Stormtrooper Practical Joking Leads to Tragedy

Empire police are looking for these menThe Galactic Empire’s Death Star exploded today.  The exact cause of the explosion is as yet undetermined though sources say Empire police are looking for two low-level stormtroopers who were last seen “messing with the thermostat.”

“It’s true” said an anonymous source.   “Two stormtroopers would always play with the thermostat on the Death Star.  Once would lower it and the other would raise it as high as it could go.  I guess he finally raised it too high.”  Shortly before the explosion the two suspects were seen leaving in a space shuttle.  “They are innocent until proven guilty of course.  But at the very least it looks damn suspicious.”  

The loss of the Death Star dealt a serious blow to the Galactic Empire and will lead to political repercussions across the Universe.  At the very least it will seriously hamper the Empire’s efforts to defeat the nascent Republican movement.

Chancellor Palpatine told reporters that the Empire will recover.

“This is a serious blow without a doubt.  We have lost thousands of our best troops.  The Republican terrorists will seek to take advantage of this.  But the Empire will prevail.  Let’s not forget that we have the people on our side.”

He then reminded everyone of the many benefits of the Empire.

“Does anyone remember what the Galaxy used to be like?  Wars between planets.  Out of control crime.  Galactic muggings.  A family would think twice before hopping in their space ship for a cruise around the Universe.  Look at all we’ve accomplished.  Crime is down.  The Galaxy is at peace.  The space lanes are safe again.  Tourism is up.  Business is booming.”

A reporter asked if another Death Star would be built.

“Look.  First off, it’s not a ‘Death Star.’  It’s  a Defense Star.  We will of course rebuild.  But it’ll take time.  The Empire is stretched thin at the moment.  We’ve just given all Empire citizens universal health care.  This isn’t cheap. We’ll have to increase our debt ceiling to do it.  But we will do it.”

Palpatine closed his press conference by setting aside next week as a time of mourning and promising a complete review of the Empire’s defense capability.

The first casualty of any proposed change in defense will be the commander of the Death Star itself, Lord Darth Vader.  The Empire has not been able to contact him since the explosion.

“He has to be held responsible.  He had the freaking force.  Why didn’t he use it to discipline his troops better?  Once we find him he has some explaining to do.  At the very least he’s going to have to turn in his helmet.”


6 Responses

  1. innominatus says:

    Aren’t you a little short for a Stormtrooper?

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    I can’t breathe in this thing!

  3. You’re all clear, kid, now let’s *blow* this thing and go home!

  4. Manhattan Infidel says:

    I’ve always thought that calling it a Death Star was a tactical mistake on the part of the Empire. By doing so you’re just calling attention to yourself and alerting the enemy.

  5. KingShamus says:

    Whatever our feelings about the Death Star…or should we say the Man/Droid/Non-Human Caused Disaster-Stopper Ball of Win”…I think we can all agree that George Lucas should be hung upside down by his toes, then flogged.

  6. Manhattan Infidel says:

    I think we can all agree that George Lucas should be hung upside down by his toes, then flogged.

    If for no other reason, the whole Linda Ronstadt deal. – MI

Leave a Reply

Using Gravatars in the comments - get your own and be recognized!

XHTML: These are some of the tags you can use: <a href=""> <b> <blockquote> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>