The CIA has in its possession the minutes of a top secret Al Qaeda leadership meeting held at the Holiday Inn in Dubai last January.  Through the Freedom of Information Act the minutes were obtained so that you, my readers, may be informed as to the ruthless nature of our enemy.

Proceedings:

• Meeting called to order at 12 PM in room 404 by Osama Bin Ladin
• Last month’s meeting minutes were amended and approved
• Saif al-Din al-Ansari al-Adel apologized for arriving late and explained that he thought the meeting was in room 402.  al-Adel realized his mistake because room 402 is holding the Silverman Bar Mitzvah
• By a 4 – 3 vote it was decided not to send a suicide bomber to room 402 as “that might disrupt our meeting and we’ve already ordered pizza.”
• By a 7 – 0 vote it was decided to play television at “very loud level” to disrupt Zionists in room 402
• Suleiman Abu Ghaith complained of accommodations, stating that last year they had a “larger room at a Day’s Inn.”
• Abu Ghaith admonished to stop acting like “prissy bitch” and was reminded by Bin Ladin that the ruthless American infidels have severely disrupted the organization’s cash flow and that “at least we’re not meeting in a cave.”

• Chief Executive’s Report

1. Recommends if we are not able to replenish supply of suicide bombers that Eva Longoria be kidnapped as that will bring America to its knees. CEO also apologized to Tampa Bay Rays Third Baseman Evan Longoria for ordering his kidnapping.  “No harm no foul?” he asks Longoria before releasing him.  Longoria tells CEO to take a “flying f#$%” and leaves to attend Silverman Bar Mitzvah.
2. Discusses lack of hipness factor in Al Qaeda brand name and laments that Arab youth no longer want to blow themselves up. Recommends hiring rap star Usher to sing at Al Qaeda events.

• Finance Committee Report

1. CFO informs meeting that Al Qaeda is heavily in debt and that they “cannot continue to keep borrowing” as that will lead to financial catastrophe.  CFO accused of using scare tactics and reminded of Bin Ladin’s view that increased spending in present will reduce costs in future.  CFOs recommendations voted down and another loan from a “reputable Zionist Wall Street bank” authorized.

• Guest comments

1. Representing the Hollywood community, actor Matthew Modine laments divisions amongst mankind and asks Bin Ladin “Why do you hate us?”  Modine further states that dialogue is essential to long-lasting peace.
2. By a vote of 7 – 0 it is authorized to remove Modine’s head from body.
3. Modine’s head placed in plastic bag, set on fire and left outside Room 402 to “Scare the Zionists.”

• Meeting adjourned at 2:30 with arrival of pizza.  al-Zawahari complains that “once again” they have put pineapple on the pizza.  al-Zawahari states that he hates pineapple on his pizza and specifically asked for pepperoni.  al-Zawahari laments “Who likes pineapple on pizza?  Zionists, that’s who!”

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