Since the bombshell admission by Ricky Martin of his homosexuality, Al Qaeda has seen a 67% decrease in female suicide bomber enrollment. What was a week ago filled with long lines, female suicide bomber recruitment centers are now reporting that some have not seen one recruit.

“Our numbers have dried up quicker than CNN’s ratings” according to an anonymous source.

“We should have seen this coming” said Tariq al-Sharif, Vice President of Al Qaeda’s Department of Human Resources.  “Background vetting on female suicide bombers showed that only 15% did it for Allah.  18% cited our health benefits while the rest all said they wanted to kill the infidel in the hopes of getting Ricky Martin’s attention.  Who can blame these women?  He’s swarthy, masculine and is kind to goats.  He’s every Muslim’s woman’s dream.”

“His announcement blindsided us.” declared another high-ranking Al Qaeda member.  “Our business model for the year is shot to hell.”

The startling reduction in female suicide bombers has forced Al Qaeda to pull back on its plans for a Spring suicide bombing offensive.  In an emergency meeting attended by Osama Bin Ladin, Ayman al-Zawahiri and other top-ranking Al-Qaeda leadership alternative plans were discussed.  In leiu of the drop of available suicide bombers it was decided to scale back.  Instead top leadership will be appearing on Hardball with Chris Matthews.

“We really had no other option and we wanted to get out word out to a sympathetic audience.  But no one is looking forward to it.  The man (Matthews) is such a goofball” said Al-Sharif.

Other options discussed include touring college campuses and setting up recruitment booths at job fairs.

“Several of our members are quite good at PowerPoint and Photoshop.  We’re hoping a couple good slide show presentations will help the recruitment drive.  Not as much as Ricky Martin’s masculine presence of course.  But it’s a start.”

With the drop in suicide bombers and the resulting change in its business model, Al Qaeda is facing a certain cash shortage this year.

“If this keeps up we may have to merge with Toyota” said al-Zawahiri.

The last word belongs to Osama Bin Ladin himself.

“With our intelligence gathering capabilities we should have realized that Ricky Martin was a Zionist tool.  I’m so bummed.”

(294)