Responding to numerous complaints, the makers of the Vic Morrow bobble head doll, part of the “Legends of Hollywood” series, have announced a recall of the product.

“I’ve always been a fan of Vic Morrow, going back to his days on the Combat TV show” said one customer.  “So I bought a Vic Morrow bobble head.  What better way to remember one of my heroes.”

The trouble began when he took the bobble head out of the box.

“The damn head kept popping off.  I kept reattaching it but the head still wouldn’t stay on.  And what was with the detachable rotary blades that came with the doll?”

Many other customers who have bought the Legends of Hollywood bobble head series report similar problems.  One customer who bought a David Carradine bobble head has hired a lawyer and intends to sue.

“I took the David Carradine doll out of the box and it had a rope around its neck and the other end was attached to his privates.  I may need therapy. I don’t need to see that.  Neither do my kids.”

The Def Leppard bobble head’s drummer comes with a detachable arm.

“I tried reattaching it” said the owner.  “And it looked like it might work.  But the bobble head rejected it and I had to throw the arm away. And I don’t even want to talk about the lead guitarist bobble head.  It did nothing but use syringes and vomit a lot.”

Among the many complaints regarding the Legends of  Hollywood series include:

• The Sal Mineo bobble head (kept getting stabbed)
• The Jack Cassidy bobble head (would burn to death)
• The James Dean bobble head (came with a car and had a tendency to crash it)
• The Phil Hartman bobble head (kept getting shot)
• The Dennis Wilson bobble head (kept drowning)
• The Laurence Olivier bobble head (kept sleeping with the Danny Kaye bobble head)

In lieu of the many complaints Congress has stepped in and will hold hearings on the subject of emotional damage caused by bobble head toys.

A spokesman for the Legends of Hollywood series states that they tried for the “utmost authenticity” with their bobble heads and has apologized to anyone who might have been offended.

He also announced their latest bobble head: the O.J. Simpson doll, “black gloves sold separately.”

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Ever since the movie Field of Dreams came out in the late ’80s, farmers across the United States have been plowing under their corn to build baseball diamonds.  Unfortunately, unlike in the movie their efforts have met with mixed results.

“I was hoping to make money off of the baseball field like the guy in the movie.  I mean he had people pay him 20 dollars per person” said one farmer.

So I plowed under my best crop, invested in lights for the field.  Bought a backstop.  Put benches up.  But no damn ballplayers.  I waited and waited while the bank tried to foreclose.  Finally I noticed people in my cornfield.  Great. Dead ballplayers.  Now I can make back my investment.  You can imagine how disappointed I was when I found out they weren’t ballplayers but surviving cast members from “Hello Larry.”  I told them to get the f#&$ out of my cornfield.  The bank took my farm soon after that.  My wife left me.  My  kids won’t talk to me.  My dog got run over.  Now all I do is sit in my motel room and drink Jack Daniels.

That farmer’s experience is typical.  Another farmer built his diamond only to have oft-injured New York Yankee DH Nick Johnson show up.

Great.  Just great.  This guy sucks.  And he’s not even dead.  How am I going to make any money off of him? But alright I’ll make the best of this I said.  I asked him if he wanted to play catch.  But the first time I threw the ball at him I broke his nose.  When I brought him back to the house he slipped on the steps and broke his leg.  Then my pit bull tore out a chunk of his jugular.  F#($*#g useless this guy is.  

One farmer built his diamond and received an unexpected visitor.

Okay so I have the damn baseball field built and I’m waiting and waiting and waiting.   Not a dead ballplayer to be found.  Then one day Pete Best shows up. Come on!  So I fired him and replaced him with Ringo Starr.  Ringo doesn’t know shit about baseball but at least he provided a steady back beat.  Still didn’t make any money though.

A farmer from Maryland did actually have a dead ballplayer show up.

