The CIA has in its possession the minutes of a top secret Al Qaeda leadership meeting held at the Holiday Inn in Dubai last January.  Through the Freedom of Information Act the minutes were obtained so that you, my readers, may be informed as to the ruthless nature of our enemy.

Proceedings:

• Meeting called to order at 12 PM in room 404 by Osama Bin Ladin
• Last month’s meeting minutes were amended and approved
• Saif al-Din al-Ansari al-Adel apologized for arriving late and explained that he thought the meeting was in room 402.  al-Adel realized his mistake because room 402 is holding the Silverman Bar Mitzvah
• By a 4 – 3 vote it was decided not to send a suicide bomber to room 402 as “that might disrupt our meeting and we’ve already ordered pizza.”
• By a 7 – 0 vote it was decided to play television at “very loud level” to disrupt Zionists in room 402
• Suleiman Abu Ghaith complained of accommodations, stating that last year they had a “larger room at a Day’s Inn.”
• Abu Ghaith admonished to stop acting like “prissy bitch” and was reminded by Bin Ladin that the ruthless American infidels have severely disrupted the organization’s cash flow and that “at least we’re not meeting in a cave.”

• Chief Executive’s Report

1. Recommends if we are not able to replenish supply of suicide bombers that Eva Longoria be kidnapped as that will bring America to its knees. CEO also apologized to Tampa Bay Rays Third Baseman Evan Longoria for ordering his kidnapping.  “No harm no foul?” he asks Longoria before releasing him.  Longoria tells CEO to take a “flying f#$%” and leaves to attend Silverman Bar Mitzvah.
2. Discusses lack of hipness factor in Al Qaeda brand name and laments that Arab youth no longer want to blow themselves up. Recommends hiring rap star Usher to sing at Al Qaeda events.

• Finance Committee Report

1. CFO informs meeting that Al Qaeda is heavily in debt and that they “cannot continue to keep borrowing” as that will lead to financial catastrophe.  CFO accused of using scare tactics and reminded of Bin Ladin’s view that increased spending in present will reduce costs in future.  CFOs recommendations voted down and another loan from a “reputable Zionist Wall Street bank” authorized.

• Guest comments

1. Representing the Hollywood community, actor Matthew Modine laments divisions amongst mankind and asks Bin Ladin “Why do you hate us?”  Modine further states that dialogue is essential to long-lasting peace.
2. By a vote of 7 – 0 it is authorized to remove Modine’s head from body.
3. Modine’s head placed in plastic bag, set on fire and left outside Room 402 to “Scare the Zionists.”

• Meeting adjourned at 2:30 with arrival of pizza.  al-Zawahari complains that “once again” they have put pineapple on the pizza.  al-Zawahari states that he hates pineapple on his pizza and specifically asked for pepperoni.  al-Zawahari laments “Who likes pineapple on pizza?  Zionists, that’s who!”

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Pasiphae, daughter of Helios and fan of free bull love, appeared on a special episode of the Jerry Springer show dedicated to unusual sexual fetishes and their devotees.

Appearing with Pasiphae on the show were a man addicted to ’70s porn and Damon Evans, the second actor to play Lionel Jefferson on the popular TV sitcom The Jeffersons.

“I’m a Goddess, an immortal.  My father is the Sun.  That can be very intimidating to most men” said Pasiphae.  “I tried to have normal sexual relations with mortals but I just didn’t find it exciting enough.  I”ve always liked bulls though so I had a friend of mine, Daedalus, construct a portable wooden cow with cowhide covering that I was able to use to satisfy my desire.  Once  inside I was able to copulate freely with bulls.”

This drove the audience wild as many stood up and called her names.

“Hey, a Goddess needs love too” she said in reply to the catcalls.

Springer next moved on to a man who is a self-proclaimed “addict” of 1970s-era porn.

“I spend as much as 20 hours a day watching it” he said.  “I’ve lost my job and my friends.”

Springer asked him about his current girlfriend, a bearded lady he met online after placing an ad for  a “hirsute woman” on Craigslist.

