Fresh off the heels of the introduction of the iPad, (it’s just like an iPod but bigger) Steve Jobs and Apple have announced their most ambitious device ever – the iEarth.
“It’s like an iPad, but it’s much much bigger” said Jobs at the press conference introducing the iEarth.
Starting on March 1st, the entire Earth will be flattened into one gigantic tablet and all people will be retrofitted with USB devices into their brains which will allow them to access their iTunes from anywhere on the planet.
“This is the greatest thing to ever happen to humanity, or as I like to call it, Apple-ity. Just think of it. No more war. No more poverty. No more scratching out a meaningless existence searching for food or sex. From now on your only worry will be downloading your favorite songs from the iEarth directly to your brain.“
Jobs then described how he got the idea for the iEarth.
“I was at a conference and I noticed that some people were using Windows-based computers. My adult life, if it has been about anything, has been about the desire to dominate the entire world. Windows computers stand in the way of this. So I had my best technicians device the iEarth. And I had Bill Gates encased in cement.”
While many Apple lovers are enthusiastic about the new iEarth there has been some grumbling. The new iEarth will not come with the full Snow Leopard operating system. While the USB implants into people’s brains are mandatory, users must also subscribe to iTunes in order to use the new iEarth. And perhaps most troubling for some users is the fact that there will still be no support for Java.
The mention of these criticisms seemed to sting Jobs, who pulled his USB implant out of his head and said, “You humans vex me. How long must I put up with you?”
All humans have three weeks to report to iEarth processing centers, where they will be flattened and fitted with implants while listening to the critically-acclaimed music of Feist. Those asking about Java support will be executed.
“I believe that most humans will adjust to their new lives in the iEarth” said Jobs. “And when that happens I can start on my next project, the iMilky Way.”
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My name is S. Theodore Cunningham, esq. I represent Google, Inc. I do hereby order Apple Corp to cease and desist immediately, for my client already owns EVERYTHING, including the Earth.
Google shall be the first to be flattened!
You know Jobs’d probably make more if he really did come up with an iTampon.
I’m sure his evil genius is already working on it
“All humans have three weeks to report to iEarth processing centers, where they will be flattened and fitted with implants while listening to the critically-acclaimed music of Feist.”
Hahahaa, nice call.
Well it was either Feist or Abba.