Babe Ruth showed up in my cornfield.  How lucky can I get.  I’m sure to make a lot of money with Babe Ruth, right?  But he didn’t want to play baseball.  All he wanted to do was get his gonorrhea treated.  “My balls are on fire man” he kept saying.  Right in front of my kids.  Then he went up to my bathroom to “take a bath and scrub my privates.”  I had that bathtub destroyed.  Now I’m deep in debt.  Next time I’m going to build a damn soccer field.  At least then maybe I’ll make some money off of the Eurotrash.

A most bizarre experience happened to one man in Nevada.

Paul Anka showed up.  He started screaming at me and saying “The guys get shirts” and “Don’t make a maniac out of me.  When I move I slice like a f#!*(*  hammer.”  He kept asking me where Joe was.  How the hell should I know.  I don’t even know who Joe is!

In light of these experiences the American Association of Farmers has recommended that their members not build baseball diamonds in their cornfields but instead diversify their crops, replacing corn with Belgium Endive.

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Scientists at the Theoretical Physics Department of M.I.T. announced today that they have found the origin of the elusive substance known as dark matter:  Chuck Cunningham, older brother of Ritchie Cunningham from popular ’70s sitcom Happy Days.

After careful review of all episodes of Happy Days that featured the mysterious and elusive Chuck Cunningham and noticing the effects he had on the gravitational field of the Cunningham household we have come to the conclusion that Chuck Cunningham not only is dark matter but he is more than that.  He is in essence the absence of matter.  The absence of existence.  A puzzling void in the universe.  A tear in the space-time continuum. A freckled freak of biblical proportions.

The statement went on to describe in full the “Chuck Cunningham” effect and warned people against looking directly into Chuck Cunningham’s eyes.

Cunningham constant dribbling of a basketball, played up in the series may have been a control point for this dark matter to enter our universe.  Dribbling also seemed to contain the effects of his dark matter energy.  When he stopped dribbling the gravitational field of Howard “Mr. C” Cunningham’s nondescript Milwaukee house would experience dramatic changes.  Matter would appear out of nowhere.  We theorize that Fonzie, Pinky and Leather Tuscadero, who we have dubbed the Holy Trinity of Dark Matter, were created this way.  How else would you explain Arthur Fonzarelli, a man who appeared to be in his late 30s with no job prospects, becoming such a ladies man?  It is the chaos effect of dark matter.  Women were drawn to him.  Drawn to their deaths in the event horizon of dark matter.

We urge anyone who may have the first two seasons of Happy Days on DVD to burn them immediately.  For the sake of the continued existence of our universe burn them!  Chuck Cunningham theoretically cannot exist but he does. He is the absence of life.  The absolute zero of void.  In Chuck Cunningham, no one can hear you scream.

After the second year of Happy Days, Chuck Cunningham disappeared and was never mentioned again in the Cunningham household.

Using String Theory as a starting point we theorize that this dark, malevolent Chuck Cunningham substance may have entered a parallel dimension to wreak havoc.  It also seems that before he left he wiped the minds of the Cunningham household.  It’s like he never existed. Howard Cunningham made frequent references to having only two children.  The power of this Chuck Cunningham apparently is tremendous.  We have nothing but pity for the poor inhabitants of any parallel dimension he may now be inhabiting.

The statement closed with the hope that, with the secret to Dark Matter now known, in the future mankind will be better able to withstand its effects.

We are confident that we can overcome this Chuck Cunningham.  Now, if we could only figure out what Chachi was all about.  Seriously.  What a dork.

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Amid mounting criticism Major Tony Nelson of NASA has announced his resignation.  The growing scandal, dubbed “JeannieGate” by the press has threatened future funding for the organization at a time when the United States space program is already at an all time low.

“We have no space program now.  We have to depend of other nations to get our astronauts into space” said Mitch McConnell, (R-KY).  “And now we find out that one of our astronauts has a concubine with magical powers.  Is this why President Obama has reduced funding to NASA?  How much did Obama know about the genie and when did he know it?”

Even before the disclosure that he kept a concubine dressed in a revealing outfit in a bottle in his house, there were rumors about Major Nelson’s strange behavior, ranging from being in two places at once to his penchant for invisible dogs who hate uniforms.

