New York Declares War on Sodium

The Salt Monster will be helping New Yorkers remain sodium freeAlways on the front lines and proud of its cutting edge reputation, New York is the first state in the union to declare war on the dreaded enemy of mankind, the silent killer – sodium.  Assemblyman Felix Ortiz (D-Brooklyn) has introduced a bill that would ban all salt in the preparation and cooking of restaurant food.

“I think salt should be banned in restaurants.  If we let people eat salt, then the terrorists win” declared Ortiz.

The bill would lay a penalty of $1000 dollars upon restaurants for each individual addition of salt before, during or after preparation of food.

“I just want New Yorkers to live long, healthy lives.  The longer they live the more often they can vote for me and keep me in office.  I am proud of my antisodium credentials.  The Democratic Party is proud to be the party of no-choice when it comes to the dreaded enemy sodium.  My opponents, the Republicans, may be soft on salt but not me.”

Reaction to the proposed ban has been swift.  With a debt of 48 billion, on the verge of bankruptcy and with a lame duck, weak Governor, many are questioning if declaring war on salt is the right thing to do.

Brian Kolb (R-Canandaigua), Minority Leader of the Assembly told reporters that the War on Sodium is a waste of resources.

“Every right thinking New York knows that salt is not the enemy.   The enemy is pepper.  I plan to introduce a bill banning pepper within the limits of New York State.”

The partisan bickering over the salt and pepper divide has proven rancorous.  Republicans appearing on Sunday morning talk shows accused Democrats of wanting to turn New York into “A free-love zone.  A hippie Pepperland.”

Democrats for their part accused Republicans of having a “culture of sodium.”

Having a majority in the Assembly it appears that Ortiz’ antisodium bill will pass.   Already Ortiz and fellow Democrats have asked the Salt Monster, from first season Star Trek episode “The Man Trap” to come to New York.

“It’s not enough to eliminate salt from restaurants.  We want to eliminate it from the human body entirely.  This is where the Salt Monster comes in.  It will roam New York State sucking the sodium out of citizens.  This is for their own good” said Ortiz.

The fever to ban items that may be deleterious to health seems to be spreading beyond New York’s borders.  Georgia is mulling a coffee ban while Oregon is reportedly considering banning Idaho.  Not potatoes from Idaho but the state itself.

“This is for the good of all Oregonians” declared a member or Oregon’s House of Representatives.



4 Responses

  1. KingShamus says:

    Will somebody please think about the sea salt harvesters?

  2. It’s garlic, I tell you, garlic that is the real enemy of the people. Or maybe parsley. Or is it ginger? I can’t remember which, but it’s certainly not salt and pepper.

    You either with salt and pepper or your with the racists.

  3. Manhattan Infidel says:

    KS: I thought about the sea salt harvesters. But if I can’t say it fast 10 times they are dead to me.

    Snarky: Ginger is the enemy. Certainly she was the enemy of the Gilligan and the Professor. Professor, c’mon, Mary ann wants you!

    Also, unfortunately this post is based on real events in New York State. An assemblyman did introduce a bill to ban sodium. Yep, New York. Making the other 49 states look good for over half a Century.

  4. innominatus says:

    All this salty language is hurting my delicate little ears

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