gravatars in the comments - get your own and be recognized!

XHTML: These are some of the tags you can use: <a href=""> <b> <blockquote> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>