Nelson’s immediate superior at NASA, Major General Martin Peterson, in an attempt to save his own career, has put a positive spin on the scandal, touting it as an example of the success of the “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.

“I specifically did not ask Major Nelson if he kept a concubine with magical powers and he specifically did not tell me.  End of story.”

Despite Peterson’s comments insiders say Nelson had no choice but to resign.

“How much money have we expended on NASA?  How many shuttles have we lost?  How many men have died?  And now we find out that Nelson had a genie who could blink away every problem?  His reputation is toast” said close friend Major Roger Healey, who himself is under fire for a notoriously immoral private life that has lead to the spread of a previously unknown form of V.D. throughout NASA nicknamed “Screw the Pooch.”

Healey may have also known about the genie, given his relationship with Nelson, though he denies any knowledge of Nelson’s concubine.

The criticism of Nelson goes beyond the confines of NASA.  In Afghanistan, General Stanley McChrystal called Nelson “selfish” for keeping his genie to himself.

“We’re in a shooting war here.  She could help us by blinking away Al Qaeda. If nothing else the fact that this girl  is from Baghdad could help us build bridges with the Muslim population. As long as she keeps her navel covered that is.”

Perhaps the only person happy about Nelson’s genie is NASA psychiatrist, Colonel Alfred Bellows, who is currently on leave after suffering a nervous breakdown that he blames on Nelson.

“I knew it!  All those years of watching Nelson, trying to prove that something wasn’t right.  No one believed  me.  They all thought I was crazy.  But I’m not crazy. I’m not.  Now will someone please get this straitjacket off me.  I’m not dangerous.”

From Baghdad, Haji, the “Chief of All Genies” had no comment on the scandal.

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Today on the Yellow Brick Road an accident involving 20 cars killed two pedestrians, tentatively identified as “Tin Man” and “Scarecrow.”

Around 8:30 AM during the height of the morning rush hour four pedestrians were noticed holding hands and dancing along the side of the Yellow Brick Road, the only non-toll road leading to Emerald City.

According to police reports trouble started when Dorothy Gale, last known address rural Kansas,  tried to stop a car to ask “Where is the f#&^*#g Wizard?”

Not wanting to hit the pedestrians the car veered into the southbound lane, striking a limo filled with anchors from MSNBC.  The limo immediately burst into flames.  Other cars tried to avoid the flaming van of anchors and many ended up crashing into each other, causing more chaos. Soon 20 cars were piled up on the road, some on fire, others upside down or totaled.  Drivers involved the crash who did not immediately lose consciousness screamed for help, many of them trapped as flames and fuel covered the road.

Among the victims were two of the pedestrians.  As the Tin Man lay by the side of the road first responders stabilized him and attempted to give first aid but were stopped by said Tin Man who kept asking to “be oiled.”

“I was trying to intubate him but all he kept doing was saying ‘No no…..I want oil.  Someone oil me!’  I have no idea what he was talking about.  I think he was on drugs.  But whatever it was he died shortly after that” said a responder.

Also killed was the Scarecrow, who was literally cut in two.

“It was horrible.  His legs were on one side of the road and his torso was on the other.  There was straw all over the place.”

Surviving the accident were Dorothy and The Cowardly Lion.  The Lion survived by hiding by the side of the road.  When responders found him he was crying “I’m a coward.”  He had also soiled himself.   Mr. Lion and Dorothy were questioned by police and then arrested on suspicion of being under the influence of a controlled substance.

“Dorothy was glassy eyed and semi-incoherent. She kept giving us this cockamamie story about how her house fell on a wicked witch.  She also offered to service me if I would bring her to somebody she called the ‘F#$(*$g Wizard.’  Damn hippie freaks is what they are” said a policeman.

The Mayor of Emerald City has asked the city council to pass legislation outlawing pedestrians from walking along the side of the Yellow Brick Road.

“We’ve had problems for a while now with pedestrians. This isn’t the first accident they’ve caused but it is the deadliest.  Damn hippie freaks.”

The Mayor has also asked the State for capital improvements on the road that would widen it and put barriers in place to keep pedestrians from running into traffic.

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