“Well, in 70s porn everyone is very hairy.  As I watched more and more of it I found myself only able to perform with people who had hair all over their bodies.  I tried substitutes, like making love to my dates while watching movies that had Dan Hedaya in it but it wasn’t the same.  I need hair.”

The audience whooped and cheered as he got into a screaming match with Pasiphae, who called him “sick.”

“You’re a sick motherf#$*#$ you motherf#(@#$! degenerate freak.  At least bulls are smooth.”

Security from the Springer show had to separate the two.

Springer next asked Damon Evans what his fetish was.  Damon appeared uneasy and asked if he could leave.

“There must be some mistake.  I’m here to promote the one man show I’m starring in” Damon nervously responded.

Springer prodded him.  “Come on Damon.  No sexual fetishes?”

Springer didn’t believe him and asked him again if he was hiding a fetish while the 70s porn addict accused him of “being too smooth.”  Pasiphae volunteered that Evans looked like a bull lover.

After more prodding from Springer, Evans finally broke down in tears and admitted his fetish.

“My bedroom is plastered with posters of Donna Pescow.  I’ve tried to stop but I just can’t”

The audience went silent.  Pasiphae and 70s porn devotee got up and walked out.

“He needs help.  He’s sick” said Pasiphae.

Jerry Springer’s next show will be about Donna Pescow and the men who like her.

Damon Evans has entered rehab.

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Since the bombshell admission by Ricky Martin of his homosexuality, Al Qaeda has seen a 67% decrease in female suicide bomber enrollment. What was a week ago filled with long lines, female suicide bomber recruitment centers are now reporting that some have not seen one recruit.

“Our numbers have dried up quicker than CNN’s ratings” according to an anonymous source.

“We should have seen this coming” said Tariq al-Sharif, Vice President of Al Qaeda’s Department of Human Resources.  “Background vetting on female suicide bombers showed that only 15% did it for Allah.  18% cited our health benefits while the rest all said they wanted to kill the infidel in the hopes of getting Ricky Martin’s attention.  Who can blame these women?  He’s swarthy, masculine and is kind to goats.  He’s every Muslim’s woman’s dream.”

“His announcement blindsided us.” declared another high-ranking Al Qaeda member.  “Our business model for the year is shot to hell.”

The startling reduction in female suicide bombers has forced Al Qaeda to pull back on its plans for a Spring suicide bombing offensive.  In an emergency meeting attended by Osama Bin Ladin, Ayman al-Zawahiri and other top-ranking Al-Qaeda leadership alternative plans were discussed.  In leiu of the drop of available suicide bombers it was decided to scale back.  Instead top leadership will be appearing on Hardball with Chris Matthews.

“We really had no other option and we wanted to get out word out to a sympathetic audience.  But no one is looking forward to it.  The man (Matthews) is such a goofball” said Al-Sharif.

Other options discussed include touring college campuses and setting up recruitment booths at job fairs.

“Several of our members are quite good at PowerPoint and Photoshop.  We’re hoping a couple good slide show presentations will help the recruitment drive.  Not as much as Ricky Martin’s masculine presence of course.  But it’s a start.”

With the drop in suicide bombers and the resulting change in its business model, Al Qaeda is facing a certain cash shortage this year.

“If this keeps up we may have to merge with Toyota” said al-Zawahiri.

The last word belongs to Osama Bin Ladin himself.

“With our intelligence gathering capabilities we should have realized that Ricky Martin was a Zionist tool.  I’m so bummed.”

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Much like the Nag Hammadi library and other long lost scrolls discovered in the Egyptian desert, new diaries and letters written during the Civil War have shed light and brought about differing interpretations as to why the war was fought.

“We used to think it was about slavery or state’s rights or whatever you want to call it.  But these newly-discovered letters have changed the minds of many scholars” says an American History professor at NYU.

The professor is referring to a batch of letters and diary entries found by accident inside a season one DVD of Sex and the City.

