An Open Letter from Gilbert Arenas

Mr. Arenas vows to not use guns anymoreGood Morning.  I am very grateful to the Manhattan Infidel for giving me the opportunity to do something good in the face of a very bad situation the white man’s brutal racism and I, but mainly I, have created.

I  have done a number of things wrong recently.  I have violated D.C. gun laws (and who knew Washington D.C. had gun laws?  I mean, really?)  I have violated the NBA’s ban on firearms on league property (and who knew the NBA had a ban on firearms?  I mean, really?  C’mon.)  I reacted badly to the aftermath and I think I shot my housekeeper in a fit of rage.  Wait, that wasn’t my housekeeper it was a homeless man.  (Sometimes after a hard loss I shoot homeless people to relieve the pressure I’m under.  But I digress.)  I gave that chubby pasty-faced white boy who is league commissioner good reason to suspend me, putting my teammates in a bad position since we suck even when I’m in the lineup.  Granted we’re not the Nets but we are in danger of being the Knicks.

I understand the importance of teaching nonviolence to kids in today’s world.  Guns are not the answer.  Even if your peeps get into a showdown with a rival gang, guns are still not the answer.  Besides, you can always borrow a knife from one of your Puerto Rican friends.  They are harder to trace and make less noise.  Sure you have to get closer to the person you’re trying to off, but they’ll fear you in the future.

I am trying hard to right my wrongs.  The one that will be hardest to make right is the effect my actions had on kids who see NBA players as role models (and who knew kids see NBA players as role  models.  I mean really?  C’mon?)

While I regret this incident, letting the kids down is my biggest regret.  I love the time I spend with the kids here in the district and all the life lessons I can impart to them such as when caught in stray gunfire duck and cover, and never hold your glock sideways or it’ll jam.

There have been few bright spots for me the past few weeks.  But one day I saw that young fans were still wearing my jersey.  That meant more to me than I can say. (Residuals residuals residuals!)

I value the relationship I have with the young fans and will work harder to earn their respect.  Starting tomorrow I will be teaching classes on life lessons here in the District.  Lesson number 1:  If the bitch doesn’t want to go back to your hotel room a hooker will.  Next week I will be teaching a class on proper methods for getting rid of the Clap.

Some people may not forgive me for what I’ve done.  But if I can help steer one kid away from violence and trouble from jammed glocks, then I’ll once again feel that I am living up to my responsibility I owe the kids of the District.

I’d like to once again thank the Manhattan Infidel for giving me this opportunity to address my peeps.  Peace y’all.

Gilbert Arenas


3 Responses

  1. KingShamus says:

    Gilbert Arenas is a hero to our generation.

  2. innominatus says:

    >>>Sometimes after a hard loss I shoot homeless people to relieve the pressure I’m under.

    Heh. The way the Bullets Wizards play, I’m guessing that the homeless have been hunted to the edge of extinction.

  3. Manhattan Infidel says:

    KS – You have to admit, he IS imparting valuable lessons to the kids. Namely do not shoot yourself like Plaxico Burress.

    Innominatus – If the principle of gunfire after a loss holds true, then I expect New Jersey to be an uninhabitable waste land soon. No wait, it already is.


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