John Edwards Sex Tape Now Available in HD

John Edwards discusses current issuesAfter much legal wrangling, the John Edwards sex tape will be available for the first time in high definition.  Those who have seen the remastered sex tape say the difference between the original tape and the new high definition print are amazing.

“I tell you,  while I enjoyed the sex tape” says a person who has seen both versions, “now that I’ve seen it in high definition I’m noticing things I didn’t originally, like that tattoo on his left butt cheek that says ‘John Kerry is a doofus who looks like Herman Munster.’ “

The tape has become an overnight sensation.   Experts worry however over the possible dangers from watching it.

“Americans are not prepared for the full magnitude of what they are experiencing” said Dr. Phil.  “It can lead to psychological shock.”

One man who has rented the DVD tells of his experience.

“Me and the Mrs. wanted something hip to watch for our anniversary.  I figured why not a sex tape.  All the kids are doing it.   So I rented it.  Talk about two Americas… looks like Edwards has about eight or nine!  I wish I hadn’t rented it.  Now my wife thinks I’m inadequate.”

As  a reporter I always have may readers best interest at heart.  With this in mind your humble and intrepid correspondent rented the tape himself to watch and share my views of it with  my readers.  Unfortunately after viewing the tape I had a nervous breakdown and banished any memory of it from my mind.  So I will have to rely upon my notes.

1:26 PM:  Went to video store to rent John Edwards sex tape.  Not wanting the girl behind the counter to think I was a diry old man I also rented  Chocolat with Johnny Depp.  Great. Now she thinks I’m a gay dirty old man.

2:44 PM:  Back at apartment.  Spent a half hour trying to locate remote.  Found remote underneath cat who was underneath an empty pizza box.

2:47 PM:  Started watching tape.  Nice tattoo on butt cheek.  John Kerry is a doofus. 

2:50 PM:  Edward is turning around to face camera.  My God what the Hell is that thing?  It looks like a snake!  My eyes!  They’re burning.  Can’t take anymore.  My mind is going.  I can feel it.  My instructors taught me to sing a song.  Would you like to hear it?  Daisy daisy I’m half crazy.

3:oo PM:  Have removed all my clothing, painted my face and set fire to apartment to appease the God of Hellfire.

9:oo PM:  Woke up in hospital chained to bed.  Police are watching me.  Did I murder another prostitute?

The Edwards sex tape will be available on Netflix starting next week.



5 Responses

  1. innominatus says:

    The Thing That Should Not Be

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    And to think I always thought that monsters were just a figment of my imagination.

  3. Does it come with barf bags? (Shame on you Innoman for sullying Metallica with this!)

  4. KingShamus says:

    What do I win if I watch this obscene horror show?

  5. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Snarky: Barf bags are provided free of charge (and yes, innominatus is evil.)

    KS: You win corneal transplants as your old ones will spontaneously combust after watching the video.

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