Typical of the findings is the diary entry of Confederate Calvary general Jeb Stuart, dated May 5th, 1863:

“By the glory of the Almighty we have defeated the Yankees at Chancellorsville and turned them back across the Rappahannock.  May our Government triumph over the northern aggressor. May General Lee prevail. While I deprecate the necessity of war, for I too feel the sting of battle and grow weary of seeing good men die, this war is vastly preferable to being home and listening to my wife nag me about shaving my beard.”

General William Tecumseh Sherman, best known for sacking Atlanta and marching to the sea wrote this letter to the Mayor of Atlanta, dated September 12, 1864:

“You cannot qualify war in harsher terms than I will.  War is cruelty and you cannot refine it and those who brought war into our country deserve all the curses and maledictions a people can pour out. I had no hand in making this war (my wife did) and I know I will make more sacrifices today than any of you to secure peace.  But I’m not shaving my beard, wife be damned.  And I’m not taking her dancing either.  And she already has enough shoes.”

A Union prisoner of war at Andersonville writes:

“As we entered the place a spectacle met our eyes that almost froze our blood with horror and made our hearts fail within us.  Before us were forms that had once been active and erect – stalwart men, now nothing but mere walking skeletons, covered with filth and vermin.   Part of this marshy place had been used by the prisoners as a sink and excrement covered the ground, the scent arising from which was suffocating.  Still, as bad as conditions are all prisoners seem to agree on one thing: this is preferable to being home and listening to our wives bitch to us about shaving our beards.”

The first draft of Lincoln’s famous Gettysburg Address contains the following:

“Four score and seven years ago, our clean-shaven fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal and have the right to grow a beard if they want, wives be damned.

Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation, so conceived and dedicated can endure.”

So it seems that a drastic revision in Civil War interpretation is on the horizon.  The woman who bought the Sex and the City DVD but instead found these letters had this to say, “Naturally I’m disappointed.  I wanted to watch the DVDs.  But I guess I can always go out, drink a few cosmos, dance and have sex with a man I’ve never met before – as long as he doesn’t have a beard.”

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Go to any gym in any city in the United States and you will find people doing their Pontius Pilates.  Within a few short months America has gone Pontius Pilates crazy. People Magazine has called Pontius Pilates “The most surprising fad to conquer America since the Postal Department killing sprees of the 1980s.”  NBC and CBS are developing Pontius Pilates programs for their fall prime time schedule.  It is even rumored that the White House has regular sessions in their gym.

“I’ve done Pilates before but a friend of mine told me about Pontius Pilates.  I had to try it” says one regular.  “It’s helped me so much.  I feel relaxed.  My  breathing is more controlled,  I’ve reduced tension in my upper neck and shoulders and I’ve condemned three Jews to crucifixion this week.”

Many gyms are getting in on the phenomenon  and are offering introductory Pontius Pilates classes.  As The Captain and Tennille played in the background an instructor barked out commands.

“That’s it,  roll on top of that exercise ball.  Breathe.  Feel your body relaxing.  You are one.  Feel your abdominal muscles.  Now grab the bowl of water in front of you. Wash your hands.  You are not guilty of this person’s blood.”

Pontius Pilatesmania is not without its critics however.

“I was walking down the street and this guy walked up to me and condemned me to death” said the head of the local chapter of the B’nai B’rith.  “It’s a shame really that he had to condemn me like that because I really wanted to ask him how he got in such good shape and how he controls his breathing like he does.”

Despite the criticism it seems that Pontius Pilates are here to stay.  The United Nations Human Rights Commission called for all nations to have the exercise program available to its citizens on demand.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad called Pontius Pilates “the greatest thing to come out of America since Donald Duck.  What?  Donald Duck is Jewish?”  He has also ordered his citizens to take advantage of the time they would normally use rioting against the government to practice their Pontius Pilates.

From the White House the Obama Administration announced a new 750 billion stimulus package dedicated entirely to the teaching of Pontius Pilates exercise programs in schools.

“We want two things” said Vice President Biden.  “One – We want our kids in good shape.  Two – we want FDR to give more fireside chats on television and three – we want Israel to stop building in East Jerusalem.”

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