One of the benefits of blogging is it puts you in touch with people all over the globe (and not just the people who viewed my webcam for $4.95 a minute.)

While looking over the statistics for my site I noticed that on an average day, anywhere from 25% to 40% of my traffic comes from the Russian Federation.  Naturally this piqued my curiosity.  For the first six months of my blog I had no visitors from Russia.  Then I mentioned Putin in one of my posts.  And the visitors came.  This worried me.  Was Putin planning to assassinate me too?  That man on the street carrying the umbrella.  Why is he looking at me?  Could the umbrella be poison-tipped?  I decided to do some research.

According to the INS, a survey of new Russian immigrants found that 10% came to America for “religious freedom“, 13% emigrated to “follow in the footsteps of Yakof Smirnoff” and 77% came to America to “kill the Manhattan Infidel with a poison-tipped umbrella.”

This being New York City, there is a hot dog vendor on my street.  Today I asked him for a hot dog.

“We got no  hot dogs!‘ he told me in a thick Russian accent.

“Come on.  You’re a hot dog vendor.  It says ‘Hot Dogs $1.50.’  I want a hot dog” I said.

He eyed me suspiciously.  “We have no hot dogs.  Just sauerkraut and poison-tipped umbrellas.”  

He then grabbed an umbrella from his cart and chased me down Second Avenue.  He was just about to catch me when, fortunately, he was shot by the NYPD for carrying a plastic two-inch toy gun in his shirt pocket.  (Thank God for New York’s strict gun laws!)

I interviewed a local CIA operative who told me that the Agency was concerned about the recent influx in Russian assassins they have been tracking flying into JFK Airport.

“At first we thought they were here to assassinate the cast of Jersey Shore, though that may have been wishful thinking on our part” he said.

This being a capitalist country local businesses have been quick to pick up on the assassin market.  Many bars in Manhattan have started “Show us your poison-tipped umbrella get your second drink free” specials.

“Hey, a fella’s got to make a living.  And say what you will about assassins, they tip a lot better than college kids” said one bartender.

All of this has had the effect of making your humble blogger slightly paranoid. I have taken precautions. I don’t go out when it rains anymore.  I avoid Yakof Smirnoff.  I have sworn off hot dogs.

As I write this there is voicemail on my phone.  “Hello Manhattan Infidel.  This is Putin.  You mention me in blog I kill you.  Me and my army of assassins with poison-tipped umbrellas are coming to America. Sooner or later you’ll have to go out in the rain. There is no escape for you.  Your country is decadent and soft.  Oh, and can you get me tickets to see the Black Eyed Peas?  That Fergie is fergilicious!”

Note:  The Manhattan Infidel blog will be taking a short hiatus as he relocates to the Sahara Desert.

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