Go to any gym in any city in the United States and you will find people doing their Pontius Pilates.  Within a few short months America has gone Pontius Pilates crazy. People Magazine has called Pontius Pilates “The most surprising fad to conquer America since the Postal Department killing sprees of the 1980s.”  NBC and CBS are developing Pontius Pilates programs for their fall prime time schedule.  It is even rumored that the White House has regular sessions in their gym.

“I’ve done Pilates before but a friend of mine told me about Pontius Pilates.  I had to try it” says one regular.  “It’s helped me so much.  I feel relaxed.  My  breathing is more controlled,  I’ve reduced tension in my upper neck and shoulders and I’ve condemned three Jews to crucifixion this week.”

Many gyms are getting in on the phenomenon  and are offering introductory Pontius Pilates classes.  As The Captain and Tennille played in the background an instructor barked out commands.

“That’s it,  roll on top of that exercise ball.  Breathe.  Feel your body relaxing.  You are one.  Feel your abdominal muscles.  Now grab the bowl of water in front of you. Wash your hands.  You are not guilty of this person’s blood.”

Pontius Pilatesmania is not without its critics however.

“I was walking down the street and this guy walked up to me and condemned me to death” said the head of the local chapter of the B’nai B’rith.  “It’s a shame really that he had to condemn me like that because I really wanted to ask him how he got in such good shape and how he controls his breathing like he does.”

Despite the criticism it seems that Pontius Pilates are here to stay.  The United Nations Human Rights Commission called for all nations to have the exercise program available to its citizens on demand.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad called Pontius Pilates “the greatest thing to come out of America since Donald Duck.  What?  Donald Duck is Jewish?”  He has also ordered his citizens to take advantage of the time they would normally use rioting against the government to practice their Pontius Pilates.

From the White House the Obama Administration announced a new 750 billion stimulus package dedicated entirely to the teaching of Pontius Pilates exercise programs in schools.

“We want two things” said Vice President Biden.  “One – We want our kids in good shape.  Two – we want FDR to give more fireside chats on television and three – we want Israel to stop building in East Jerusalem.”

(357)